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Eliana,
Thank you for taking the time to read my posts!
My boyfriend and his female friend haven’t talked in a while actually, and my boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind at all. They just gradually communicated less when he and I started dating. The only reason they got close was because they talked to each other about relationship problems with their significant others at the time, but before that, they were merely just friends who didn’t hang out with just the two of them. Before he and I got together, there was this small feeling that something was off about her being there. Something just didn’t sit well with me, but it’s likely that it could be my fear talking, right? My boyfriend told me that his ex-girlfriend didn’t like this female friend either, undisclosed reason why.
November of last year, I found texts with said female friend and they were planning on going for coffee with just the two of them, but it didn’t happen. It was not a good read for me, as I’ve already told him previously that I don’t feel comfortable with just them two hanging out alone. He didn’t tell me about this plan either, so just only recently (as in sometime this month) did I bring this up to him. He said he slightly remembers the texts and thinks that probably the reason why for the plan is to talk to her about how I uncomfortable and upset I was.
January of this year, she posted a picture of him and his dog on her Instagram account. She has not done this to any of her guy friends, just my boyfriend. The next day, she tagged me in it. Either my boyfriend talked to her about it (which I doubt he did) or she thought of how uncomfortable it would be for me to see it, so she just tagged me in it. I have mixed feelings about this situation.
At first, I felt uneasy that I caused a drift from their friendship, but now, I don’t because I cannot be sure that I am the cause. I know these things are probably small compared to more critical issues that other couples are facing, but I am really bothered and I’m constantly going back and forth with whether I’m going crazy or being reasonable.
However, if boundaries are crossed once again, either coming from him or her, then I will definitely be beyond upset and just feel betrayed. I would not know what to do.
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Most of my response to Eliana also corresponds to your reply.
I’m not sure if asking my boyfriend now to cut off all contact with her would be the right time as they have not talked in a while. Her birthday was two weeks ago and he didn’t even greet her (his reasons were he forgot and he was lazy), despite me trying to put down my ego and told him to greet her.
Just a few days ago, I finally told him that I don’t trust and asked him if that’s okay for me to say. He said it’s understandable and he trusts my intuition. He didn’t get annoyed or mad at me which I appreciate.
As you can tell, I am at extreme ends of the spectrum, and I just keep going back and forth with being okay with her, then “resenting” her, then back to the cycle. I don’t know what I feel towards this female friend anymore. Do I like her or do I actually “resent” her? Is she someone I should keep at arm’s length, in case she does something that crosses the line, or is she someone I should continue talking to and find out that nothing’s really wrong?
Sigh… I’m going crazy. I just want to hibernate for many, many, many years…
Free Moon, what you’re saying about your boyfriend is very heartening – if he is not concerned about spending less time with her and not getting mad at you, that is a good thing! Here is what I would say – you don’t have to figure out exactly why she makes you uncomfortable, but you should just try to accept that you feel that way. It is okay to feel uncomfortable and it is also okay to not know why. That’s allowed. I would free yourself of trying to psychoanalyze your feelings like crazy and just accept that she makes you uncomfortable and that’s it. I would talk with your boyfriend and come up with some specific guidelines for how you would like them to interact. He is not to meet her alone, he should text or call you if he is going to spend an extended amount of time with her at work or whatever. He can let you know when he is texting her – whatever. You decide what the rules are – pick things which are going to make you feel more secure when they are spending time together or which limit their time together. Worry more about will make you feel most comfortable and worry less about what is “reasonable”. Reasonable is different things to different people, it is not one solid thing. You are allowed to ask for what you want. Just give your boyfriend some space in the conversation to amend things or make his own suggestions – this will make sure what you ask is “reasonable”. And then once you are both satisfied, just try to put it aside. It sounds like his intentions are good, so let him show that to you. And then you can reassure yourself that things are happening in a way you are okay with and he is making a real effort to make you comfortable and happy. And then… try not to worry about it so much! Don’t sit around and remind him to text her on her birthday lol. Let him decide what is appropriate within the boundaries of what you have decided together. Hopefully he will be able to stick to the rules you have made together, or at least he will be able to have a conversation with you if something comes up so you two can resolve it together. If you find that he is lying to you or keeps sneaking around the rules, that is another matter entirely – but don’t worry about that unless it happens!
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