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Relationship with my mom whom I love a lot

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  • #194811

    My first post after gathering the courage to ask about it on a public forum but glad too reading fellow members out there to help each other, the post is about my relationship with my mom; the current status is her selfish nature, everything revolves around money begins with how much she spent over the number of years to how she owns all the money I earn and save without considering the hardships and effort from my end. Sometimes she thinks of me as her competitor does a one to one comparison and tries to take away the best things that I may own after a great deal of thought and research, its not that I have not let the things I love go to her but it happens all the time and somewhere I begin to think that she is a mother isn’t sacrifice or letting her daughter have her things something all mothers do naturally? When I think of her in my quiet times I realize that I deeply love her, want to and do things for her out of love but they are taken for granted, that competitiveness kills me and I cannot compete because every time you say something for yourself the conversation ends with ” I have done so many things for you” but frankly I was never a demanding daughter, a sincere bookish bright student and an honest person, I just accepted things the way they came to me, what I do for my mom is what a parent would dream off I give her everything she puts her finger on but is it wrong that I expect her to think of what I maybe going through? Is this affecting my life in any way? I dont know what exactly it is but I call it resentment because conversations with her often end in snapping, she only speaks about herself and I get mad at her picking on anything good or bad I do resulting in my love never being reciprocated.

    #194815
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Neha:

    You wrote: “isn’t sacrifice or letting her daughter have her things something all mothers do naturally?”- no, it is not. Clearly your mother doesn’t. Neither did my mother.

    What is natural is that a daughter loves her mother unconditionally and will do anything and everything to please her mother (some give up after a whole lot of trying).

    Unfortunately it is not natural for a mother to want to please her daughter and many don’t attempt to. Many mothers will try to please … their own mothers, but not their daughters (or sons).

    Many mothers (and fathers) will try to please neighbors and strangers, but not their children.

    Many mothers misuse their power as mothers and take advantage of their children and adult children. It is simply easy to do so, because the child and adult child is eager to please, giving wanting only love in return.

    anita

    #194817
    Jennifer Ann
    Participant

    Hi Neha. Love how you reached out for some help on this.

    I wanted to share one big thing I have learned on my own journey about relationship dynamics. It’s ego vs soul. There are many of us who don’t realize when we are engaging that we are either engaging ego to ego, soul to soul or ego to soul.

    Your Mom’s statements from the way you describe have come from her wounded ego self. She, like most, are unconscious to this occurring.

    You’re taking her actions or lack of actions or words too, personal is common because that is your ego-self responding.

    This happens until you begin loving yourself deeper without the need for external attachment and validation of it coming from others or things.

    Please note I am not trying to diminish your Mom’s behavior. But the more you see that it’s lacking what you need to more signs you will find for this to occur. Because she is making love conditional from some of the statements you said. But you can’t control her and her thoughts or emotions.

    You can, however, control yours. When I learned to see that I’m engaging with someone’s ego I stopped taking things personally that others say, do or don’t do.

    I am curious one piece of clarification – Does she really say and act on “how she owns all the money I (you) earn and save” – meaning about your money and takes it from you? Or is she charging you rent and such because your an adult now?

    #194819

    Thank you Jennifer, I just realized from your post about the “taking things too personally part” which I am applying to my mom as well, while I am dealing with it overall never thought of it until you mentioned.

    I agree the more I see it lacking the more I would find those signs and want to chase them.

    For the piece of clarification: its about the control and right on my earnings, not that she charges rent but a lot of demands and expectations when she visits me, I fulfill them to an extent that I am broke for that amount of time.

    #194821

    Thank you Anita, I would agree on the misuse of power but not sure how I can deal with it from my end.

    #194823
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Neha:

    If you would like to examine how you “can deal with it from your end”, let me know.

    * Will be back to the computer in about sixteen hours. Take care, Neha.

    anita

    #195197
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Neha:

    I would like to give you more of my input regarding your original post. I will quote from it and respond.

    “… how she owns all the money I earn and save”- she doesn’t unless the two of you as adults made a legal contract that you have a financial debt to her. A child does not owe money to a parent for food, shelter, clothes and whatever else the parent chooses to buy for the child. For one, a parent has the legal duty to provide for the child food, shelter and such. If the parent chooses to provide more expensive items than it is her choice.

    A child is not qualified to enter a legal contract anyway. Let’s say that as a child you told your mother: “when I grow up I will buy you a house!”- you are not required, legally or morally, to buy her a house because you were a child when you made that statement.

    “Sometimes she thinks of me as her competitor…’I have done so many things for you’ but frankly I was never a demanding daughter.. I just accepted things the way they came to me”- it is unfair, unjust, immoral and .. otherwise wrong to give a child things and bargain later, state: I gave you those things, now give me!

    Because as you wrote, a child accepts, what else is a child to do? A mother gives a child an expensive toy, is the child to say: you shouldn’t have! The child doesn’t know it will be part of bargain later on!

    “I give her everything she puts her finger on”- she bargained well, not that it is difficult for a mother to do, to bargain with her child. Hence, the misuse of power (“I would agree on the misuse of power”, you wrote to me).

    You experience resentment because you are being used and misused.

    What to do? Stop buying her things, stop being used and misused by your mother. Better way to spend your money is in quality psychotherapy, so that you can heal from having been used and misused by your mother.

    In therapy, you can be helped, to be able to say no to your mother, to stop allowing her to use you without the (unjustified) guilty feelings.

    anita

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