Hi Noah,

I don’t mind sharing, I need all the help I can get! In this particular relationship, there were a few instances where I felt he behaved in quite an entitled manner, which I guess I found embarrassing and is not something that I find attractive, or would do myself. Interestingly, my lack of respect for him does make it seem like I do have a sense of superiority though surely? Thinking aloud here!

The biggest issues I had were his conflict resolution, which was very poor and consisted of the silent treatment, lots of huffing and puffing and facial expressions, and ultimately the response ‘whatever’; I felt that he was behaving like a spoiled child (he’s 42 and works in business management). I’ve had my own issues with poor conflict resolution in the past and now try really hard to be calm, reasonable and rationale so perhaps I was triggered more because of this in these situations.

My other main issue was that I guess I felt that he needed to ‘man up.’ He treated me really well, and was very generous, although I had an underlying sense that he needed recognition for these things from myself as well as others. He also wasn’t what I would call ‘tough’ I guess; I’m the sort of person who doesn’t obsess about their health etc but he would be quite dramatic in this regard. We both work out, but he would frequently complain that he couldn’t do this or that for whatever reason and I would get frustrated as he would state that he wished to lose weight and yet this didn’t seem to materialize (I’ve had my own weight/eating issues so there could be some projection there from me).

Our relationship ultimately ended after I met his friends for the first time at a party and I spent the entire time watching them treat him like a slave and screeching at him to get them this, that and the other and openly belittling him. One of them even spent the evening telling me that he was ‘pompous’, a ‘mummy’s boy’ and that he had ‘daddy issues’ and was ‘older than his age.’

I can appreciate that overall it probably wasn’t a good match in terms of personality types but I have had issues previously where guys have been really good to me but ultimately I have no respect for them. As a child, my Dad would spoil me much to the disgust of my Mum, and in my later years I really held very little respect for my Dad…I guess I’m just wondering if there is a link there and whether it is possible to tease it apart.

Perhaps I need therapy!

Lily

Hi Anita,

Thanks for the insight. I think you may have made some very good points! I certainly try to avoid being spoiled, for my birthday this year I was treated to a lot of stuff by this particular man and I felt deeply uncomfortable; I suppose I make a conscious effort to avoid the possibility of being accused of being spoiled because I don’t feel that I am, even my Mother would say that I was…I did have a lot of nice things but really would have preferred a more loving upbringing.

These days I won’t take anything from anyone, including my Mother who offers me large sums of money. I work hard and out of principle, would never ask or accept that.

Seems like a huge mess to me; I’ll give my old psych a call next week and see if I can get a session to talk it out. I suppose I’m learning all the time which is a positive!

Thanks again,

Lily