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Relationship that wasnt a relationship gone wrong

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  • #406253
    Alecsee
    Participant

    Hi all. Hope you are well. Gonna set some precedents for my story. Dating period lasted about 4 months from the time of meeting up. We maybe talked for 2 weeks or so b4 meeting up. My personality and ethnicity I am Hispanic so I am straightforward and a stubborn person. It usually seems like when i get into a relationship or dating experience lately ( since my long term relationship i ended 4 years ago) that things go great the first two months and I feel my partner is super into me. It probably seems like I get complacent and cocky in the sense that I stop trying to impress the partner and then things slowly going downhill in their eyes, 1 month of me focusing on  myself. This is probably what happened in summation after I evaluated her thoughts. Her: she is Chinese and very shy but very outspoken to. She herself proclaims she is high maintenance and requires a lot of attention as she should have if she is also putting in the work. In essence, I feel like I got complacent and stopped really trying to impress her but I was still nice and boyfriend like. It also should be said we never made it official and maybe Idk i felt like I could get cheated on but also I did want to keep my options open but after the trip we took (i was going to ask her to be my gf then but didnt) we just started doing gf and bf stuff so I thought it was enough. It obviously wasnt. This pattern has happened with her and someone else although it sort of was established to be official but it seemed forced in the other relationship. about the same amount of time

    I am definitely hurt. But anyways. We are both very trolly and we like to joke around. When I first met her on Bumble we would never stop talking and contstantly send each other jokes and made fun of each other. I tried every time i had a chance i had a chance to talk to her because she seemed high maintenence and seemed to be the type of girl many guys would want to talk to. if approached by a guy however in the street she would turn him away

     

    We went travelling to my hometown she met my parents, we went dancing, she really liked me as a person and I fufilled her needs. After about 1.5 months of dating, I was gonna ask her if she wanted to be a couple and I had a really nice jewelry set to with it. I chickened out for some reason and from there it felt like we were constantly doing bf and gf things. Now I know that was a key mistake, because after 4.5 months she defintely is wondering why i didnt take the initiative. Sometimes I have been in a relationship when the girl has done this. I sometimes wanna see some effrot in that type of stuff from the opposite sex. She also mentioned she likes to get spoiled, and like I said, I burned out and got spoiled by her and let my guard down. She wanted to be more manly and take the lead ( all this stuff I found out two days ago when we talked on the phone twice for a total of  6 hrs and for the first time in awhile it felt good to be spoiled. I We then went to Universal studios, and then our honeymoon phase started to end in her eyes. This was 2.5  months in.  She said that I made her feel bad because I told her we should communicate better and I should just know when things are wrong. Or what shes thinking. Cuz of culture, she was very good at hiding her feelings. She said I criticized and didnt listen to her but either I ignored this (which I didnt she said i should stop yelling at my cats) or she mostly bottled her feelings. It was a combination of both because she playfully would say stuff like that to stop this and I guess I didnt think she was serious. A lot is my fault. So she said the last month she felt not happy, that we didnt go out and do similar things. I asked to go to IN person soccer games but she said she didnt really wanna go so I went by myself. I took 3 solo trips in that months ( I work a 7 day on 7 day off schedule) so Im really busy when i have to work that week. So she asked me once if I liked the movies. I liked them but i personally do think its a waste of money sometimes but to hang out I would like to go. She also said she thought NO looked cool and I asked her about but I told her I didnt really like scary movies. At that point I didnt get the hint that she wanted to go to the movies because these questions were like a month apart and the second time i didnt get a clue. I was just doing my trips

    I got Covid, she helped me out and I thought she was being patient with me. She was going out with her friends so everytime I thought she was enjoying herself with friends and having fun and okay with me with my trips. when in reality she wasnt. thats when we got intimimate for the final time 1.5 weeks ago and I took her to this dance where it was all u can drink and she said she wasnt gonna go cuz I was gonna be out of town, then she said she was gonna go with her Chinese and work peeps. I was away so I was super surprised that they went because her Chinese friends were anti club. So she went with a guy co worker. I was never told the sex of this person until I confronted her. I came back from the trip and I was talking to her and hearing her problems and eventually i tried to be intimate with her and she said she didnt feel like having sex. I wanted to come back and she didnt know I spend the night. ( i sometimes knock out on the couch) I tried again. She was working from her so I undestood her there. it was a hassle to shower and take time away from the desk even tho she barely did anything. A day or two later in the week she went to the movies with the guy. We talked about it and thats when she told she felt like we werent doing any thing together but I always asked her to take a trips me with. The last one we cancelled because our schedules didnt align, And so it hurt because yes, even tho we never said we were mutually exclusive I felt we were. I messed up there. After me chickening out I didnt wanna get cheated on but the irony is she went behind my back but it wasnt technically wrong because we never said we were gf and bf even tho it felt like it. We then had 2 phone calls one 2 hrs the other 4 hrs and she said she was tired of trying so hard and I eventually did admit I got complacent and just enjoyed getting attention for a change. I could tell she was conflicted the whole time. She was saying I wasnt gonna change, people dont change. She had an abusive 6 year partnership where she was hit by her partner, And he was toxic with and cheated on her too. So I was extremely careful the first 2.5 months, I made sure all her needs were met but I went too hard I was obssessed with talking to her the first month and knew the burnout was coming. I told her I liked when ppl told me what their plans were because it made me trust them a lot. She told me, just didnt tell me with who until the dates approached. Mind you I work this week graveyard and nights too. We still are vibing and she says she fell for the guy who constantly joked around the first month or so she thinks. Because I just normalized and made it seem like we were gf and bf I acted like that so things were more mellow and serious. After our 6 day she tells me whats shes doing but she never told me who she was going to go the birthday clubbing party. It was his obviously. So here we are, My world turned upside down but hers apparently turned around a long time. We still have great chemistry and have a lot of fun when we talk but those serious talks are just there to vent, the 6 hrs talk where we established things sort of. She created an option and says she has not done any touching or doesnt see them that way NOW so that was as of 2 days ago and she just went to his Birthday clubbing thing. This is all dutring me being away on a trip and not going to the original event we were supposed to go and then me working graveyard and her still hanging out with him. So things might and might not have gotten intimate, Idk I believe not, because that was probably a group thing. At this point I dont know if its a friend or someone she sees potential in. It can very well be a friend but theres two likelihoods.

    This has been eating at me, Anxiety, crying stress. I am close to closing a house possibly and am still indecisive about that a bit so I just wish I had a clearer head to tackle that. I sent her a big message explaining how I dont like to chase, I rather just walk away but my world has just been turned upside down that I feel that just a week ago we were still really close. I appreciate any remarks, I love honesty I know it seems like im optimistic when I shouldnt be because this looks bad. She said she was hurting but I am hurting terribly and the message I unsent to her displays how much I am hurting. I teared up and cried briefly in our phone chats but part of me wants to just let go but its happening so soon. part of me wants to fight because I dont want to lose her and then all these jealousy feeling that i have stored for awhile have been coming back. I got over those demons but hard to in this situation. Im suffering a lot. I just want to write her a final love letter goodbye, or do the no contact and see if she comes around. She mentioned taking a break and then she always retracts on it. the second call was to tell me she still wants to hang out with her friend. She might think I will forbid her from hanging out with him. Maybe i am silly and I know its in my personality but  I hate to lose, and especially lose someone I cared for alot. She displayed a lot of care for me, more than I gave her so I understand I made her feel underappreciated and maybe not her worth. She felt maybe that I was done putting effort. My thing is that we were doing bf and gf stuff. She even felt the same. A couple without the title. But maybe me not asking just made her feel like crap, like where is this going. That mistake was in the past and I made it and have to recognize it.

    What do you guys think I should do? Go all in and tell her how much this is botherring me and my past (all the messages I unsent) or just dissapear. Or just say bye and dont contact her for awhile. Its hard cuz I dont want her to be with someone else that quickly cuz to me everything tumbling down so fast, I am scared this is someone she is interested in but it may be a friend but it doesnt seem like it . Seems like she has all girl friends. We have spent a lot of time together like hanging out everyday so this is tough. To not hanging out so much cuz of the trips, covid and my work and hers didnt align like this week. Like maybe she just wanted to go out and enjoy life and i was busy. Its all fine but the fact she hid it and hides it is the concerning thing. Also she seems immature in my eyes. Like I feel lke sometimes she does detach her feelings. Theres like bent up anger in her too. The immaturity comes because she does a lot of things that are not adult like and sometimes shes socially awkward but I love that about her, the awkaward part. I am just trying to describe her so you guys get a picture of how she is. She tends to argue with me at times but thats because I guess I need just see that she is just joking. She also thinks that the person should just naturally know what the other person needs. that its natural. It was like that with us in the beginning but it can be challenging at times. she says since I have a outgoing personality and she is more laid back that maybe thats why she feels like its changed.

    Any help/remarks are appreaciated. I feel great when we talk and we text for hours, even now. But after I just dread not knowing whats going on. I like knowing and being in control of that knowlegde. If i dont know I panic become anxious and cant think straight. thank u for reading!

    #406265
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Alecsee

    I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time with the woman you have been seeing.

    I can see where the confusion has come in since you hadn’t discussed being exclusive. Other than that, I can see that you are generally very clear with your communication. Whereas the woman you have been seeing isn’t and expects you to read her mind.

    If you think you can forgive her seeing someone while you weren’t exclusive I would suggest being clear with her about being exclusive and see if this is something that she would be interested in.

    Otherwise, process this situation however you find most helpful. Perhaps, since you are closing a house you shouldn’t stress yourself about this since you are already going through a stressful situation?

    I can understand being excited and wanting to spoil someone early in a relationship but it does create some unrealistic expectations and difficulties with relationships after the phase ends.

    You seem like a really great guy with a good head on your shoulders. I hope the pain that you are in over this situation lessens. 🙏

    #406268
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alecsee:

    I will paraphrase (with quotes) what you shared, best I can: you (a “straightforward and a stubborn person.. outgoing personality“) had a long-term relationship that ended 4 years ago. Since then, you had this pattern in relationships: “things go great the first two months and I feel my partner is super into me.. I stop trying to impress the partner and then things slowly going downhill“.

    Less than 5 months ago, you met a woman (“very shy but very outspoken… high maintenance and requires a lot of attention.. socially awkward.. laid back“) on Bumble, talked to her for 2 weeks, then dated her. After the 1st month, fitting with your pattern, you stopped trying to impress her. You did “gf and bf stuff” with her but never made it official.  In regard to the relationship, you wrote: She displayed a lot of care for me, more than I gave her so I understand I made her feel underappreciated“.

    Recently, “She went with a guy coworker… A day or two later in the week she went to the movies with the guy“. During the long talks you had with her since, she complained that you don’t take her out anymore (“she told she felt like we weren’t doing anything together.. She felt maybe that I was done putting effort“), that “she was tired of trying so hard“, that you criticized her and didn’t listen to her (“She said I criticized and didn’t listen to her“), that you yelled at your cats (“she said I should stop yelling at my cats“),  and she said that she didn’t believe that you can or will change (“She was saying I wasn’t gonna change, people don’t change“).

    About her going out with the other guy, you wrote: “It hurts because yes, even though we never said we were mutually exclusive, I felt we were… she went behind my back, but it wasn’t technically wrong because we never said we were gf and bf even though it felt like it“.

    In March 2019, you shared about the long-term (four years) relationship that you mentioned in this thread: “I started getting constantly mad at her a lot and taking it out on her…she sees me as this angry guy ..had weekly emotional outbursts… the emotional outbursts are when I can’t take it and I start being aggressive… Just saying stuff that makes her put her defenses up and causes argument“.  She too was seeing another guy at the ending stage of the relationship: “she says that I don’t like to go out that much and she and the other guy does…  the other guy doesn’t argue as much“,”.

    In Aug-September 2019 you shared about a girlfriend you had for 5 months after the ex of four years: “<em style=”font-weight: bold;”>Everything was fine, until an argument that  could have been avoided on my end if I had not had a small emotional outburst… <b>It just sucks because we promised each other we would do all these wild sexual things I’ve never experienced… and it sucks not being to carry those out. Thats probably why I am sad and why I am regretting and why I cannot let go.. </b>(she) <b>said that I was too needy and too sexual for her</b>“.

    – Having re-read much of your previous threads, including the 2020 thread for hours today, I think that the key to your relationship unsatisfaction is in this sentence (Aug 28, 2022): “I get complacent and cocky in the sense that I stop trying to impress the partner“-

    – I think that you connect to your girlfriends more sexually emotionally, that you try to impress them, but not to know them or to be known by them. And as a result, you don’t know them or yourself well enough. Let’s look at how you characterized your most recent girlfriend: “very shy but very outspoken… high maintenance and requires a lot of attention.. socially awkward.. laid back“- this description doesn’t sound right to me: if she is very shy (being reserved, showing nervousness or timidity in the company of other people), how can she be very outspoken (express criticism about controversial topics directly and openly)?

    If she has a shy and socially awkward personality, how can she also have a laid back personality?

    And if she is high maintenance, how is it that she was okay a day or a week, or a whole month without you taking her out on dates?

    Let’s look at your characterization of yourself in this thread: “straightforward.. outgoing personality“- to be straightforward means to be uncomplicated and easy to understand,  but having re-read your posts and particularly your original post in this thread, to me- you are complicated and difficult to understand (this is why it’s been taking me hours trying to understand you).

    If you are generally straightforward, how is it that you felt that you wanted to be mutually exclusive with her, and yet you didn’t tell her what you felt (“we never said we were mutually exclusive…. even though it felt like it“).

    Outgoing means to be friendly and socially confident, but from having re-read your threads, you come across as generally significantly anxious and self-doubting, not confident: “I always over analyze everything… Doubting myself since I’m hard on myself a lot of the time… tend to overthink everything... I just dread not knowing what’s going on. I like knowing and being in control… If I don’t know I panic become anxious and can’t think straight“.

    * According to what you shared, you are also given to angry outbursts in the contexts of relationships.

    You ended your current thread with: “This has been eating at me, Anxiety, crying stress.. What do you guys think I should do? Go all in and tell her… or just disappear… Any help/remarks are appreciated…. thank u for reading!“-

    -You are welcome. I think that you should disappear from her life, but reappear in your own life: get to know yourself better, more deeply and thoroughly. If you can afford psychotherapy, quality therapy would be the best place for you to get to know yourself better. Certain support groups can provide this opportunity as well. You are welcome to post again and maybe having conversations here with members can help you as well.

    anita

     

    #406283
    Alecsee
    Participant

    I definitely agree with a lot with what you said. You dissected it perfectly. The problem was not asking her out because then perhaps we could have worked through the problems instead of her running away. Thanks for insight. Gonna give it one last try and then just give up and stop talking to her and move on. Thanks Anita. Whatever follow up definitely helps you are always helping me!

    #406285
    Alecsee
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Oh dang my message got refreshed and deleted. Helcat, thank you for your kind words it means a lot. Instead of sending her all my sentimental feelings (I retracted them) I got her some flowers and a card explaining what she means to me. The one thing that I do regret is not handing them over to her myself. I just left them on her porch. I did this #1 cuz I thought she needed space. But I hadn’t seen her since Tuesday of this week. And I didn’t let her pick what she wanted to see so we were both watching our stuff and eventually we did watch our thing. Since then she went out to the movies with him and went solo clubbing with him on his birthday yesterday so now I know they’re spending a lot more time. And there’s a chance for them to get intimate. So it’s like an ultimatum sadly. Idk exactly what type of relationship they have but it doesn’t sound like it’s just friends Even tho it could be. It’s not looking good. I think my ultimatum has to be that either she takes me back or I walk away from her life entirely because she was willing to hurt me and trample my heart after the fact. I get the not establishing the mutually exclusive, I messed up on that. I have to take responsibility for that decision but in terms of pride and dignity I can’t let someone just take that even if we had good times. She doesn’t like confrontation and she is immature because she hasn’t had many relationships. She knows what she did and what it’s doing to me. So I’ll just live with the consequences. I really do dig her personality but if it’s worth her being selfish and running over someone she cares about then it just wasn’t meant to be. However long it was gonna last or for eternity. J know I sound like it’s all her fault but I’m just venting. It just sucks cuz I could have asked her to be my girlfriend and these problems would have been addressed at some point. But that’s all hindsight. I made a decision and I have to live with that decision</p>

    #406286
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome and thank you for being gracious with me. I wish you well and please post again here or in a new thread on any topic, anytime.

    anita

    #406293
    Alecsee
    Participant

    Well I wasn’t able to log in and I blew up her message inbox with a lot of them. Apparently she said she had errands to run.  I’m pretty sure she spent the night at his house. She looked at the flowers but my ultimatum was ignored cuz the writing was so illegible so I kind of blew up on her. If I fight it would have to be with no hiding anything and no lying so maybe the trust went down the toilet. Really sucks cuz we really vibe and have great chemistry. Her needing time to process is seeing what’s out there. I’ve chased and waited before and i just Break down like I am right now. I guess it was my fault for not making it official, but not really. Don’t know why I didn’t, just haven’t committed in a long time I guess cuz I don’t want to get hurt but it happens anyway. So would have been a Good call. Sigh I need to focus on the house 🏠

    #406295
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Alecsee

    It sounds like you’ve done everything you can. You let her know how you feel. I agree, chasing and waiting is not a good idea. This situation is painful, but we cannot control the emotions and decisions of another person. She has to decide for herself what she wants.

    You might owe her an apology for blowing up on her. It isn’t her fault that it was hard to read your message.

    I can understand not being ready to commit so soon. It’s unfortunate that things have worked out this way.

    What usually helps you refocus when you’re stressed? Do you do any self care practices?

    #406321
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alecsee:

    I blew up her message inbox with a lot of them…. I kind of blew up on her“- sh… shh…  let quiet silence enter your loud, noisy brain, calming it down… hushing it gently.

    If I fight“- sh… shh… no fighting, Alecsee. No fighting. Gently hush the fighting voices in your head.

    I guess it was my fault for not making it official, but not really“- your fault or not: which one is it,  really?

    anita

    #406562
    Alecsee
    Participant

    So yeah guys hi! We are doing good again. I asked her to bring my condoms as an excuse to see her again and because she was gonna have a roommate move in with her (her good friend that is a girl). She said she was going to bring my sweaters over as well and that hurt me cuz then it would feel like it was truly over. We did get into a fight. But we made up the next day. thiings have been good with us since and she seems to compliment me a lot. So suddenly i just asked if she wanted to hang out but she is leaving out of town with her roommate and tonight, it looks like she will have a fancy dinner with the guy. I was suprised because she had been talking a lot with me and it seemed like things slowed down for them. But she still is somewhat curious in what that can bring and I have a lot of things to take care of. Working side jobs to get this house. I am not a jealous type but I feel we are reconnecting again and ofc I know her stance but I feel like after her roommate moves in the guy wont have a lot of opportunity to get intimate with her. Is there anything I can say like past memories that can prolong this abstincence lol i just got an idea and i know I sound ridiculous but if there is little chance for intimacy with them, I may be able to get back into the picture. Thank guys I am slowly healing but i think it sucks

    #406593
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Alecsee

    I’m glad that things have improved. However, I’m curious what your plans are moving forward? It sounds like she plans on dating both of you. Are you okay with that? Or are you going to give her a timeframe to make a decision?

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏

    #406596
    Alecsee
    Participant

    I dont think I can. I read this article yesterday and i think it has to be right.

    https://magnetofsuccess.com/<wbr />ex-dating-someone-else-<wbr />already-it-hurts/#google_<wbr />vignette

     

    It basically says they dont care anyone but themselves. And that she has decided to see whats out there. and that she either has to fail in that relationship or have it be successful. And that by no contact, I can maybe help her miss me or just move on. I mean, it has only been two weeks, but they have gone out 4 times while I just see her here and there cuz she is returning something. She kept my sweaters but I had to tell her to keep em. Like it sounds like she wants to try with a new person, Me being there trying to impress will make her happy but wont make her miss me since Im there. I dont think im dating her anymore. If in 2 weeks (16 days) she has gone out with a guy and I know she moves fast, then what can I do? I cant keep assuming all these dates are pure, they are either having sex or very close to. So i dont know . 16 days ago I was just laying next to her and being intimate and now its like its not the same person. It definitely started before the 2 weeks on her end.So idk if this is the  best approach. Because although we really have fun conversations, I get mad and feel she is toying with me. Basically she knows my feelings, Ive asked to get back and through her actions she is saying otherwise. When we talk she starts to reminisce about us and me as person. So i dunno. I really enjoy talking to her is the thing. But  I also dont want to be idly by and just be the guy who waits. She loves attention so I fear when I stop talking to her, is when she thinks I will have given up. Her way of things is a bit skewed imo. Its hard to stop talking to someone who has been in your life for 4.75 weeks and just stop talking to them. I think if ppl walk out her life, she just lets it happen. Because she is cold and helpless in that matter. She will try only in the beggining

     

    So i guess things arent going so good. I feel good at times cuz I am doing me and focusing on myself but it just is frustrating when she goes out with him after we vibe.

    We send voice messages and she even is open to phone calls. The problem is that she is with another person she is interested in, she does not look at her phone at all. Not a single time. Maybe in a 4 hour span, who knows. That isnt good news

    She might also be scared of losing me as she does share pics but literally I am not the one that is having sex, she wanted to have sex after the 2nd meet up. I waited to the 3rd or 4th i think cuz I wanted to know her as  person.  Its so frustrating cuz I enjoy talking to her but I get bothered by this. I can tlet somoone walk all over me. Even if we have pleasant and fun convos

    #406606
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Alecsee

    Sadly, non committed sexual relationships are very common these days. Many people have multiple partners. I don’t think it indicates that they don’t care about anyone but themselves. Simply that they are exploring their options. She has a right to explore her options.

    That being said, being on the receiving end of this when you are ready to commit is a very hurtful place to be in. You must do what is right for you to protect yourself.

    Personally, I don’t think much of the absence makes the heart grow fonder strategy. Your relationship has been fairly short and experienced difficulties. I don’t think there will be much for her to miss and absence would lead to forgetting.

    #406617
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alecsee:

    I waited to the 3rd or 4th I think cuz I wanted to know her as  person“- good to read that you waited so to get to know her as a person. I think that it is a very good idea that in the future, you wait even longer so to get to know a woman as a person first, perhaps for a whole month or two, or even longer. Wouldn’t that be exciting?

    anita

    #406662
    Alecsee
    Participant

    Helcat,

    i agree with your absense stance. I think she is that type of woman, like if you don’t stay in her life, she will think you don’t want to be in her life and she will accept it. Now as for having múltiple partners. I don’t think she’s like that. She hasn’t asked me to hang out or said yes to a hangout since last Friday when she said no. I also haven’t asked her in the two weeks. Just to get the condoms back. Cuz I was hurting for the sudden cut off and her hanging with him múltiple times. Friday was spontaneous and I know she can be busy. She was going out with the other guy. I think she Just wants to get in a relationship. So if I haven’t hung out with in 2 weeks, how can I ask her to hang if she has been saying yes to all his Invitations and I’ve just been healin

     

     

    Anita, I waited long enough. That’s not the point. I just was waiting for the right moment in the 3rd hangout

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