Dear Yolanda, First and foremost, know that you are not alone. Many people before us and after us have or will experience the same rejection from the person they love. The heart goes off on it’s own journey, refusing to listen to the head. Sigh. The heart leads us down paths our head KNOWS are not good for us. It’s debilitating, I know (now, in month 3 of healing). Second, please take care of yourself. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and listening and learning. Third and importantly, REALIZE THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT YOU! I know you love this guy, but he clearly has some issues too. Do not shoulder this or accept full blame for the relationship failing. He has some commitment, insecurities or fears, or bottom line, he really doesn’t want to be with you. Read that last part again, because it might be the reality. Here’s some good bits that might help you like they are helping me (though I’m not there yet). A) When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time. B) Let go or be dragged C) Got a wish bone? Or a back bone? I think this guy is nice enough he doesn’t wanted to hurt you, when in fact, by stringing you along, he is hurting you again and again. Please, for your own sanity, take control of the situation. Tell him you have realized that he cannot give you what you need, but you don’t love him any less, however, you must for your own health and life say goodbye to any prospect of a romantic relationship with him. You can love someone deeply, but it doesn’t mean you can be together. And lastly, you cannot have your arms open to receive what is GOOD for you if you are holding onto something that is BAD for you. Please get a copy of The Ten Things to do When Your Life Falls Apart. And read Eat Pray Love too. And go find all the best stuff, like little Buddha, on the internet you can get your eyes on. Go to friends who believe in you and let you be yourself. Stop giving away your power to this guy who obviously doesn’t appreciate or want it. Write back and let us know how you are doing. Peace and a hug. You can do it!
Here is an excerpt from last Sunday NYTimes (Modern Love http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/19/fashion/adrift-too-long-searching-for-a-navigator.html?_r=1 ) column:
Later as we lay together in a tangle of sheets, I said: “Man, that was good. Why didn’t we work out again?” I hadn’t forgotten about his girlfriend or his criticism, but I felt nostalgic for what seemed like a missed opportunity between us. I still had no man in my life and wondered if maybe Luke and I could make it work.
Luke turned on his side and put a sympathetic finger on my ribs. “I’m afraid you’re a little too intense for me, he said. I’m afraid that your hunger for this, for me, is your attempt to fill some hunger in yourself that only you can fill.”
…As morning light filled the room, I realized Luke was right in saying that my hunger for him, for sex, for men, was an attempt to fill a hunger only I could satisfy. I remembered a Hebrew teaching spoken by the sage Hillel the Elder: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?”
I would have to be for me. But the next question of Hillel’s teaching brought, immediately, to a new conundrum. “But when I am for myself, what am I?” What was a woman without a man to define her?
I had no idea. But I had wasted enough time trying to elevate inadequate men into gods worthy of my devotion.
“If not now, when,” the ancient teaching ended.
Now? Not immediately. I did have a bagel with Luke that morning. But I saw myself laughing at his silly jokes, trying to pad his ego. I watched myself crossing my legs and playing with my hair. I saw myself trying to keep this many happy.
I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was ready for something new.
Good luck Yolanda. Believe in YOURSELF. Everything you need to be happy is inside you, not inside him.
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