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Scared after reading here that people are not over their breakup even after year

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • #50102
    Life
    Participant

    My relationship of an year and a half has ended. I have spent all this time caring about her, making her build confidence, making her understand how to deal with family problems, i did all i could, but when it came to me i felt i was not cared even a bit when i needed her the most. It has broken me down. I read articles here that people have not come over break ups even after 2-3 years and it hurts.
    Here is why i am scared.
    After an year of emotional breakdown i built up GCD and anxiety, i have excess amount of worries. I worry mostly about her.
    I have not told her how badly i was hurt because when i tried to she made fun of my feelings.
    The way she behaves now was unexpected. She acts like an attention seeker on facebook and posts about sex and all.
    I know she lied to me and i have kept it inside me.
    She has hurt me beyond my imagination. I stalk her on facebook and see how she is doing all the things which she had promised she won’t.
    I feel like a knife going in my heart when i see it.
    I actually even don’t feel like moving on sometimes.
    Whenever i tried to tell her that this thing has hurt me (which no person could have tolerated) she used to taunt me to such an extent that i would regret it why did i even tell her how i feel.
    I wake up crying and i sleep crying and all the day i carry all these feelings in my heart.

    #50103
    memm
    Participant

    She sounds like an unhappy person and there’s nothing you can do about that, you can only control your own actions and she will have to deal with her own issues one day. Don’t fight her for answers or try and prove something, just be compassionate and realise she is most probably a mess inside, outside appearances don’t matter. It’s easier to move on and protect yourself when coming from a place of understanding.

    #50104
    Life
    Participant

    Memm i want her to be happy and me too that is it.

    #50106
    memm
    Participant

    That’s fine but realistically unless she wants the help there’s nothing you can do. You can’t force happiness, we have to want it and work towards it ourselves. So until she decides on that and wants your help you are unfortunately not needed.

    Another way to look at it is that when she tries to hurt you she also hurts yourself; distancing yourself so that she has no reason to lash out is doing her a favour as much as yourself. Basically you’re providing her the opportunity to hurt herself (by hurting you) by not leaving well enough alone.

    And I’ll just repeat for emphasis: I believe you can’t force somebody to be happy, you can’t shove love down their throat, happiness is an internal struggle that we have to do for ourselves. The best you can do is be as compassionate with her as anybody else.

    #50109
    Life
    Participant

    She is happy with her life i am the one who is unhappy about myself and that she lied to me about many things it is me who is carving for happiness.

    #50111
    Life
    Participant

    Memm i don’t understand how she is doing this to help me. I was breaking up with her 4 months ago but she held on to it, she didn’t let me, she did not ask me why i was upset, she kept on doing things which would have hurt any guy in any situation. She did those things for whole 4 months. When she accepted what she did she broke up after a minute. Now she is doing all those things which she knows that if she does it i will be brutally hurt. Instead of letting me break up peacefully she broke my heart so so badly i had never expected that she will treat me this way.

    #50140
    eye of the storm
    Participant

    Life, I have been there. And it is not a fun place to be. You must first stop stalking her on facebook. Block her. Block her phone number and then delete it from your contact list. Do not lurk where you think she may be. I know you don’t want to but you need to do this in order to heal. You have an open wound that will not heal unless you stop reinjuring it. She cannot keep you from breaking up with her. You allowed yourself to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Get out. For yourself, you need to get out. She lied and hurt you on purpose, do not stay with someone who wants to make you suffer. You deserve someone who will enrich your life not degrade it.

    My ex did the same thing to me; lied, posted pictures to hurt me, made sure I would see the other women and how happy he was. It took me a long time to heal from my broken marriage. The reason was, I would not allow myself to heal. I constantly worked the wound, kept it open and festering. Once I decided that I was worth more, I moved on and healed.

    Right now you are too invested in giving her all the power. she this, she that. You need to take back your control and power. The only way you will do that is to stop putting this on her, she can do nothing to you. You are doing this all on your own. Take responsibility and then take the time to heal.

    Good luck.

    #50142
    Jade Chen
    Participant

    I agree with Eye of the Storm. You will not start to heal yourself unless and until you stop following her in Facebook/other social media and trying to find out what she’s up to. I think Eye’s suggestion to block her on Facebook is a good one. It’s also good at this time to find a good therapist or counsellor to talk to, to help you get through this difficult time. Also, seek out activities that calm you and rejuvenate you – whether it’s a sporting activity or just taking a quiet walk or looking at art, you know best what calm you and lifts your spirits. And consciously avoid the things you already know from experience will wind you up needlessly – like checking out your ex’s FB page!If it depresses you to read about other people’s relationship woes, my advice is: skip the Forum pages of Tiny Buddha for now and focus on yhe many helpful articles this website has about tackling emotional and spiritual distress. All the best.

    #50148
    lostisme
    Participant

    Life, I am in the same boat as you are today. I have experienced extreme pain and suffering for the same reasons. And I still suffer. I have read so many blogs, self help books and everything else what I thought might give me some respite but none of that lessens the pain. None of that takes away these feelings of sadness. But I try. Each day.
    I try to distance myself from the source of my suffering. And it sometimes feels impossible because the source thrives within me. Sometimes we love certain people not ‘for’ who they are but ‘despite’ who they are but those people fail to realize that. I did not expect this person to love me back, it was how I felt for him, I understood fairly well that he didn’t necessarily have to feel the same way for me. But he still hurt me, unprovoked. I could never find the answers to it. And oh how brutally I was hurt. I still shudder at the thought. Sometimes it’s hard to understand why people whom we love so dearly hurt us and turn into total strangers. Life isn’t what these self help blogs say, life is what we are experiencing at the moment. Your misery will last as long as you choose to prolong it. Take the first step, for yourself. Start letting go of things, slowly, no matter how painful they seem. I am doing the same and yes I am in pain and I cry every few hours but I also know I am slowly trying to heal myself. I know I cannot forever cling on to someone who ‘chose’ to humiliate and hurt me, I know I cannot hold on to that person no matter how dear he is to me. Holding on only brings pain. Let go and set yourself free. At least try. I am trying too.
    And be good to everyone despite your bad experiences. That is important.

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