Dear Freddie,

I think your concerns are valid, since your partner isn’t upfront about important parts of her life, such as the relationship with her child from a previous relationship. And also about her debts, since you say she used to spend a lot of money. Is she still spending a lot?

So if there are some major secrets that she is keeping, it’s a valid enough reason for caution. Specially since she doesn’t seem willing to talk about it honestly.

I think you shouldn’t go against your key values, so it seems to me you did the right thing when you took a break from the relationship. You said:

About 6 months later I started feeling like there were issues in the relationship that needed addressing, mainly to do with money and having children. We talked stuff out and said we would work on things but a few days later we argued about things and I left.

So you did try to address those 2 key stumbling blocks: her money spending habits and her relationship with her child. You say you agreed to work on things. What have you agreed on regarding those 2 main issues, if I may ask?

Dear Freddie,

I’ve just always felt like I get parts of the puzzle and if I ask her more she gets upset or that I haven’t raised it in a productive way and she needs advanced notice for that kind of talk.

This to me is a red flag because if you’re married to someone (which you were planning to), there shouldn’t be taboo topics and secrets. It does seem she was uncomfortable to talk about some parts of her life. And even if it’s not her fault that she doesn’t have a closer relationship with her daughter, she should be willing to talk about it with you, as her partner and confidante. If she is reluctant to share her thoughts and feelings with you on such an important subject, it’s definitely not a good sign.

My concern is if we had a child would she walk away from that child too, which I know is a horrible thought of someone you love.

Well, her behavior with her daughter does raise suspicion about her motherly instinct… And if she does care about her daughter and isn’t the one who is responsible for estrangement – then indeed, why doesn’t she want to talk about it? So again, I understand your suspicion.

As for her spending habits, that too is concerning. She seems to lean towards overspending and as you say, she wasn’t able to clear her debt even though she is making good money. So maybe it’s a perpetual cycle of spending too much and always being in debt. But the most worrying is that she doesn’t want to talk about that either. It seems she just wants be left alone and no questions asked.

I have never been pushy or demanding about her opening up, if anything I let the lack of transparency go on too long.

I see… so you’ve had your concerns, but didn’t dare to ask her about it? When she brushed you off, you sort of accepted it and haven’t bothered her anymore?

I’m seeing a therapist which is good talking to a independent party and although I struggle to open up about things we are digging a bit deeper and determining I have some underlined issues around carrying guilt and shame.

Perhaps you haven’t demanded answers because you felt guilty for being too nosy, or too judgmental? Or she told you you were “too judgmental and narrow minded“?

Dear Freddie,

I’ve tried to get her to open up about her daughter throughout the years but she just seems to give short answers and it never felt like the whole picture. I know her pregnancy was traumatic and the father has never been on the scene.

I can understand if she’s been traumatized by the whole experience, which might be a part of the reason why she is reluctant to be in touch with her daughter. But even if so, she would need treatment for that, talk it out in therapy, since being estranged from her daughter isn’t a healthy thing. And also, there must be a reason her parents obtained permanent guardianship of their granddaughter. But she refuses to talk about it.

That’s unacceptable in my books, and even if there is some big trauma involved, she’d need to show some willingness to work on it. Keeping it a secret and pretending it’s not there doesn’t solve a problem. And it shows she isn’t really willing to open up about it to anyone, including you.

She would say that for that type of conversation she needed advanced notice, which kinda sounded like she needed time to prepare answers she thought I would want to hear, not necessarily the whole truth.

Right… of perhaps it meant the conversation is so triggering for her that she’d need special preparation. However, the fact is that she never allowed this conversation to happen, and never tried to work on the potential trauma with a therapist. So it’s like a tightly sealed box which she refuses to open. Definitely not healthy, specially since it may have repercussion on your relationship and the potential child you may have together. So again, it’s not a trivial thing and not something you should just look away from.

Dear Freddie,

you’re very welcome.

She even said once that I’d never asked about Ava during our relationship which was none sense because I’d tried to get her open up numerous times before.

Yeah that’s strange that she blamed you for not inquiring, and then when you did, she refused to talk about it. Also, you said it was your idea to take her daughter out several times in the past, but after a few occasions that fizzled out, and she blamed it either on her daughter (that she’s not interested) or on her parents (that they don’t allow it). BTW did you ask her at that time why her parents were objecting?

In any case, it seems pretty clear that she wasn’t too eager to meet her daughter, but then she blamed you, using “attack is the best form of defense” strategy. Shifting the blame on you.

She has always said she wanted to work on our problems but I fear this will always be an area she doesn’t want to confront

Yeah, this seems like something she doesn’t want to address, and it’s pretty major. She cannot really claim that she is willing to work on your problems, when she is refusing to address this super important issue. She is fooling herself, or at least fooling you.

I have always been a more negative mindset kind of person and I have always looked for faults and flaws In the relationship and life in general, rather than focusing on the good

Well it seems that in this case you were right not to focus only on the good stuff, but also to want to clarify the murky stuff, instead of sticking your head in the sand…. If you want to talk more about having a negative mindset (or perhaps it was the circumstances that lead you to be cautious with people?), you’re welcome…

Dear Freddie,

yeah any help with my negative mindset will help, I am naturally cautious of people and find it hard to trust

Sometimes I feel I’m choosing to not trust what she tells me and it’s my issue

I wonder if there were circumstances in your childhood and upbringing (or perhaps later in life?) that led you to become cautious of people and hard to trust? Because none of us is born non-trusting, but it is what happens to us that shapes us… So any ideas what it might be?

I am sorry you’re feeling down at the moment and very conflicted. I hope you’ll get some clarity and some relief soon enough… And you’re right, try not to reach out to her for the wrong reasons, because it wouldn’t really solve the problem on the long-run, and you’re talking about the long-run stuff here, like marriage and having kids. And it’s not something to take lightly…

Dear Freddie,

you’re welcome!

my friendship groups have never been reliable except the few really good mates I made in high school and have kept throughout my adult life. When I was younger, early teens and younger I people pleased to feel accepted among “friends” but they never turned out to be true friends and I often had my confidence knocked and let myself be pushed around and the butt of some jokes.

This could be a major cause of your trust issues. Being betrayed and ridiculed by the people you thought were your friends. You say you people pleased – where those “friends” of yours bullies, and if you didn’t do what they wanted, they would have harassed you?

On the relationship front as hard as it is I’m trying give us both some space to avoid another on off cycle, if it’s meant to be hopefully it all works out even if we are apart at the moment. Just have to hope it’s not too late if I do reach out.

How are you hoping for things to work out? Is there a chance that she opens up about her relationship with her daughter and explain things?

Dear Freddie,

I suppose my friends would be classed as frenimies, they were friends until it suited and yes there would be name calling or ridicule, they were the type of friends who built them selves up by knocking someone else down.

I see… when these friends would verbally abuse you and ridicule you, did you have anyone to confide it? Primarily I am thinking of your parents. Did you have someone to support you and protect you if necessary, or not really?

I just worry the damage is done to the relationship and we couldn’t repair.

How do you think you caused damage (and possibly irrepairable damage) to the relationship? What’s your part of the responsibility, in your opinion?