Hey @genie and @michelle

Thanks for checking in! I followed the other thread for a bit and then the replies got a bit overwhelming so I didn’t check back for a bit. Keen to connect with you all though.

Quite enjoying life in lockdown all things considered. I think my brain likes the certainty of knowing how the days are going to go and not having the stress of commuting to work or the reactions or strangers going about my day. Unlike a lot of countries we have a clear lockdown system and clear rules, and a timeframe for reviewing those rules. So a lot of my anticipatory anxiety is gone. It seems a bit… off… to be making the most of this lowering in anxiety given the wider context but it is what it is. I am actually more worried about re-aclimatising after this is all over but we’ll deal with that when I get there.

In an unexpected twist of events, I also have an ‘iso-date’ lined up. Been talking to a person I met online  pretty solidly for a week now, and she suggested it. She seems lovely, and we have enjoyable conversations. She  found out that I use a wheelchair without me telling her because we have some mutual friends on Twitter and I really could not have hoped for a better response, which is always such a relief for me. We have agreed to keep being open with one another and once lockdown lifts, go on a date to see how we get along in person. I am trying really hard to not get ahead of myself and fantasise too much. And also recognise familiar patterns and take a step back to analyse my instincts and reactions more objectively before taking action. It’s not easy at all, but I do think I am learning! Whatever happens, I’m proud of myself for putting myself out there and I think I will make a new friend out of it at the least. Stay tuned, I guess!!

How are you and Jay going Genie?

Glad you are well and making the most of the sun and outdoor space, Michelle. It’s the same around here – so many more people out and about!

Take care both. Happy Easter!

Hey both.

@Adelaide. Really good to hear from you again, glad you’ve joined this thread. I know exactly what you mean by the ‘off’ comment. I think a lot of people are actually enjoying the lock-down – which isn’t quite the right word either but I think you guys will get what I mean.  People worry about global events but they don’t really mean that much until they impact you on a personal level. For a lot of people I know it’s meant more free time, less commuting stress and a realisation it’s a way better balanced lifestyle. So even though they want it to happen, they are likewise a little concerned about going back to ‘normal’, as/when that might be. Since we already have a pretty alternative lifestyle to most, it’s also a bit of an odd feeling to not be struggling too much with the lockdown when others are. So I absolutely get you on that one.

An iso-date huh?!? I wonder how many new words will exist from this crisis by the end of the year?! Made me smile though, I love it.  It’s a tricky balance – part of the fun of the initial meeting of someone where you get that spark is to imagine where it may or may not go and there’s no harm in indulging in a few happy fantasies. I think you know yourself pretty well to know when they become unhelpful for you though and when you are putting too much onto it too early. Stay focused on getting to know her and enjoy the positive energy – I do think it’s awesomely brave of you and it’s a wonderful story of how nothing good happens without a bit of risk. You know you are strong enough to handle it.

@Genie. I didn’t think you were a bitch at all, all very respectful. Likewise I hope both Kkaxso and Shelby do eventually figure out that if they want things to change for them, it is up to them and there’s a lot of support for them if/when needed.  It’s hard when you see people you’ve gotten to know pretty well get stuck. It will be good for them to have their own space back and provide each other with the style of sympathy and encouragement they want from this forum. Hopefully at some point they will get there.

It sounds like you are likewise enjoying the buzz of those early days with Jay, awesome to hear 🙂   If I understood correctly though, you’re nervous of establishing anything routine/expected in the way you guys are communicating?  I’m thinking because if it then doesn’t happen, that’s when you panic it’s “going wrong/he’s no longer interested”. Did I get that right? Jay’s clearly stuck through a lot with you so you know what I’m going to say here – this isn’t about him but you and that damn self-esteem we all struggle with at times… So my take, I think by avoiding establishing anything too committed, you’re protecting yourself from a possibility of hurt and a little like Adelaide, it’s a learning game to get the balance right of how much risk to take and when.  I don’t think he will think you are playing games as you’ve been pretty honest with each other but I do think he may get confused by the potential mixed signals.  So keep being as honest as you can about how much you are enjoying your communications, looking forwards to seeing him etc – which I’m sure you are doing 😉  At some point the lockdown will be lifted and this would be a good time to work through how you would like that to look with Jay, what are you going to be comfortable with in terms of regular dating. When you feel the panic rising at the thought of getting close to someone again who can potentially hurt you, take a big breathe and try to remember all the reasons, the ‘evidence’ if you like, of why this is a good thing, something to enjoy – worth the risk. And remember that you have survived far worse and can do so again if you have to. That strong Genie you remember is still in there, she’s just cautiously poking her head out and remembering life can be good. Do your best to encourage her 🙂

Hope you both still ate too much chocolate and enjoyed the slightly odd Easter. Take care, ‘speak’ soon.

Hey both.

Great timing @Adelaide, I was literally just replying to Genie & then your awesome isodate update came in! I can tell how well it went just by the enthusiasm bursting through your writing 🙂 I did laugh at us being a cheerleading squad – being more than a bit of a tomboy it’s not a natural image for me 😉  But so long as I don’t need to wear a frilly skirt I’m honoured and so happy to hear it went so well. Perhaps we get t-shirts ?!?  It’s also so cool to hear how far you have come in, both in terms of your ex and even better in being able to see the anxious thoughts for what they are, just thoughts, not reality.  Absolutely, the more you do something you find scary, it becomes less unknown and the fear reduces as you see it for what it really is.  That’s why all the thinking in the world is no good without action and vice-versa.

Thanks both for celebrating my news, it is a huge weight off indeed. And just in time for my partner & I to celebrate our 20th anniversary tomorrow – how crazy is that, 20 years somehow…flies by I tell ya!

You are bang on how I think about the illusion of control too.  It’s a sticking plaster for anxiety and bizarrely it’s only when you give it up that the anxiety truly disappears. I’ve had many many times fighting to deny that, trust me! It’s one of the reasons I’m so into travel – it constantly challenges you to accept and deal with changes/challenges. Alongside all the fun stuff obviously..!  Once you accept you can’t control anything but yourself and your own choices/actions it’s actually really empowering, not scary, I’ve found anyway. Again, the more you do it, the easier it becomes as your mind learns to trust this new behavior more than the old anxious behavior.

@Genie.  It’s hard isn’t it, when you feel like you aren’t good enough for someone. And it doesn’t matter how many times someone tells you different if you don’t believe it yourself. I used to struggle with this one big time, being very needy for a lot of assurance. Two things made the big difference for me. One, I realised that I needed to be brave enough to be myself, to show my real self to the world, not who I thought they wanted me to be. It’s hard when you’ve been brought up by an anxious people-pleaser, it’s second nature to try to be what people want. But that just means that when they like/love you, you don’t really feel it – instead it’s just that they are liking/loving the image of you.  That’s why I know Jay is good for you as you can be yourself with him – which has taken huge courage on your part so give yourself some credit for that.  The second one that helped me was the one on control/courage. Each time you do something out of your comfort zone, you grow a little. You get more confidence in being able to do so again. You have a wider, deeper life and you aren’t dependent on peoples responses to be happy or not.  You trust yourself and in doing so, you are able to free those tight reins of control without losing control of yourself. So whilst the thing with Jay is going well and that’s awesome – remember this is really about your whole life, your health, family, friends, work – Jay is just one part of it. A fun, exciting possibilities part for sure but you get what I mean here I know. You’re smarter than you think and have great self-awareness. I know it’s tough but start to believe in yourself and be proud of how far you have come already.  Keep taking those small steps forwards into what scares you and see yourself sitting with the stress, dealing with it and then seeing it turn out ok. Practicing in non-Jay related areas of your life will make it so much easier as you get used to it.

Take care both, I  won’t be around tomorrow since we’ll be out and about celebrating here – well, as far as allowed in quarantine! )

Hey both!

@genie Thanks for your nice feedback on my writing. I’m glad you find it helpful! Thanks so much for the cheerleading and support! Re “cutting the cord”, the latest interactions I’ve had with both my ex and flirty acquaintance has been on Twitter which is public anyway. I’ve committed to myself that I’ll only interact with them on public platforms now, if at all, as they’ll be able to see what I say regardless – but you’re right there’s always a risk of temptation. I think now that I see how unfulfilling the relationship with my ex was, from an objective perspective, it’s unlikely. Like you say, progress! 🙂

I think Michelle has excellent advice re Jay coming to stay with you. Let us know what you decide! I am very happy to hear that you too have moved on and recognised you deserve a life-giving relationship! I do think you guys should consider a series of iso-dates if you don’t end up together in quarantine; amazing how creative one can get!

@Michelle, your celebrations sound lovely! And reading about you planning your next adventures made me smile. Must be extra sweet to do so knowing you have the all clear health wise!

It’s reassuring that you can relate to the ‘rules’ thing as I do feel a bit ridiculous! And I think you’re right about it being a need to get things ‘right’. What I am learning too is that different people of course react differently – so reminding myself that just because my ex did or didn’t do something doesn’t mean this person will do the same makes me less afraid to try things out.

Our next iso-date we are thinking we will eat ice cream in our pajamas and watch something together again. What makes it quite cute is that she got ice cream delivered to my house (I knew she was getting something delivered but wasn’t sure what), so we will be eating matching ice cream! I also ordered her some flower shaped cookies because it’s the closest thing I can find to flowers at the moment. I don’t think she’s got them yet though.Who says romance isn’t possible long distance… 🙂

Re resilience and humour, yep humour is my go-to, too! I haven’t seen my therapist in awhile but when I am talking about my anxieties, or a particular thought pattern of mine, she has said to me a few times “you’re laughing about this?” And I say “yes because it is so typical of me!” so yep it does really help to have a laugh at our own expense. I have the resilient feeling you describe  in other areas of my life but it’s fair to say that because I am so inexperienced with romantic relationships, I have a lot of work to do to build it in this aspect. However as you say, the more I do or don’t do things the more confident I feel so I guess I just have to keep at it.

Thanks both for your kind words about my friend’s/Flatmate’s suicide. I feel like therapy has helped me in terms of just being ok with sitting in the sadness of it all whenever I need to. And being ok with the fact that even if other people in my life don’t acknowledge the impact of it on me (e.g my parents, whose way of dealing with hard things is to minimise them), I can acknowledge it myself.

Sheesh, I do feel I have put a lot of work into some heavy stuff the last six months or so. Nice to reap some benefits from it. Thanks for always being a great sounding board! Take care! X