July 3, 2016 at 8:20 am #108766StephanieParticipant
I dated this guy for about 6 months. We were a wonderful match. Same life perspectives, goals, personality, humor, etc. He introduced me to his family, his daughter, opened up to me more than anyone else ever (his words).
But he had a severe fear of commitment due to a very traumatic previous breakup. He had meltdowns about it a couple times where he would try to send me away because he was scared that if I got too close, I could hurt him and he didn’t know how to handle that again.
He ended it for the last time two days ago. He became cold. He said it was for my own good, that I would move on easier if he cut me off totally and was cold. He blocked me everywhere. I’ve been crying non stop and feel so depressed that I have had suicidal thoughts. He was perfect, my match in every way. We had planned a date night for the same day he melted down and blocked me. He had been cradling me in his arms and making plans for our future the night before. I am so lost and hurt. Why didn’t he love me?
Logically I know his issues are his and not a reflection of me, but I feel like the lowest of the low right now. I miss him and love him and hate him all at once right now, and it’s tearing me up.July 3, 2016 at 8:33 am #108767anitaParticipant
So he introduced to you the experience he was afraid of: being “rejected and feeling like dying”- in his frantic effort to protect himself he inflicted the experience on you, the experience he was afraid of…?
As he conducted himself as The Victim of his previous relationship and breakup, he victimized you: getting very close and then drastically moving away, all the way- away.
I don’t know what motivated him: fear, likely. Maybe anger as well.
The result is here you are, very hurt, confused, angry.
I hope it may help, please share more, type and type your thoughts and feelings regarding this relationship and I will reply every time you post.
anitaJuly 3, 2016 at 8:55 am #108769annonymousParticipant
Well only advice I can offer. Love yourself, forgive yourself, and respect yourself. The problem is you’ve been trained to use twentieth century logic, in twenty-first-century situations. lol. Not everything in dating nowadays is cut and dry or easy to understand etc, there are relationships, marriages, situationships, friends with benefits, misunderstandings, and friendships.
Be cool. Be confident. Be you. Be elegant and graceful. Be an adult. Be patient. Be honest. Don’t stoop down to any degrading levels, with sharp words or nasty attitudes. Be a lady at all times. Instinctively, you know what situations are likely to take you from classy to trashy. Don’t be anything less than the queen you are. Be a dignified woman. Think of ways to restore your peace of mind.Remember to stay positive no matter what. Hope this helps : )July 4, 2016 at 11:18 pm #108836siaParticipant
You wrote that it has been only two days, i know that the feelings are really raw right now. .even if it feels too much to bear, i would suggest. . Keep breathing, keep taking care of yourself. Remember to shower, eat and sleep on time.slowly your normal routine will start feeling natural. It would take some time to feel better. If you can, take help of your parents/family / friends, etc.,take help from any known person who can give you some time, just stay around people. And again i repeat, please eat good (i mean fresh,nutritious or natural foods)food, on time. Keep reminding your heart,that in a week or a month, you won’t be feeling the same way.
Every day do go out even for few minutes.
In few days, you will feel better definitely.
Please keep posting here if you want to talk about your day or share your feelings.
Take care my friendJuly 5, 2016 at 9:28 am #108868KathParticipant
This must be really hard right now, and believe me, I know this feeling. But don’t give up on yourself, and don’t run away from the pain. The pain means that you are an emotional being that is capable of love and of letting someone close to them.
I don’t think anyone can take that pain from you right now, you will have to go through it, accept and understand that it will take some time to gradually get better.
However, there is a subjective thing I want to say:
You write that its such a good match and everythings perfect, etc… But even if your life goals seem to match up, there is more to a relationship! He does not seem to be a very stable person, or capable of dealing with his own emotions. And it is not your responsibility or even within your power to fix him! Do you really want to be with a person who – unintentionally but nonetheless – pulls and pushes you away again and keeps hurting you? Your hope that this will change is noble but is it realistic?
Could it be that therefore he is not the right person for you as things are? Should you start to protect your own boundaries?
Another question you should or could ask yourself is: Why are your emotions so strong? It is completely normal to feel sad and to be afraid and feel really shitty… but is there maybe something else? How did you feel before you knew him? Where you ok with being on your own? Or are you using the relationship to cover up some deeper wound that is now being ripped open?
(I hope I’m not putting too much or the wrong things on you right now, these are just the questions I am facing myself right now, having split up with my boyfriend after 6 years because I was an anxious wreck with nervous breakdowns, worn out by being pulled and pushed away again … I don’t know your guy, but my personal advice right here would be: Start taking care of yourself, respect yourself, create healthy boundaries for yourself and don’t make yourself dependant on a dream of a relationship that clearly does not exist the way you want it to…)
I wish you all the best, try to take care of yourself as best as you can… (It helped me to be aware of my feelings and always ask myself: What is the very next best thing I can do for myself? A cup of tea, sleep, eat, meet friends, cuddle up…) I hope you will feel better soon!!July 10, 2016 at 2:33 am #109275paul coombsParticipant
I think this is how I would be now.If I ever met a woman, whom I thought was amazing.I would end it before,I became hooked on her.Id rather be with someone,who if they left, wouldnt virtually destroy me.
Yes, this is cowardice.Yes, Its safe and unpassionate
Read my thread “12 years a slave” This is why…………………..
July 10, 2016 at 7:19 am #109288coconutParticipant
- This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by paul coombs.
My opinion is that he was still suffering because of his last relationship as he told you and showed you. Maybe he was trying to heal by having a relationship with you. He was still hurt and had this fear of not wanting to lose you but it wasn’t really about you here. It’s about his past. He wanted to heal by trying to be close to you and let you in, because somehow he felt like he could resolve his issue of being hurt with you, but he couldn’t. And because he was in that state of hurt he thought that he could make it go away by being with someone else, ’cause by himself he couldn’t do it, it was too much. The thing is you can’t heal your past hurts by being with someone else… He wasn’t completely there, his heart wasn’t complete, he wasn’t complete, he was broken and he still is. Even though everything was perfect, the truth is he saw in you a chance to heal (which was completely wrong). He didn’t give you his heart, he gave you his fears. Those weren’t feelings from him… just fears. Next time you should be careful, and never hope for a real relationship with someone who is broken and not healed.