Dear Stadtler:

I will read and reply to your thread in when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.

anita

Dear Stadtler:

First, I will retell your story my way:

When you were growing up in Portugal, your friends were your family because your family wasn’t a friendly place for you (“I don’t wanna go too deep with my relationship that I had with my family.. let’s just say that my friends were my family”). Your home with your family didn’t feel like Home, and your dream was that “London was home”, and if you moved to London, you would be at home.

But you didn’t move to London in your 20’s because you were scared. First, you were “scared things wouldn’t work out”, then you were scared to lose your friends (“I thought I was going to lose them”). Currently, at 30, you are scared of moving there during the pandemic.

You are currently living and working in France. Your job is a nice position, but it doesn’t fulfill you, it doesn’t pay much beyond the bills, and you “don’t connect with almost no one there”. You’ve been looking for a different job but without success.

Most of the time you feel mentally sick (“mentally I feel sick”), that your life has no purpose and that it’s too late to change it. You regret not having gone to London so much that you “can’t stop thinking about it. To what my life could have been”. You feel “lost at sea”, lost in a place where you “don’t want to be and with no option of  moving forward”.

And now, your questions and my answers:

1. “Am I the only one feeling like this?”- no, you are not the only one. Millions of people feel like this. Millions of people are lost, dissatisfied and regretting what “could have been”.

2. “How can I stop regretting? How do I find a way to find a new purpose?”-

I think that you were lost as a child growing up in a home that didn’t feel like Home; it didn’t feel safe and loving, didn’t feel welcoming, so you wanted to be elsewhere, far away, a place that will feel like home. In your mind, London became Home- not in practice, because you didn’t move there: The idea/ dream of London became synonymous with Home.

Many young people who dreamed about moving to London (or New York City, or Los Angeles, etc.). and then moved-  found themselves lost in their dream city. Consider you could have been one of the many.

What you need most, beyond physical survival, is to connect with people, the very thing you were lacking growing up with your family, and the very thing you are lacking now (“don’t connect with almost no one”).

Humans are social animals. A turtle (a solitary animal) is fine by itself, but a dog, a wolf, a coyote, an elk and a human (social animals) cannot live by themselves, not physically and not emotionally. For a human’s mental health, it is necessary to emotionally connect with other humans.

If a person does not emotionally connect with other people, the person feels mentally sick, hopeless and depressed. Connecting with others is what makes a place Home.

The question is how can you connect to one person where you now live, how can you find one person who will understand you, like you, value you, want to spend time with you.. a person you will like and value in return. This is what you need NOW. Later, you can think about moving to another place, but now, for your mental health, you need to connect to at least  one person where you live.

Who can that be and in what context?

anita

Dear Stadtler:

You are very welcome.

“During my late teens I felt incredibly lonely… (now:) the only thing that I do is go to work and then get back home and ‘hide’ in my bedroom, far away from everything and everyone”- reads to me that you are re-living your late teens experience.

“Maybe I should try to work out to see the good”- yes, your mental health depends on it, find one good and honest person where you are and connect with that person.

“Maybe I should try to see how I can make France my home. And after that, I can think about moving to other places or getting a new job”- I agree.

One quote about home reads: “home is not a place.. it’s a feeling”, and another: “Home is the starting place of love, hope and dreams”- make where you live now, be the starting place of love, hope and dreams. And do post here anytime you want to. I will be glad to read from you and reply every time you post.

anita

You are very welcome, Stadtler.

anita

* Dear brian adams:

You are welcome. Can you start your own thread (go to Forums above, choose a Category, scroll down the page)?

In your thread, please elaborate on “being a person who used to love socializing to someone who forgot what it’s like to have deep connections due to past experiences”- – what were those past experiences, how long ago, and what are your current interactions and relationships with people?

anita