Rejectino and How to not use significant others as emotional crutches

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This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years ago by silentwatch.

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December 11, 2014 at 9:07 am #69094

mwilli24
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Hi people.
This is my first time really posting on here. Over the past year I have been steadily improving my spirituality and learning to love myself. Because of a sexual assault situation in my past I have struggled with self confidence as well as intimacy with men. I started to heal two years ago however when I began counseling. I felt I was ready to adopt a positive experience into my life regarding men and I began talking to a young man I had met upstate. We were talking for a full year (strictly over phone and texting because we live over a thousand miles apart) before we got upset and quit talking for 7 months. Now, about two months ag, we began to talk again and at first everything was exactly the way it was before. This time I even told him I loved him-my first time ever telling a young man those words. The thing is-I really do love him but I know he has some qualities that in real life I could not deal with. He is not very spiritual and we differ on most political issues-its just nice to have someone who is there for you. And for about a month and a half we texted and talked all the time every day. But about two weeks ago I noticed he stopped replying. I expressed my concern and he told me that he felt as if I was using him as an emotional crutch. I apologized but i did see some truth in it. I care deeply about this man but I know I rely on him a lot. I depend on his presence as an outlet to express my feelings about my day, people, and feelings. Often, he will get the brunt of my emotions in a day. I find myself being very clingy and emotional when he is not calling or texting me and I know that I was using him to fill some emotional void in my life. now, we do not talk at all and I am struggling with loneliness. How can I learn to work through this loneliness and not use someone else as an emotional crutch?

December 11, 2014 at 10:32 am #69108
belove
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Dear friend,
I hear what you’re saying about needing someone to talk to, to share about your day, to share your emotions. We all need certain level of connection and intimacy in our lives. We are social beings. The way to overcome loneliness is to deal with it head on. Sometimes, we fear the unknown, but once we start to experience it, we see that it is actually not that scary at all. Be acquainted with being alone. You don’t have to be completely alone. Music, virtual friends, books, … can provide some comfort. But if you want to overcome it, you got to face it. Give different things a try. What do you like to do? Think deeply about some small things that gave you joy and do more of it. This might be your chance build a stronger foundation in yourself. The storms of life always come in one form or another. But if we have a strong foundation, we can take shelter in it while the storm is at its strongest. All storms come down. The strongest wave of emotions will lessen and follow up with peace. Be patient with yourself and take care of yourself. Surround yourself with positive energy – through books, movies, spiritual talks, … Much peace and love to you.

“Often, your best relationships are not the ones you run after; they are the ones that just reveal themselves.” ~ Mooji
- This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by tinybuddha.
December 11, 2014 at 11:18 am #69112

Rock Banana
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Writing just to yourself in a diary could have therapeutic benefit.

Also, meditate.

December 11, 2014 at 8:23 pm #69129

mwilli24
Participant

Thank you Rock Banana and Belove. I have tried to journal every day know ever since we stopped talking. belove I know you’re right. I really do need to face it head on. I am actually an introvert but I do have my needy ways so I will try to take this alone time and get to know myself better and build a better me like you said.

December 15, 2014 at 10:14 am #69282

silentwatch
Participant

“before you quit.. try”

“Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours.!!!!”

“Avoiding something doesn’t always mean that you hate it….. It could also mean that you want it , but you just know that it isn’t yours……… ”

Every mistake you make is progress.
Mistakes teach you important lessons. Every time you make one, you’re one step closer to your goal. The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.

So don’t hesitate – don’t doubt yourself. In life, it’s rarely about getting a chance; it’s about taking a chance. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Most of the time you just have to go for it!

And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be. Either you succeed or you learn something. Win-Win. Remember, if you never act, you will never know for sure, and you will be left standing in the same spot forever.

It is often self made.. i am walking through though a short distance.. just nearing 1 year… but it helped me learn so many things.. but i have not given up.. i wont leave that space… will fight..for it.i come across so many instances that disheartens me.. and encourages me as well..But it took sometime to realise that all of it were happening inside and nobody else knew.It hurt my health and it can do even more damage that one could imagine..Just because i was in love and wanted to be intimate.. and always cherished for that day to come as a reality. One thing i can say is try again..never quit.. if it is your passion..love like anything.. but do not regret or remorse.do not inflict pain on yourself.. you need to live healthy to enjoy a love life with her… Just imagine one day she turns around and you are sick?… everybody will laugh out so loudly.and now few words that i read here and somewhere and those my friends shared it helped me.. hope it will do to you too.somebody asked the question: What are you afraid of losing? And are you ready to move beyond that fear to get yourself unstuck?I would ask slightly different questions. I would pose the queries:WHY are you afraid of losing?CAN YOU DISCOVER HOW to move beyond your fear to get yourself unstuck?As I think more about this, it seems to me that we are not so much afraid of LOSS, as we are afraid of not getting BACK what we lost, or the equivalent of that.The successful, balanced people I know don’t lose or fail any less than anyone else. But what drives them to build on their losses, is their ability to BELIEVE that what goes down will again go up, and that the upturn will be better than what they had before.They are not always right about that. They don’t always win again right after a loss. But they don’t get defeated and they look at a failure as the path towards a solution. As cliché as it is, winners see failure as the creation of new opportunities. They really do!So how did they get that way? How did they learn to move past their fears?Somehow, some way, either by being born that way or being taught it, or by convincing themselves through trials and errors, these risk takers developed FAITH. At their core belief they expect losses to be only temporary and that everything will work out.When it doesn’t, when they reach a dead-end on a particular path, their attitude is: There are always other paths, other options with more gains to be found.I think the way to amass FAITH (if you weren’t born with it or taught it) is to never give up and keep generating more and more possibilities until those possibilities turn into probabilities and eventually WINS – sometimes BIG wins, sometimes LITTLE wins, but wins just the same. Yes, you have to be willing to stay in the game and keep playing.And now we’re back to question, . Are you ready to move beyond that fear to get yourself unstuck?

source.. my life and tiny buddha…
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