May 22, 2013 at 12:27 pm #35993
For those of you who are still struggling with relationships, you already know that you are among billions of people who are just like you… Just compare the popularity of this very forum to others on Tiny Buddha! But the good news is that you don’t have to struggle anymore 🙂
Very few people are able to achieve “enlightenment” on their own, in fact that’s impossible, that’s why modern society is experiencing such an enormous growth in “helping” professions that specialize in both mental and physical well-being. Relationship counseling is one of them, and guess what, the research and the field work performed by relationship therapists has already achieved the level of maturity that allows people to free themselves from the anxieties and burdens imposed on them by the current social order.
Ladies and gents, I present to you Sex at Dawn, 2011 Winner if Society for Sex Therapy & Research Consumer Book Award and a collaborative work between male psychologist and female psychiatrist, this books aims to cast in new light all the very common concerns people share about human relationships.
I hope you will enjoy!
The Link: http://www.sexatdawn.com
May 22, 2013 at 3:09 pm #36013
- This topic was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Alexey Sunly.
It looks like an interesting read, but I’m skeptical as to the claim that any research would allow, “…people to free themselves from the anxieties and burdens imposed on them by the current social order.” While it may explain why we are the way we are, the what and how are still going to be hard to come by.
I have struggled with issues of monogamy and promiscuity and I know that it’s largely due to my upbringing and the values that I was raised with. (Free love was just never in my vocabulary.) And even though I support sexual freedoms and perhaps am even I envious of those who can take sex so casually, having had my critical developmental years indoctrinated with fairly conservative and overly romanticized views on love, sex, and marriage, there’s certain things I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let go of even though I rationally know that they don’t make sense. Feelings usually trump reason.
When it comes to sexuality and relationships, I think the biggest missing piece is positive sexual and relationship role models. To be honest, I can’t name one of the top of my head, either personal or popular. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t suffered, been burden, or become anxious because of their sexual experiences and relationship issues. If this book paints a picture of what a healthy sexual relationship looks like in practice in the real world, I’d love to see it.
With that said, I really do appreciate the recommendation and I will try to put on it my reading list, and even perhaps come back with my own review.May 22, 2013 at 3:16 pm #36014
From your post it sounds like this book is exactly for you, John. Don’t try to put it on your reading list and start reading it instead… like today 😉May 23, 2013 at 1:10 pm #36043
So I picked up the book last night and read the first couple of chapters, the rest of the book I just perused. I’ve read about the history of sex and the science of sex before, so a lot of this was not new.
I don’t mean to curb anyone’s enthusiasm and you’ll have to forgive me because I’m in a somewhat cynical place today when it comes to relationships, but I think it takes the right kind of emotional and mental space to be able to appreciate this kind of text.
I understand completely where this book is coming from. I spent years in a sexless marriage with five years of couples therapy and one of the reasons I left that relationship was with the promise of sexual exploration and gratification beyond its confines. Thinking myself free of my marriage as well as the sexually morays instilled by my family and society as a whole, what did I find on the other side? More pain, more suffering, more anxiety. Turns out, that despite wanting to break free of social constructs, I’m still very much a prisoner of my mind.
Satisfying my sexual needs without suffering the pain of loss, guilt, shame, anxiety, stress, jealousy, fear of abandonment, and unhealthy attachment is something that runs deeper than simply understanding the sociological, historical, psychological, and evolutionary development that have made me the person I am today. It’s one thing to say I’m not going to subscribe to this formula that’s been imposed on me and then actually have to deal with the emotional and psychological repercussions that made you turn against the tide in the first place.
I struggle with finding the right balance between immediate sexual gratification and the desire for a long term monogamous relationship where I hope to build a family, find stability, companionship, and an authentic and profound emotional connection.
I applaud all books like this one who challenge our traditional views on sex and relationships, but I think it’s going to be at an evolutionary pace and not a revolutionary one that will move me towards becoming a more wholesome sexual being.May 23, 2013 at 2:08 pm #36047
It’s true, it takes time to change the way we think, behave and perceive the world around us 🙂 But every journey starts with a step and ends with a step. Your took quite a few steps already, so you might be much closer to your desired destination than you might think. Or, at least, much closer than those who haven’t yet taken them 🙂
Have you considered making a connection with a group of like minded people who also applaud this particular book and those similar to it? If you do that, you might find someone who had to face similar challenges, and they might be able to share with you their experience 🙂 Sex at Dawn has many fans, it should not be too challenging. And you could always organize one of your own groups, first online and then in your local community.
The most important thing to realize from your experience is that you are not the only one who has struggled with your issues. Many people had to face them as well and were able to successfully overcome them. If you are willing to keep an open mind and learn from them, your struggles may no longer seem as insurmountable as before. And, in fact, you might find that you are actually enjoying the challenge they provide as well as the opportunities to make connection with like-minded people 😀May 23, 2013 at 2:39 pm #36049
I agree, connecting with other open-minded people is key and I try to do that in all aspects of my life. Sex is not a topic of public discourse often enough and I myself would probably struggle with it face to face in a group setting. If this book prompts a dialogue and allows people to learn from the positive experience of others, I think that would be great.May 23, 2013 at 7:37 pm #36054
You could also start a blog about your journey, John 🙂 That would definitely be another good way to do this. If you decide to do it or already have one, you can share the link here, and I am sure there will be people from this forum who will be interested in reading it. I know I would be 🙂