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Relationship with someone who is not physically attracted to you

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  • #372354
    Cherie
    Participant

    I’m in a relationship with someone who had admitted in the past that he is not physically attracted to me. We’ve been together for two years. I’m “ok”, but not pretty enough for his preference and he is trying to change his mindset to not care as much about looks, but he has at time struggled with this. A lot of his friends date very attractive girls so he sometimes does think whether he can find someone better. He tells me he loves me for my personality, but I feel like a placeholder. I have always been consider “cute” though not super attractive, so his words made me feel really ugly. I don’t know if I can overcome this insecurity though he tries to help me with this. He wants me to exercise more and eat healthier for both my health and so that I can lose weight so that I look better (I’m like a size 4, but that is considered slightly obese. I have always wanted to get healthier, but I do tend to find excuses (work, taking care of family, etc) and I am inconsistent and struggle generally with losing weight. I have a great relationship with his family who he’s really close to. Recently, his dad was diagnosed with cancer so I have been supporting him through this and spending a lot of time with his family which he does appreciate. I don’t plan on leaving him during this time for obvious reasons, but I am worried about whether I should stay and whether I am dragging out this relationship. It’s so hard because he is a great guy, cares about me and we have similar values. We’ve talked about the future and having kids especially recently, but I don’t want him to be with me just to settle. I don’t want him to feel obliged due to everything I do for him. All my friends and family like him and think he’s the right guy for me. I don’t really have any one to turn to besides my best friend, but I don’t want her to dislike him by oversharing these thoughts I have.

    #372374
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cherie:

    I think that once he admitted to you that he is not physically attracted to you,  his admission should have been the basis of not beginning (or continuing) a sexual relationship.

    Following his admission, a friendship would have been possible, but having a sexual relationship with a man who stated that he is not physically attracted to you, and that sometimes he thinks “whether he can find someone better”- is a bad idea for your mental health.

    “he is a great guy, cares about me..”- well, if he is having a sexual relationship with you after having let you  know that he is not physically attracted to you, and after telling you that he sometime thinks of replacing you with a more attractive woman-  then he is not such a great guy.

    What do you think?

    anita

     

    #372426
    Karla
    Participant

    Hi Cherie

    I could not resist to share my thoughts about your situation.

    I can understand how is to love the perfect one, so perfect that you might accept the fact that he does not feel attracted to you and I am not saying that this feeling isn’t right (at all) but it costs your own peace, self appreciation, and ultimately, we deserve to be with someone that want us as if we were a sugar candy. No matter how amazing the relationship is, sorry, because it makes it more difficult to take a decision. If he were a bad person you could easily leave him, but this is not the case, besides he is passing through a hard situation and you care for him. But think that this is something that will never change, you will be always there for him, your incredible love is not going to stop never, saying that, be relax and free and let it go. You need, deserve (and may want) to have the feeling of being physically desired by someone in all possible ways.

     

    Karla

     

     

    #372467
    Steve
    Participant

    Cherie,

    I’m not an expert at love by any means, but I will tell you that without even seeing you, you are a beautiful girl. You don’t need somebody in your life telling you that you’re not pretty enough. We all have to struggle with our self-esteems enough as it is without somebody who “cares” for you telling you that you’re not good enough. Maybe he doesn’t see that what he’s saying is wrong, but I promise that you are good enough. The right guy would never make you feel any less than beautiful.  Always remember that you are enough!

     

    Steve

    #372641
    Dee
    Participant

    Hi Cherie,

    As others have said, I am no expert at all but would love to give my own input. I am sure you are more than just “cute” or “ok”, and if that’s all your boyfriend thinks still after 2 years then you ought to kick him to the curb. That’s great that he honestly told you about his attraction towards you, or lack thereof, but it’s true that you deserve to be made out to feel like you’re a beautiful , desirable person by whoever you are in a relationship with. I have been in his shoes, I have been unattracted to my partner before and although I appreciated them and had strong emotional feelings for them I knew the relationship wasn’t sustainable. I can only imagine being in your shoes, feeling anything less than gorgeous in the eyes of my partner. I suggest that you do not settle for a relationship with someone who might feel like they’re setting with you. Do not further risk being with someone who could be unfaithful to you. Sounds like you are a really good person and you honestly deserve the best. Hope you take it into heavy consideration!

     

    D

    #372673
    Bubba
    Participant

    Dear Cherie,

    He is not the right guy for you. Period.

    A guy who does not find you attractive is not the right guy for you. You are attractive, everyone is. There are many many girls as beautiful or cute as you who will not find him attractive. It is normal.

     

    I feel sad that a guy thinks he is settling with you and you and your family and friends think he is just the right guy for you.

    Love.

     

     

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