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  • This topic has 18 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by anita.
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  • #401009
    Lukas
    Participant

    Hello community,

     

    I am New to this and quiet shy about this, i am practicing meditation and Zen since a long time and apparently i am horrible at it.

    I have a strong thought of conflict with my Business Partner, i go through it often a Day it eats me up, it nourishes Anger, jealousy and greed in me, but i cannot dissolve it. I am very fortunate and i have everything i need, but i cant seem to nourish my gratitute for what i have and i am moving towards ending the whole cooperation with my Business Partner – who is also my brother.

    I dont know anymore how to let go of the greed, Anger and jealousy which gets me dissapointed at myself.

    I cant seem to break the cycle.

     

    I would be tremendously happy for advice, Things to meditate on or any pointing of a direction

     

    Thank you and love from Europe.

    #401078
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lukas:

    Welcome to the forums. I would like to reply to you further in about 11 hours from now. If you can elaborate on the “anger, jealousy and greed” in you, it will help me understand better.

    anita

    #401083
    Lukas
    Participant

    Hello Anita.

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

    My Partner is way better off in the Deal financially, which is fine, He is the Real founder of the Company, He put in a lot of money, but it makes me angry and it makes me feel underappriciated, so i guess the Anger is fueld by my jealousy. Im jealous of him being better of and thus i can never “overtake” him in this regard and will always Stay behind and He will be better of always, this makes me jealous.

    And the underlying Problem seems to be that i cant manage to be happy with what i have – which is plenty. I can manage this in nearly every other Situation but not in this.

    And it really dissapoints me with myself that i am this “unnobel”

     

    #401089
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lukas:

    You are welcome! You shared that every day, you feel anger, jealousy and greed in regard to your business partner who is also your brother, and you feel disappointed with yourself (feeling “unnobe“)  for feeling angry, jealous and greedy.

    I am very fortunate and I have everything I need, but I can’t seem to nourish my gratitute for what i have… I can’t manage to be happy with what I have- which is plenty” – there is something that you need but you don’t have plenty of.

    My Partner is way better off in the Deal financially… He is the Real founder of the company. He put in a lot of money… it makes me feel underappreciated” – what you don’t have is the feeling of being appreciated, of being valued- in comparison to your brother.

    I’m jealous of him being better of and thus I can never ‘overtake’ him in this regard and will always Stay behind and He will be better of always, this makes me jealous” – if he is your brother, I imagine that you observed how any one of your parents- or both- valued him in comparison to valuing you, and you observed that they valued him more than they valued you?

    anita

    #401895
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Lukas?

    anita

    #409867
    Lukas
    Participant

    hello Anita.

     

    its been a long time, i again want to thank you for All your input. i thought i had made some progress, also I stayed away from the Internet for quiet some time..

    I want to apologize for not taking the time to respond before doing so.

    you are very on point with most of your thoughts. my parenrs though never valued anyone more than an other, they are the real Buddhists without knowing, truly beautiful people.

    I will try to read inro the precepts and suttas for advice on how to transform anger, jealousy and greed.

    Surely i will be able to find something there :)!.

    once again Anita, i am sorry and thakful for your time and love.

    #409880
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lukas:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words and for caring about not having responded to me earlier: no need to apologize (most often, I don’t expect replies, nor do I expect timely replies), but I appreciate your sentiment.

    Good to read that your parents are “real Buddhist without knowing, truly beautiful people“, and that they did not value your brother more than they valued you. I suppose the “anger, jealousy and greed” you suffer from have to do.. with the greater society in which we live.

    I will try to read into the precepts and suttas for advice on how to transform anger, jealousy and greed. Surely I will be able to find something there“-

    learn religions. com/ anger and buddhism: “However much we value loving kindness, we Buddhists are still human beings, and sometimes we get angry. What does Buddhism teach about anger? Anger (including all forms of aversion) is one of the three poisons—the other two are greed (including clinging and attachment) and ignorance… despite the recognition that anger is a hindrance… not getting angry is not a realistic option. We will get angry. What then do we do with our anger?

    “First, Admit You Are Angry: This may sound silly, but how many times have you met someone who clearly was angry, but who insisted he was not? For some reason, some people resist admitting to themselves that they are angry. This is not skillful. You can’t very well deal with something that you won’t admit is there. Buddhism teaches mindfulness. Being mindful of ourselves is part of that. When an unpleasant emotion or thought arises, do not suppress it, run away from it, or deny it. Instead, observe it and fully acknowledge it. Being deeply honest with yourself about yourself is essential to Buddhism.

    “It’s important to understand that anger is very often (the Buddha might say always) created entirely by yourself. It didn’t come swooping out of the ether to infect you. We tend to think that anger is caused by something outside ourselves, such as other people or frustrating events… Buddhism teaches us that anger, like all mental states, is created by the mind… Most of the time, anger is self-defensive. It arises from unresolved fears or when our ego-buttons are pushed… As Buddhists, we recognize that ego, fear, and anger… are merely mental states, as such they’re ghosts, in a sense. Allowing anger to control our actions amounts to being bossed around by ghosts…
    <p id=”mntl-sc-block_1-0-23″ class=”comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html”>”Our practice is to cultivate Metta, a loving-kindness toward all beings that is free of selfish attachment. ‘All beings’ includes the guy who just cut you off at the exit ramp, the co-worker who takes credit for your ideas, and even someone close and trusted who betrays you. For this reason, when we become angry we must take great care not to act on our anger to hurt others. We must also take care not to hang on to our anger and give it a place to live and grow…Embrace your anger with patience and compassion for all beings, including yourself. Like all mental states, anger is temporary and eventually vanishes on its own. Paradoxically, failure to acknowledge anger often fuels its continued existence…”.</p>
    I hope that the above is helpful for you, at this point.

    anita

    #409881
    anita
    Participant

    Re-posting:

    Dear Lukas:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words and for caring about not having responded to me earlier: no need to apologize (most often, I don’t expect replies, nor do I expect timely replies), but I appreciate your sentiment.

    Good to read that your parents are “real Buddhist without knowing, truly beautiful people“, and that they did not value your brother more than they valued you. I suppose the “anger, jealousy and greed” you suffer from have to do.. with the greater society in which we live.

    I will try to read into the precepts and suttas for advice on how to transform anger, jealousy and greed. Surely I will be able to find something there“-

    learn religions. com/ anger and buddhism: “However much we value loving kindness, we Buddhists are still human beings, and sometimes we get angry. What does Buddhism teach about anger? Anger (including all forms of aversion) is one of the three poisons—the other two are greed (including clinging and attachment) and ignorance… despite the recognition that anger is a hindrance… not getting angry is not a realistic option. We will get angry. What then do we do with our anger?

    “First, Admit You Are Angry: This may sound silly, but how many times have you met someone who clearly was angry, but who insisted he was not? For some reason, some people resist admitting to themselves that they are angry. This is not skillful. You can’t very well deal with something that you won’t admit is there. Buddhism teaches mindfulness. Being mindful of ourselves is part of that. When an unpleasant emotion or thought arises, do not suppress it, run away from it, or deny it. Instead, observe it and fully acknowledge it. Being deeply honest with yourself about yourself is essential to Buddhism.

    “It’s important to understand that anger is very often (the Buddha might say always) created entirely by yourself. It didn’t come swooping out of the ether to infect you. We tend to think that anger is caused by something outside ourselves, such as other people or frustrating events… Buddhism teaches us that anger, like all mental states, is created by the mind… Most of the time, anger is self-defensive. It arises from unresolved fears or when our ego-buttons are pushed… As Buddhists, we recognize that ego, fear, and anger… are merely mental states, as such they’re ghosts, in a sense. Allowing anger to control our actions amounts to being bossed around by ghosts…

    “Our practice is to cultivate Metta, a loving-kindness toward all beings that is free of selfish attachment. ‘All beings’ includes the guy who just cut you off at the exit ramp, the co-worker who takes credit for your ideas, and even someone close and trusted who betrays you. For this reason, when we become angry we must take great care not to act on our anger to hurt others. We must also take care not to hang on to our anger and give it a place to live and grow…Embrace your anger with patience and compassion for all beings, including yourself. Like all mental states, anger is temporary and eventually vanishes on its own. Paradoxically, failure to acknowledge anger often fuels its continued existence…”.

    I hope that the above is helpful for you, at this point.

    anita

    #410913
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Lukas

    Have you come across any teachings on mudita – sympathetic joy at someone elses good fortune. The antidote to envy.

    The practice of loving kindness is very powerful. So in your case imagine you & your brother being very young then mentally say phrases like may we be happy, may we be filled with loving kindness, may we be well, may we be peaceful and at ease. No matter what you & your brothers outer accomplishments are now keep seeking a strong heart connection so that your anger & jealousy does not cause either of you any suffering.

    best of luck

    Roberta

    #410925
    Lukas
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your thoughtful response anita, I truly value it.

    There is great truth in this and I did just that, I accepted my anger and welcomed it in every mediation to be here with me, to feel free to come and go as it wants, I will continue to do so. At the same time I tried to look deeply into my brothers existence and understand his suffering to gain compassion and understanding, both of these things helped me tremendously already. As a third practice I now ALWAYS hug my brother when I see him and listen to him thoroughly when we talk, to give as much attention as possible in order to not just practice on my cushion, but to also live what I try to practice.

    again, thank you for your reply, thank you for the quotes which help me to understand more deeply and to keep on walking the path 🙂

    Greetings Lukas

    #410926
    Lukas
    Participant

    Thank you Roberta, i will try this mediation when I sit the next time and keep on continuing to practice it!
    It sounds like a beautiful practice and you are right, also i don’t really strive for outer accomplishments, most people call me very humble and this sometimes even confuses me more, that there indeed is greed in me, while i mostly don’t live a greedy life. At the same time i have to marvel at my existence with all its manifoldness and I think i am making progress, as mentioned above, to just accept and at the same time appreciate all of these qualities to be great teachers to me, while at the same time not nurturing them further

    #410927
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Lukas,

    in addition to all the great input you’ve already received, something occurred to me that might be relevant for your situation. You say:

    my parents never valued anyone more than an other, they are the real Buddhists without knowing, truly beautiful people.

    i cant manage to be happy with what i have – which is plenty. I can manage this in nearly every other Situation but not in this. And it really dissapoints me with myself that i am this “unnobel”

    When you say your parents were “real Buddhists without knowing it”, it occurred to me that perhaps you were brought up with the idea that you should be happy with little, and that seeking material success is not very noble, not too enlightened? And when you see your brother achieve that material success, you’re jealous, because a part of you would like to be successful too, but another part believes it’s wrong to have it?

     

    #410928
    Lukas
    Participant

    Hello Tee,

    thanks for your thought. Of course, this is true, but at the same time, I am very successful, also in a materialistic way.
    But I’d rather not be and move towards a more straightforward, uncomplicated, and “less successful” life, so I am caught between doors and trying to maneuver out of this situation. Which I am, I am working to start something very different.

    I am already there, I am young but I managed to do what most people won’t – to run a multi-million dollar company, but it doesn’t make me happy, there is no value in this, thus I am caught between what I know, and what I know to be, but what is not yet (if that makes sense, I’m not an English native speaker 🙂 ).

    Anyways as mentioned, I feel like I have been making a lot of progress in letting go and at the same time accepting what is there, anger, greed, and ill will and I feel like its ok, its fine to be there, but at the same time I help it being transformed, or I try to 🙂

    #410929
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Lukas,

    I didn’t know that you too were successful financially because of this that you said earlier:

    My Partner is way better off in the Deal financially, which is fine, He is the Real founder of the Company, He put in a lot of money, but it makes me angry and it makes me feel underappriciated, so i guess the Anger is fueld by my jealousy. Im jealous of him being better of and thus i can never “overtake” him in this regard and will always stay behind and He will be better of always, this makes me jealous.

    But it seems that both you and your brother are successful, running a multi-million dollar company, with the difference that he is somewhat more successful, and a part of you is jealous of that.

    Another part of you is blaming and judging your greed, because you say money doesn’t make you happy (“it doesn’t make me happy, there is no value in this“). This part doesn’t value outer accomplishments and wants to be humble and selfless:

    I don’t really strive for outer accomplishments, most people call me very humble and this sometimes even confuses me more, that there indeed is greed in me

    So I believe there is an inner conflict in you: on one hand you want achievement and success, on the other you’re judging yourself for it. And probably the judging part comes from your “Buddhist-like” parents, who were humble but were perhaps subtly judgmental towards “materialistic” people?

    I feel like I have been making a lot of progress in letting go and at the same time accepting what is there, anger, greed, and ill will and I feel like its ok, its fine to be there

    This is great development that you’re not judging your anger, greed and other “lesser” feelings any more, but simply observe them and let them be.

    but at the same time I help it being transformed, or I try to

    In order for those feelings to be really transformed, I think you’d need to address the possible underlying issues, such as the inner conflict I’ve mentioned. I think that striving for material success isn’t a bad thing in itself, but if you only strive for that, that’s when it becomes a problem.

    There are many humble and selfless people who are also materially successful. Being humble and being rich doesn’t necessarily exclude each other. It seems to me that you might have adopted the belief that humble and rich doesn’t go together, which could be the cause of your inner conflict?

     

    #410930
    Lukas
    Participant

    Hello tee,

    there is some great truth in this I guess. My parents never judged materialistic people, they themselves are very “rich” without living like it, also had friends which were living a very materialistic life.

    But I am sure you are right about the fact that I don’t value outer accomplishments that much, it just doesn’t fulfill me, I think this is the key point – I think I need to make a choice in some sort of way, I don’t want o to impoverish myself, but I want to leave the consumption-oriented business, I think these things are harming our planet and our future livelihood and I can see and feel that this is not in accordance to what I want to be living.

    I think you might be right about that, that I don’t think it goes together, at the same time I agree with you, I know a lot of rich, humble people. BUT I don’t want to be getting rich from selling things, I don’t want to add more to consumption, and I don’t want to exploit resources more, I guess my point of view is more like this:
    Living a capitalistic life and nurturing capitalistic tendencies don’t go together with my concept of not harming other living beings.

    But anyway, thank you a lot for your input it gave me a lot to think about and I think you are right about a lot of things and i have more understanding now to further improve my well-being.

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