June 21, 2017 at 8:54 am #154412
Thank you for taking the time to read my posts!
My boyfriend and his female friend haven’t talked in a while actually, and my boyfriend doesn’t seem to mind at all. They just gradually communicated less when he and I started dating. The only reason they got close was because they talked to each other about relationship problems with their significant others at the time, but before that, they were merely just friends who didn’t hang out with just the two of them. Before he and I got together, there was this small feeling that something was off about her being there. Something just didn’t sit well with me, but it’s likely that it could be my fear talking, right? My boyfriend told me that his ex-girlfriend didn’t like this female friend either, undisclosed reason why.
November of last year, I found texts with said female friend and they were planning on going for coffee with just the two of them, but it didn’t happen. It was not a good read for me, as I’ve already told him previously that I don’t feel comfortable with just them two hanging out alone. He didn’t tell me about this plan either, so just only recently (as in sometime this month) did I bring this up to him. He said he slightly remembers the texts and thinks that probably the reason why for the plan is to talk to her about how I uncomfortable and upset I was.
January of this year, she posted a picture of him and his dog on her Instagram account. She has not done this to any of her guy friends, just my boyfriend. The next day, she tagged me in it. Either my boyfriend talked to her about it (which I doubt he did) or she thought of how uncomfortable it would be for me to see it, so she just tagged me in it. I have mixed feelings about this situation.
At first, I felt uneasy that I caused a drift from their friendship, but now, I don’t because I cannot be sure that I am the cause. I know these things are probably small compared to more critical issues that other couples are facing, but I am really bothered and I’m constantly going back and forth with whether I’m going crazy or being reasonable.
However, if boundaries are crossed once again, either coming from him or her, then I will definitely be beyond upset and just feel betrayed. I would not know what to do.
Most of my response to Eliana also corresponds to your reply.
I’m not sure if asking my boyfriend now to cut off all contact with her would be the right time as they have not talked in a while. Her birthday was two weeks ago and he didn’t even greet her (his reasons were he forgot and he was lazy), despite me trying to put down my ego and told him to greet her.
Just a few days ago, I finally told him that I don’t trust and asked him if that’s okay for me to say. He said it’s understandable and he trusts my intuition. He didn’t get annoyed or mad at me which I appreciate.
As you can tell, I am at extreme ends of the spectrum, and I just keep going back and forth with being okay with her, then “resenting” her, then back to the cycle. I don’t know what I feel towards this female friend anymore. Do I like her or do I actually “resent” her? Is she someone I should keep at arm’s length, in case she does something that crosses the line, or is she someone I should continue talking to and find out that nothing’s really wrong?
Sigh… I’m going crazy. I just want to hibernate for many, many, many years…
June 21, 2017 at 9:47 am #154426DeeParticipant
- This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Free Moon.
Free Moon, what you’re saying about your boyfriend is very heartening – if he is not concerned about spending less time with her and not getting mad at you, that is a good thing! Here is what I would say – you don’t have to figure out exactly why she makes you uncomfortable, but you should just try to accept that you feel that way. It is okay to feel uncomfortable and it is also okay to not know why. That’s allowed. I would free yourself of trying to psychoanalyze your feelings like crazy and just accept that she makes you uncomfortable and that’s it. I would talk with your boyfriend and come up with some specific guidelines for how you would like them to interact. He is not to meet her alone, he should text or call you if he is going to spend an extended amount of time with her at work or whatever. He can let you know when he is texting her – whatever. You decide what the rules are – pick things which are going to make you feel more secure when they are spending time together or which limit their time together. Worry more about will make you feel most comfortable and worry less about what is “reasonable”. Reasonable is different things to different people, it is not one solid thing. You are allowed to ask for what you want. Just give your boyfriend some space in the conversation to amend things or make his own suggestions – this will make sure what you ask is “reasonable”. And then once you are both satisfied, just try to put it aside. It sounds like his intentions are good, so let him show that to you. And then you can reassure yourself that things are happening in a way you are okay with and he is making a real effort to make you comfortable and happy. And then… try not to worry about it so much! Don’t sit around and remind him to text her on her birthday lol. Let him decide what is appropriate within the boundaries of what you have decided together. Hopefully he will be able to stick to the rules you have made together, or at least he will be able to have a conversation with you if something comes up so you two can resolve it together. If you find that he is lying to you or keeps sneaking around the rules, that is another matter entirely – but don’t worry about that unless it happens!June 21, 2017 at 10:06 am #154434
Dear Free Moon:
On the first page of your thread we communicated about something very relevant to the boyfriend/female friend relationship that you focus on. I will quote part of what you wrote there:
“You hit the nail on the head. I have known for a while that I’ve been dealing with something pre-existing, but I just didn’t give it much more thought and instead, focused on my strong resentment on the situation.”- interestingly, since you posted these very words, you went back to focusing on the female friend of your boyfriend and their relationship and you stayed away from the pre-existing situation as if we didn’t bring it up at all.
You posted on that one post, regarding the pre-existing situation: “When I was around 9 or 10, we had a nanny who took care of me… I thought she was taking away my mom from me. I was so jealous of their relationship because my mom was paying more attention to the nanny than me, and it felt as if she was wishing for her to be the daughter instead…” So, you are afraid that your boyfriend wishes his female friend was his girlfriend, not you… you are feeling that like the nanny, this female friend is taking your boyfriend away from you?
You wrote there: “When I dated my ex-boyfriend before, I was uncomfortable about his friendship with a mutual friend…” – the pre-existing situation with the nanny projected itself not only into your current relationship but into a previous one.
About the previous relationship, involving that mutual female friend, you wrote: “in the end, the ‘gut'”- it was, after all, an inaccurate projection of the pre-existing situation with the nanny.
And yet, this pre-existing situation that keeps projecting itself into your life has not been mentioned again. I am thinking it needs to be resolved, feelings experienced then need to be processed and released.
What do you think/ feel about it?
anitaJune 26, 2017 at 12:14 pm #155150
Hi, all! My apologies for the late response.
You’re right; I should stop analyzing so much about why she makes me feel uncomfortable and just accept it. I’ve been trying to figure out why for the longest time as to why I feel that way towards her and until now, there’s no definite answer. Maybe it’s about her or most likely about the pre-existing situation I’ve talked about with @anita before.
They haven’t talked or hung out in a while which – as bad as it sounds – makes me feel relieved. When I talk to her or hang out with her, I feel completely fine and actually vibe with her. However, when she and my boyfriend are in the same setting, it changes my mood in a second and my trust for her goes away. It’s a funny thing the way the mind works.
My boyfriend has been the most understanding about this situation. All he has shown me are love and patience, and has constantly reminded me that there is nothing to worry about. I trust him and he hasn’t given me any reason not to… except maybe from what I mentioned before. There are a lot of things I have to let go of… Sigh.
The nanny story has been in the back of my mind ever since. I’ve mentioned it to him again and he understands where I’m coming from because he has similar feelings from his childhood. Every time I start getting anxious regarding him and the female friend, I visualize the story of the nanny and I start to have a less clouded mind. It just gets exhausting… I’ve developed a habit of ruminating over the situation as if there’s no tomorrow.
I’m hoping there’s another way to resolve the pre-existing feelings… 🙁June 26, 2017 at 12:26 pm #155154
Dear Free Moon:
I think there is a way to “resolve the pre-existing feelings”- I don’t know what it is, but there is a way. Visualizing it brings about “a less clouded mind” for you- that is encouraging. On the other hand, it serves you only that much and “it just gets exhausting”-
in quality psychotherapy, I am thinking, progress can be made beyond the temporary “less clouded mind”- progress can be made toward a lasting resolution of those childhood feelings.
anitaJune 26, 2017 at 12:27 pm #155156
* didn’t submit correctly…June 28, 2017 at 6:28 am #155372
I hope to resolve it before it gets worse… 🙁
He’s very important to me and I hope to have a wonderful life with him.June 28, 2017 at 7:26 am #155378
Dear Free Moon:
I hope you do resolve it- resolving it is a long term project and may never be complete. But much progress can be made. In your desire to resolve it, don’t make it a single-life issue. Focus best you can on other parts of your life as well as, in the context of your relationship with him, on other parts of the relationship, including any struggles he may be having. Since this issue, the nanny issue projecting itself into the present, is a long-term issue, it will take time and work. Work on it and live life otherwise best you can. Do post anytime.
anitaJuly 4, 2017 at 10:33 am #156348
Not making it a single-life issue is true. I should be focusing on improving other aspects about myself, while having a growing relationship with my boyfriend and helping him out, as well.
This may be a question I should be answering myself, but I will you ask you too (and anyone else who is reading is). How should I treat the female friend? Due to me feeling uncomfortable when she’s around, should I continue talking to her like I usually do or keep her at an arm’s length for now until the feeling dies down?