Scarred forever for tainted love?

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This topic has 8 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by XenopusTex.

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October 29, 2016 at 3:08 am #119123

meaow
Participant

This is my first ever forum post on any website, so thank you so much for reading it 🙂

Just over five years ago, I had quite a traumatic end to my relationship with a man I loved, the only man I’ve ever loved so far. In a nutshell: We were together for three years. He had quite a serious gambling addiction and suffered with depression. I wasn’t fully aware of the extent of his addiction, until one day he disappeared from my life, stealing quite a lot of money and possessions from me. We were living together at the time.

Needless to say, this was a huge blow to me and it took me a good year or so to recover. I have over time forgiven him and know now that he had deep problems and I was very much caught up in his muddled existence at that time.

Since then I have struggled to form any kind of closeness with a lover, that goes past sex.

I know that I have to accept myself more, and trust that not everyone will reject me, in the future, but I think deep down I’m scared to open myself up to anyone. As it’s been five years since I’ve been single, some people have asked ‘what’s going on? How come you’re still single?’ and I’m sensing that people may be thinking I’m weird or something. Whilst I’m not in a rush to settle down and have children, etc (I’m 28), I would at least like the option of forming a deeper relationship now. It seems that I have hardly any romantic interaction with anybody! And the concept of flirting is terrifying to me…and also somewhat ludicrous! I just don’t know what to do… there have been three people that have been attracted to me in the last five years, but sadly I couldn’t reciprocate the feelings as I simply didn’t feel any sparks…but perhaps this is because of some barrier I’m putting up? How on earth does this barrier come down?!

I make great relationships with men, have strong male friendships…but I can’t ever seem to take the risk and let myself be emotionally and romantically open to someone. There doesn’t seem to be the option. I feel completely stuck. Instead I have fed my hunger for closeness and romance with promiscuous sex. I now believe that this is not helping me at all, and I am presently making a move towards stopping casual sex – it feels so empty afterwards. I just feel very very lonely sometimes, and often cry in the evenings at the realisation that I’m alone in bed again. It’s not just about sex though, I want to feel close to someone, and to feel desired and respected by that person as well, and vice versa. I want to love again. I’m very scared that no one will ever love me again.

If anyone has any advice or practices that I can take on to begin to change myself for the better, I would be so grateful. xxx

October 29, 2016 at 4:46 am #119124
Inky
Participant
Hi meaow,

I have several thoughts.

1. If you sue him (even now) in a small claims court (or at least start the process even if it doesn’t lead anywhere) that will empower you. You will realize that YOU matter and set a spiritual line in the sand for how YOU are to be treated.

2. No more living together with someone.

3. No more meaningless sex. Sex is nature’s glue that helps bond people together. Nature’s “glue” to you is becoming physically meaningless. Abstain for a while. Romantic notions and urgings should replace it as the sexual energy will have nowhere else to go. This will help you.

4. Get a professional matchmaker (they do exist!). Nothing online (i.e. Match) yet. Ask your friends and family to set you up with people.

5. Only go to quality places. If you only meet quality people you will eventually only fall in love with a quality person. I.e. Church, yes, bars, no.

6. A few sessions with a good therapist would help you snap out of this emotional construct you have.

Good Luck!

Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
October 29, 2016 at 4:55 am #119126

Anonymous
Guest

Dear meaow:

You asked: ” How on earth does this barrier come down?!” The barrier was not there before the ending of your three year relationship, when you were 22 or 23, correct?

My suggested answer: no sex for a while- which you already decided on. You wrote: “I have fed my hunger for closeness and romance with promiscuous sex.” You wrote, in this sentence, that you do have a “hunger for closeness.”

If you don’t feed this hunger for closeness with promiscuous sex, you will have to feed it otherwise.

What is that “otherwise”- not flirting since that is terrifying to you (you wrote that). You do have strong male friendships, you wrote, so do more of that. And then, just sit there, in front of your male friend, and… well, what happens next, in the absence of sex, remains to be seen. Relax, calm yourself best you can. You don’t have to follow any.. rules as to what needs to happen (except that one rule of no sex), let silence be, discomfort, anything that comes up, maybe hold hands.

anita

October 29, 2016 at 1:31 pm #119155

Pegasus63
Participant

Hi meaow,

I am new to here also. I am sorry about what you are going through. I found your comment about wanting to be desired and feeling close to someone to be particularly touching.

I wish I had a magic answer for you. I agree with Anita that somehow you need to feed this hunger. There may be a path toward this in finding a passion in which your heart can be satisfied– maybe an art, or something. (I sing. Not well. Not in public.) Chase a rainbow for yourself.

Let me try this though, and I know it’s “out of the box” and maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. Is (or was) there any trust being felt between you and the three men that you mention in your post? Perhaps the barrier that you felt is that you did care for these men and you deep down didn’t want to hurt them, so you put up a wall, not just to protect yourself but to protect them as well. If that’s true, then you did a noble, caring thing.

When (notice I said when, not if) you meet someone that you feel you can trust, you can be more forthright with him and explain what has been happening. If he understands, you may be on your way. If he doesn’t, that is not on you. I wouldn’t jump right to this right away, of course– “not on the first date” as the cliche goes. We all have our crosses to bear. Talking about them at the right time is not a weakness, but a strength. Speaking of strength… you were strong enough to come here to post, so please give yourself credit for that.

I will do more than hope that things work out for you… I have confidence that they will, though it will take some time and work.

Thank you for reading.

Pegasus63

October 29, 2016 at 2:02 pm #119161
Peter
Participant
I have been reading many of the posts on this site of people asking for advice and something… I don’t know…

Do the stories we tell about an experience eventual become the experience? Do we write our story or does the story end up writing us? Perhaps there is a tipping point that we don’t notice when we surrender and allow the story to define ourselves and our present…

Anyway just a thought I had while reading your post.

I was also reminded of a book I read long ago by David Richo – When the Past is Present
Maybe that is a place for you to start in reclaiming your story and living the life you want to tell.

“Though most of us want to move on from our past, we tend to go through our lives simply casting new people into the roles of key people, such as our parents or any significant person with whom there is still unfinished business.”
― David Richo, When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships
- This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Peter.
November 24, 2016 at 11:42 am #121052

meaow
Participant

Many many thanks everybody <3 x

November 24, 2016 at 6:32 pm #121064

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, Katarina McKinlay!
anita

November 24, 2016 at 8:01 pm #121073

VJ
Participant

Dear KM,

“ I would at least like the option of forming a deeper relationship now. It seems that I have hardly any romantic interaction with anybody!…. I just don’t know what to do”
“There doesn’t seem to be the option. I feel completely stuck”
“I want to feel close to someone”
“…and to feel desired and respected by that person as well, and vice versa. I want to love again”
“If anyone has any advice or practices that I can take on to begin to change myself for the better, I would be so grateful”

Yes, I do have an advice for you as you are looking for a soulmate kind of love where you want to love and also be loved, which is simply being human.

And the advice is this e-book for you.

E-book name: You Find Your Soul Mate When You Let Go of Searching
Free Download Link:
(http://s000.tinyupload.com/?file_id=33537370403726193065)
(The PDF on the above link will remain for an unlimited period of time unless the file is not downloaded by anyone for 100 days)

You can go through the e-book and if you prefer also can do as suggested by the author (below)
—————————————————————————————————————————————-
Note from the author: Gabriella Hartwell
This book is intended for singles AND couples. This book will help you to connect with who you are so that you can draw your soul mate to you, or to bring your current relationship to a soul mate level. –
Spirit operates in giving love freely, the exchange of energy
without any expectations, and therefore I am offering my book,
‘You Find Your Soul Mate When You Let Go of Searching’, in a PDF
format free of charge.
The only thing that I ask is if you feel inspired, please write a
review for the book on Amazon.com and spread the book to those
you think may benefit from it…
I am always available for coaching and to help anyone to connect
with and receive love.
May all the love in your heart warm you,
Gabriella Hartwell
http://www.EmergingSoul.com
—————————————————————————————————————————————-
Amazon link where you can read the description of the book as well as review it as suggested above:
(https://www.amazon.com/Find-Your-Soul-Mate-Searching/dp/061523853X)

Take good care of yourself,
VJ

November 24, 2016 at 8:14 pm #121075

XenopusTex
Participant

*Queues up “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell*

Something like a gambling addiction is bad. Sounds like somebody needs to be prosecuted for theft.

Just be glad that somebody didn’t come to collect on that gambling debt. Depending on the size of that debt, there are lots of ways to collect on it. Trust me, you don’t want to experience some of those.

You aren’t going to find satisfaction in aimless promiscuity. You might find something that you don’t want, and something that medicine can’t cure.

I’m a little cynical about people who put on displays of religiosity.
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