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Relationship/communication with son (30 + old)

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • February 22, 2018 at 4:34 am #193847
    Coco
    Participant

    I have been a problem with my 30 + years old son who lives with me.
    I had my son when I was in college and my bf the time, he was abused men and I left the house with my newborn baby son.
    I have lived with my parents a couple years and met my ex-husband.  We moved to Europe due to his job.
    *My son and I are Asian/American.
    This is my big excuse though I was still young and need to learn lots, I didn’t pay much attention to my son when he was a teenager.
    After we divorced, he told me that my ex-was so mean to him always, which I didn’t know and my son was hated my ex, etc… After a while, I and my son moved to different states.  I told him to go to college but he didn’t.  He was smoking pot and I was so angry and let him quit his part-time jobs, etc…. after years, he has depression and didn’t do anything.
    Finally, find out that cannabis is helping his depression which I still not like much.
    I moved different states a few years ago meantime my son was living himself with 100% my support.
    Last year, he moved into my place again (due to I could not support two house), let him smoke cannabis and seems much better.
    He was looking for a job for a few months but no one called him.  Here is again… started his depression.
    He does not have any confidence himself (due to bulled by Asian face, acne scars, not skinny, etc… )  I’m so proud himself that he could not get a job yet though he is trying!
    Here is my problem… I cannot talk or tell him it.  I always end up to tell him why can you apply for more jobs if you could not get it?  or I do not like how to talk me like this way, you are not respecting me, etc….

    When we are going to argue, he always said that:

    I didn’t help him when he needed, just give him money to do.  That’s why he fails his life.
    My advice is not good enough.  not working for him and/or my advice is so cheesy.

    I wanna help him but so negative and I do not know how to deal with who have depression or hateful.
    I really really concern his life.  but he said if he could, he wants to end his life.
    This is very sad and upset me but these days, is this make him really happy then I cannot stop him.
    **Please do not misunderstand me, I do not wish him to do it at all.  I want him to have a happy life but I could not help him.

    He went to see 6 different doctors and did not work.  Actually, the medication made him really sick and worse.  Again, I’m not cannabis fan but cannabis is the best way to keep him at a normal level.

    My son:  Asian name, 100%  Asian look.  High school graduate, some college but not graduated.  No intent to go back school.  Customer service job experience, some college professor assistant experience (due to he is bilingual)
    Applied cannabis related jobs (medical) without experience.  CVS, Major supermarket, gas station, etc… None of called him back.
    We live in New England area, northern.  Only 7% Asian live in this states.

     

    February 22, 2018 at 5:28 am #193853
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Coco:

    I read your new thread and re-read the previous one (where you didn’t mention your son). A couple of suggestions:

    1. Attend to the past with your son. You wrote: “I didn’t pay much attention to my son.. I didn’t help him when he needed”

    When he was growing up, you didn’t notice that your ex husband, his step father, was mean to him for years. You didn’t notice that your son was miserable during those years. This is a significant neglect-to-notice on your part. And so, you failed your son.

    If you understand how much your son needed your attention and help for years of his childhood, then let him know in a very serious manner (no excuses, no minimizing, no explaining you were too young, etc.) that you are indeed so very sorry, so very regretful for not paying attention to him, for not helping him all those long years of his childhood.

    Encourage him to talk about how he felt as a child, being mistreated by his step father and neglected/ ignored by his mother. Let him talk, express his feelings without defending yourself.  Show him that you are taking full responsibility for failing him in his childhood.  Doing so may help him heal some, have his feelings and experience of childhood validated. Have a lot of  patience for him, let him express himself, express his anger at your ex husband and at you.

    2. Stop giving him advice because that never worked, never helped him. He told you so. (“My advice is not good enough. not working for him and/or my advice is so cheesy”)

    If you do #1 and #2, please let me know and we can communicate further.

    anita

     

     

     

    February 22, 2018 at 5:42 am #193855
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Coco,

    It is so hard to stop enabling someone, especially your children!

    My attitude would be, if you’re not in school, you have to work. If you’re not working you have to be in school. He can work for himself until companies accept him. It’s hard to believe he can’t find anything, frankly. So he can be an Uber driver, go on the Task Rabbit App, apply for Care dot com to be a personal assistant to someone, be a handyman, etc., etc.

    Maybe he’ll realize that finishing school is actually easier than finding a job.

    Give him a deadline. Move and don’t tell him where you’re going. Pay first and last months rent for his own apartment. Have him use your place as an Air B and B for extra money. Apply to community college for him and when he gets accepted say “You’re going or I’m kicking you out”. I’m just throwing suggestions out there.

    Does he have friends? Relatives he can visit? He can couch surf with them.

    You need a break, Mother.

    Inky

    February 22, 2018 at 6:09 am #193861
    Inky
    Participant

    To add:

    I’m not being heartless. If you die, there will be no one to fall back on, and he WILL truly suffer then. Better to have him be pissed off and resent you now than be hungry and homeless later.

    February 22, 2018 at 9:31 am #193905
    Mark
    Participant

    Coco,

    I agree with what Inky and anita recommended.  I bet your son does not think much of himself especially if his mother is taking care of him in almost every way.

    Ultimately you are not doing him any favors by enabling him, by keeping him from figuring out how to stand on his own two feet.  As an Asian growing up as a minority in New Jersey, I can understand but know that self esteem around that can be overcome. You are not responsible to fix that for him.

    I believe that there is only so much talking/advice/cannabis can do to help.  It takes real life experience for him to figure things out in life and to live as a grown up, independent adult.

    There is something to be said about being self sufficient to help in depression.

    Mark

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