Dear Kevin,

Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve reread your original post several times, as well as the replies. The sense I get is that you’re looking for contentment—within the many spheres of your life.

Feeling content, for most of us I think, is a very fleeting thing. I believe that most everyone is looking for that, no matter how successful  we are in others’ or our own eyes.

There’s a lot going on in your posts, and I’m wondering if you can pinpoint one emotion, one gut feeling, that encompasses it all within you?

Heather

Hi Kevin,

Thanks for posting! I’m so glad to see that you’ve found value in the TinyBuddha community and that you’ve reached out to others for help– what a great step!  I’d like to go back to your original post and address some of the questions you had there…

“Did I set my expectations too high?  Is this where I should be in life?  Why do I see the “bad” people creating good lives for themselves?  I have never smoked, never drunk alcohol, never taken drugs, never been in trouble with the police, never cheated on women, I don’t swear, I treat everyone with respect, I’m not aggressive, etc, etc.  Do these aspects count in life?  Why do I feel like I’ve never fitted in with society?  Is this just reality?”

A common theme that I notice here (and is something I often struggle with as well) is that you’re comparing your inner experience with other people’s outer experiences.  I believe through comparing yourself with others, you are getting this sense that you’re not where you are “supposed to be.”  However, given the early life experiences that you’ve had, you’ve already overcome so much and have shown such resilience! As others have mentioned, it’s no small feat to have gone through what you have, losing your mother early on, having little to no encouragement, and being a shy child and not turning on yourself and resorting to drugs or drinking.  You have worked very hard at maintaining your values throughout your lifetime and have remained:  kind, respectful, sober, and steady.  Not many people can say this.

Yes, I believe that those aspect do count in life– not because of anything that may or may not come in death, but because these values and this way of living is important to you.  It seems that you’ve held close to the values you find important.  Perhaps it would help when you find yourself comparing your lives to others, bring the focus back to yourself.  Live each day by asking yourself what matters to you most– for instance, it could be “Was I kind today?” or “Did I treat everyone respectfully today?”

If you continue to be in the moment, keep learning how to take care of yourself (like you are already doing), and keep on discovering what your values are and how to best live by them, I think you will start to see how that plays out in your life and where that will take you.  If you are living by your own personal values day-by-day, I think that this will matter most to you.  Focus on the “how” of ways of living and being vs. just solely on the outcome or what your career currently is.  Your career could be minimum wage or it could be a salary-based position, but your kindness and respect for all others would certainly still be with you and is really what makes you, you.

I hope that this helps and I hope that you are able to continue on your journey of self-discovery!

Amy

Hi Kevin,

You’re very welcome!  I can relate to being ridiculed and I can also relate to growing up in circumstances that are very different from my own values.  It gives you a kind of strength and determination that you sometimes don’t see until much later on in life.

I can imagine that it was very difficult and painful for you to grow up in a household with a chauvinist father and brother especially when you are such a sensitive and kind person.  It’s impressive that you can still see it as a positive and that you can recognize how that experience has shaped you into the person you are today and the person you are still becoming.

Keep looking for the positives and being grateful– seems like another one of your values and strengths! 🙂

Amy

Hi Kevin,

The questions you ask in your first post are very interesting. I am your age, and I remember a time when a person’s character and integrity meant everything. As a kid I was taught that if you work hard and are a good person, things will automatically work out for you. Turns out it’s not that simple, and that a person’s circumstances and luck also play in how things turn out for him or her, not to mention that society doesn’t seem to value character and integrity as much it did when you and I were kids. So when you ask if those qualities that you listed count in life, it’s a question I have too. It’s actually something I think about often.

I admire you for surviving your tough upbringing without your mom. Reading of your circumstances as a young boy breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your loss. ((((Kevin))))

B