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Responsibility for Ones Own Feelings

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  • May 3, 2014 at 7:32 am #55764
    Alex
    Participant

    Over the past while I have fully understood the concept that I am responsible for my own feelings. No one can make me feel one way or another and I am in control of how I react to any given situation. Even though I know and understand this I know not everyone around me does. My question is how to you show remorse when your actions (whether petty or serious) hurt or negatively affect another person such as a friend or family member. What you want to say to them is that “you are responsible for the way you feel, not me.” But how do you say this to a person without sounding rude for those who do not understand this concept themselves. I would also like to say “I’m sorry you feel that way.” But again you don’t want them to let you take all the blame for the way that they feel based on something you said or did. I’m not saying that I want to go around hurting other peoples’ feelings without any responsibility. But we all know (women especially) can take offence to some of the smallest things we say, that were not intended to be offensive. For example once I lost a best friend over a few petty comments I had made which I never intended to be malicious. She just couldn’t get over them. I hope my question is clear, now I’m rambling.

    May 3, 2014 at 1:11 pm #55765
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Alex,

    Can I share some thoughts? I’m no expert but I have had some bad experiences and some good ones. Yes communication can be a challenge and sometimes people take it the wrong way and just react. I’ve had that. And, I know that sometimes I judge people because I have high standards or a different view or I may not like the person that much.

    Words are 10% of communication so tone and body language can be a big influence. If you’re talking by text or internet be extra careful. Also a soft intro can set up the topic. Asking a question can help get engagement, such as,”I have a dress like that – do you want to know what I got for shoes?” vs. “You’re not wearing Those are you.” Another intro would be expressing understanding: “You must be so frazzled about your interview being tomorrow and you don’t have shoes – with those not working out.” Or “Can I say what I’m thinking? Can I be direct with you.” This sends the message that you are about to help.

    If things don’t go well… “Wait – I’m sorry. Can we back up and try that again?” Would this sound more inclusive than “*I’m* sorry that *you* feel that way.”?

    Does any of this make sense? I think I’m rambling now…. 🙂

    Me – I’m trying to use more emotional intelligence (Goleman’s book helped I think) – the self-awareness part. Seeing how I feel and act and how the other person feels and acts. I’m also trying to chill out because I get up tight about stuff, more than I should. All of this hurts relationships. Yup I’ve done it in the past couple months – so don’t take me as an expert lol.You might reflect on why you are bumping into people, with a comment, then getting a reaction and then thinking why and it’s mostly on them. I know for me I get into trouble when I get my nose into other people’s business – justifying it in my mind because “I’m right” and “they need to change something.”

    I hope this gives you at least a little bit to think about. If I missed your point and missed the mark please forgive me. And if you have any suggestions for me, I am all ears!

    Oh I would be remiss if I left out “acceptance.” I’m learning – yes old dog new tricks who knew? – that by accepting myself fully, I can accept others fully for who they are. Just simple acceptance. Doesn’t mean I agree. Even if I think I’m right, my standards are different or I’m not really friends with the other person.

    What are your thoughts?

    Big blue

    May 3, 2014 at 7:53 pm #55768
    Dang
    Participant

    Hi Alex,
    I think we have our own standards, it’s often different. So when we have a conversation, it can have conflict which we don’t want. This causes the bad relationship. I agree with “Big blue” that we simply is acceptance and react positively. Gradually, people will be sympathetic to each other and our relationship will improve. this is also my thought, i hope it can be useful to you.

    May 3, 2014 at 10:46 pm #55774
    louise
    Participant

    You are not responsible if you had no intent to hurt someones feelings.

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