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  • #399393
    anita
    Participant

    Dear People:

    I put together the following post to a member this morning, but by the time I tried to submit the post, the member deleted her thread, so it failed to submit. I decided to start a thread on the topic, copying and pasting the post that failed to submit, and follow it with a second post to the member (I will not mention the member’s screen name or username, and refer to her as Bullied, B for short). Following the second post, I would like to communicate with members about the topic and look into it further.

    Dear Bullied:

    You have been a victim of school bullying for over a decade.  I want to dedicate this first post today to look into this very serious, painful and damaging experience of being bullied in school, copying and pasting from various online sources. In the second post today, I will look into what you shared about your own experience of being bullied in school.

    Wikipedia, on school bullying:  “School bullying, like bullying outside the school context, refers to one or more perpetrators who have greater physical or social power than their victim and act aggressively toward their victim by verbal or physical means.  This behavior…  must be repetitive and habitual to be considered bullying… Students who… are perceived to be vulnerable or are atypical or considered outsiders are at higher risk of being victimized by bullies…

    “Bullying is a subcategory of aggressive behavior that is characterised by hostile intent (the harm caused is deliberate), imbalance of power (real or perceived power inequality between bully and victim), and repetition over a period of time…

    “Experts advise that involved parents avoid talking directly to each other. Instead, it is recommended to contact the school and allow it to take action… In many countries teachers have a legal obligation to prevent their students from harm… by using non-punitive approaches to bullying, by supporting victims, and by involving other teachers or professionals… Where no other solution for bullying is working, or in cases where the bullying is very severe, it may be necessary to suspend or expel the offender…

    “In cases that are more difficult to solve, the victim may consider a change of institution or even moving with his or her family to another place…

    “Direct bullying is a relatively open attack on a victim that is physical and/or verbal in nature. Indirect bullying is more subtle and harder to detect, but involves one or more forms of relational aggression…

    * Healthline, com: “Relational bullying (also called social bullying) isn’t easy to spot because it often happens behind the back of the bullied person. A relational bully is usually set on increasing their own social standing by diminishing the standing of another child. Relational bullying is about: * harming a child’s reputation * causing humiliation * spreading rumors or lies * making faces at the child * mimicking the child * encouraging or even rewarding others to socially exclude the child”.

    The gem foundation. com: “Relational bullying, also known as social bullying, is… very common among our youth, especially with girls. Youth, especially in junior high and high school want to be liked and accepted, relational bullies use this against them. Their weapon is typically a group of people… Relational bullies use social groups to hurt their peers and the peer’s standing within a group. It can be hard to detect social bullying and unfortunately because it isn’t overt, it can go on for a long time unnoticed … Some different types of relational bullying include: *Exclusion from activities the rest of the group is involved in, * Sharing secrets or breaking confidences they have promised to keep, * Spreading rumors and gossip… There are many factors that drive this type of behavior. Some of these include: * Excitement – they enjoy the attention they get when gossiping or divulging confidences. *Peer Pressure – the desire to fit in for some kids overrides the need to be kind and compassionate…

    Back to Wikipedia on school bullying: “Pack bullying is bullying undertaken by a group. The 2009 Wesley Report on bullying found that pack bullying was more prominent in high schools and lasted longer than bullying undertaken by individuals…

    “Emotional bullying is any form of bullying that causes damage to a victim’s psyche and/ or emotional well-being… Verbal bullying are slanderous statements or accusations that cause the victim undue emotional distress. Examples include foul language…  directed at the victim; using derogatory terms or deriding the person’s name; commenting negatively on someone’s looks, clothes, body, etc… tormenting, harassing, mocking and belittling, threatening to cause harm, and making inappropriate sexual comments…

    “Victims of bullying tend to be physically smaller, more sensitive, unhappy, cautious, anxious, quiet, and withdrawn. They are sometimes characterized as passive or submissive. Possessing these qualities makes these individuals vulnerable, as they are seen as being less likely to retaliate…

    “The US Department of Health and Human Services divides the participants (in school bullying) into 7 actors, consisting of the initial ‘triangle’ (the person doing the bullying, the person getting bullied, and the bystander) plus those who assist, those who reinforce the actions of the bully, those who aren’t involved but witness the bullying (‘outsiders’), and those who come to the assistance of the victim after the fact (‘defenders’).

    “School bullying might not end with interaction between students; other dynamics may be visible within a school. Students may bully each other or others (teachers, staff, parents), but the students may also experience bullying from teachers or staff. These dynamics may also be in play between staff and teachers, parents and teachers, or any other combination thereof.

    “As a result of bullying, victims may feel depressed, anxious, angry, stressed, helpless, out of control, and may experience a significant drop in school performance, or, in rare cases, commit suicide… Over the long term, they may feel insecure, lack trust, exhibit extreme sensitivity or hypervigilance, develop mental illnesses such as avoidant personality disorder, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or develop other health challenges. They may also desire revenge, sometimes leading them to torment others in return.

    “Anxiety, depression, and psychosomatic symptoms are common among both bullies and their victims; and alcohol and substance abuse… are commonly seen later in life… Bullies have been shown to have higher levels of social loneliness and lower levels of school adjustment…

    “According to the journal Evolutionary Psychological Science, victims of bullying are more likely to be sexually inactive compared to bullies”.

    Wikipedia, on Bullying: “characteristics of bullies…: Studies have shown that envy and resentment may be motives for bullying… While some bullies are arrogant and narcissistic, they can also use bullying as a tool to conceal shame or anxiety or to boost self-esteem: by demeaning others, the abuser feels empowered. Bullies may bully out of jealousy or because they themselves are bullied.

    study. com on bullying in schools: “Some students who bully others have low self-esteem; however, there are others that have much higher self-confidence. Those with high self-confidence tend to lack compassion and empathy and can respond aggressively whenever they feel threatened”.

    anita

     

    • This topic was modified 3 weeks, 2 days ago by anita.
    #399444
    anita
    Participant

    Dear B:

    In your original post, you shared that you were bullied by a peer (a girl your age) during primary school all the way to high school, for over 10 years, and you didn’t tell your parents. In a later post, after I asked you why you didn’t tell your parents, you shared that you did tell them. I was surprised because how could you… forget to mention in your original post that you told your parents, seems to me that telling them about such a distressing ongoing situation would be a memorable event.

    You explained in later posts (and in your very last post), that the Bully started bullying you when you were 6. She bullied you for 5-6 years before you told your parents. On the 5th or 6th year, in the presence of your parents, you weren’t able to stop yourself from crying, and so, it happened that you told them. When you told them, they wanted to take action, but you did not let them. After some time, because you kept coming home crying, they went to your school and talked to your teacher, but the teacher dismissed their concerns and that was the end of what your parents did in regard to interrupting your years-long bullying in school. They did buy you self-help books though and paid for your therapy.

    At another time, you shared that you didn’t tell your parents about the bullying because you met the bully’s parents, knew that they thought that their daughter (your bully) was an angel, and that they will believe her (not you) and defend her. You also shared that you first went straight to your teacher for help because your teacher witnessed the bullying. But your teacher, instead of helping you (the bullied) stood up for the bully who was her favorite student.

    It was some time after you deleted your thread that I understood why, in your first post when you presented the topic of school bullying, you forgot to mention that you told your parents: it simply wasn’t memorable, nothing came out of it, no help for you.

    You didn’t tell them about being bullied for the first 5-6 years, I now understand, because you didn’t have faith in their ability to help you, and when you finally told them (not because you planned on telling them, but because you couldn’t stop yourself from crying and they asked you what’s wrong), they wanted to take action, but you didn’t let them because you didn’t have faith in them helping you. Your choice of the words, I didn’t let them, indicates to me that you viewed them as weak. A child who views her parents as strong and capable and in charge, does not… let her parents do or not do anything; strong parents will not allow their child to decide for them what they should or should not do.

    When you met your bully’s parents, you were impressed by them being strong parents who will defend their daughters. On the other hand, you viewed your parents correctly as weak parents. There was no one to back you up, and the Bully must have known that- she probably met your parents, must as you have met hers, and she was impressed by them being weak, timid, passive perhaps, so she knew that you had no one to back you up.

    Bullies and abusers of any age, who target children, choose children who have absent, disengaged or weak parents.

    You shared that you asked her one time why she was bullying you, and her answer was: because I can! She could because you didn’t have strong parents on your side. If you did, she would be afraid to bully you!

    A baby automatically reaches out to her mother for what she needs, food, comfort, protection, no second thoughts, but you did not reach out to your mother or your father for protection because you learned over time that when it comes to protection, you don’t get it by reaching out to your parents

    You didn’t let them take any action to defend you because (I think) you didn’t believe that they will succeed even if they tried, being as weak as they were. Maybe you protected them from trying and failing to successfully confront the strong adults: your teacher (who favored your bully and stood up for her), or the bully’s parents (who thought their daughter was an angel and would successfully defend her).

    Wikipedia: School bullying, like bullying outside the school context, refers to one or more perpetrators who have greater physical or social power than their victim” – your bully’s greater social power sources were her parents and her teacher.

    anita

    #399418
    Lindsey62
    Participant

    I think this was a post I wanted to respond to, but I am probably on a different timeline. Hence my trying to find it this morning and it not being there. Can I ask if this was about someone around 20 years of age? And a lifelong bully who would not let her go? I’m trying to work out if this is in connection with the post I read, as I didn’t think the other one was in Parenting.

    #399469
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey62:

    Yes, the thread that was deleted, the one I am referring to was about a woman in her 20s who was bullied in school for over ten years by a female peer. The thread did not appear in the Parenting forum, I chose to resurrect the topic in this forum.

    anita

    #399494
    Lindsey62
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for explaining, as I was confused about where the topic was. I understand now.

    I think that separating from a person, when they are insistent on knowing you, can be hard, difficult. It must be harder if that person is a bully, because of the mental control they have.

     

    #399497
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey62:

    You are welcome. “I think that separating from a person, when they are insistent on knowing you, can be… harder if that person is a bully, because of the mental control they have” – it is very hard to separate from a person who controls you, controls you through guilt, or threats… are you in a situation like this?

    anita

    #399504
    Lindsey62
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m not in a situation like this, thankfully. I’ve had that poster on my mind though.

    #399505
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey62:

    I have this thread on my mind too, that’s why I started this thread. Some of the behavior the original poster of the deleted thread (I refer to her as “B”) described in regard to her “friend” bullying her reminds me of my mother’s behaviors toward me, particularly in regard to the intent of the bully to hurt the weaker person they choose to bully.

    Usually, when it comes to parents abusing their children, when talking about those abuses, the parents are often excused as far as their intent goes (common excuses: they meant well, did the best they could with what they had, they had difficult childhoods themselves, they didn’t know any better, etc.). But when bullying is discussed, there is no mention of a bully not having the intent to hurt the one they bully.

    anita

    #399659
    Lindsey62
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m sorry to read that your mother’s behaviour towards you was full of harsh intention. Sometimes a narcissistic mother will behave in this manner and it can be devastating for the child. Was there a reason your mother behaved this way, do you know?
    Intention to hurt is something that should be talked about more.

    Referring back to the other thread, I was  concerned that B was told that her parents might be weak. We don’t know the full situation of other people. Also people can be grieving. It is hard to be told that, which might not be correct, when a parent has just died. I think it felt to her as if the bullying was being put on her shoulders and that her parents let her down. Perhaps that’s why the thread was deleted.

    I hope it’s ok to be honest.

    #399670
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey62:

    I hope it’s ok to be honest“- of course it’s okay to be honest, thank you for being honest!

    Referring back to the other thread, I was concerned that B was told that her parents might be weak. We don’t know the full situation of other people” – I base my replies to a member on what the member shares. I put a lot of work and time reading what a member shares, re-reading it, re-typing it in my way, and coming to my best understanding for the time being. Every time I receive new information from a member, I re-read the old information and integrate the old and the new, to form an improved understanding.

    Also, people can be grieving. It is hard to be told that, which might not be correct, when a parent has just died” – I was aware that B lost her father not long before she started her thread, but I was also aware that her focus, right from her original post and onward, was not her father and his death, but the woman who bullied her since B was 6 years old.

    She focused on the bullying topic, and I focused on what she focused on. I believe that the parents of both sides of the bullying (the bully’s parents and the parents of the bullied), are very relevant to the topic of school bullying. Teachers and school personnel are relevant as well, of course.  When a 6-year-old bullies another 6-year-old, and continues to bully her uninterrupted for 10 years, the parents/ adults in the situation need to be looked at.

    I think it felt to her as if the bullying was being put on her shoulders and that her parents let her down. Perhaps that’s why the thread was deleted” – there were contradictions and changes in B’s story as her thread progressed: In her original post, B didn’t tell her parents, later she told her parents. In an earlier post, her parents didn’t do anything about the bullying, in a later post- they did. In an early post, the Bully was an angel to everyone and all the girls in school liked her, in a later post, the Bully was arrogant in high school and almost all the girls disliked her. Currently (both women are in their mid-twenties), the bully is again an angle to everyone, and everyone likes her.

    I posted to B about these contradictions and changes in the story, and she responded, saying “it hurts deeply to suggest that I am exaggerating her bad behaviour simply because I failed to provide a clear timeline of the events“.

    I felt badly about B feeling hurt. In the next two posts, I expressed to her how much I appreciate her being tactful and kind to me even though she was deeply hurt by my suggestions. She responded kindly, but the day after, she deleted her thread. I decided to start this new thread on the topic of School Bullying because I felt badly about her deleting her own thread, feeling that I failed her, and I wanted to do something in the right direction, which is to acknowledge the topic of School Bullying and develop it. I thought that maybe this thread will help others who suffer or have suffered from this common type of bullying.

    I was also thinking that maybe B will be reading this, and that she might feel that her topic was not forgotten or dismissed. Maybe she will even post here.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by anita.
    #399672
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey22:

    I’m sorry to read that your mother’s behaviour towards you was full of harsh intention” – thank you for your empathy.

    Was there a reason your mother behaved this way, do you know?” – she was angry.

    Intention to hurt is something that should be talked about more” – yes. There is nothing more difficult for a child to accept than the idea that her/ his parent has or had the intention to hurt her own child.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by anita.
    #399829
    Lindsey62
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m sorry I’ve not been able to return earlier, I wanted  to post with careful wording.

    ” I base my replies to a member on what the member shares. I put a lot of work and time reading what a member shares, re-reading it, re-typing it in my way, and coming to my best understanding for the time being. Every time I receive new information from a member, I re-read the old information and integrate the old and the new, to form an improved understanding”

    Understood. It’s important to have a good understanding, and that can take time to form in the mind. It can take hard work to comprehend what others are writing about.

    I agree that B’s focus was on the bullying, the bully had upset her very much. Part of that upset was about the bully being so forceful, that B was in a situation where she felt upset that she’d not felt able to stand up for her father (in other words, keep the topic about the loss of her father, and not what the bully was talking insensitively about, which was her supposedly wonderful life). That tells me that B was raw about her loss.

    Parental behaviour absolutely should be discussed, if not too difficult or raw, but people should have choices, as I’m sure you agree. I can’t recall what B’s actual question was – I think she asked for tips on how to handle such a situation.

    Regarding the changes in the story, I can totally see how this occurs. Especially when people are stressed or upset. I’ve done it myself. In wanting to convey what happens, it’s not always possible (for a variety of reasons) to explain in detail or to explain why one minute something is so, but it can also be another way, maybe a few weeks or days later, or a month or year later. It can take so much effort to go into the detail, and it can be impossible to work out in a stressed mind. It looks like contradiction, but may simply be someone attempting to convey all the things that happened. It doesn’t mean it’s not a true account.

    I do think this is a common type of bullying and it should be talked about more.

    I also hope that it helps people to discuss or even just to think about such bullying. It was kind to start a thread about it.

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by Lindsey62.
    #399836
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey62:

    You are welcome to return to this thread any time you wish, no such thing as a late reply. I read your perfectly worded post and agree with what you expressed. Iam wondering, did you intend to reply to the OP of the deleted thread, but she deleted her thread before you were able to reply?

    If you replied to her, what would you have said to her, I wonder. You can, if you so choose, address her here. Maybe she is reading, maybe someone who struggles like her is reading.

    anita

     

    #400000
    Lindsey62
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you 🙂 It’s nice not to have any pressure. I can’t always be on the computer as often as I’d like.  I intended to reply to the OP but was tired at that time, so decided to wait until the next day. The thread was removed by her, before I was able to give any thought or input.

    I have what are really random thoughts. That these difficult situations don’t last for ever, and that we find a way through. It’s good to practice what to say, if the bully gets in touch, because it’s less likely then to be in a flustered or upset state. I think someone mentioned this on another post. Practice over and over, to give yourself courage. It might be an idea to take up a physical sport or pasttime that could be a protector.

    Perhaps use a mantra word or saying. I have ptsd and I was helped a lot, going past a place of memory, to say to myself “I am strong and I can do this”. I felt a surge of energy and was able to pass the place. It felt good.

    It can help to walk in Nature. Find trees.
    Perhaps also, imagine what you might say to a friend in such a situation. I find that can sometimes be useful.

    Finally, there’s nothing wrong (in my book) about experiencing anger. A person is doing hurtful things, so don’t become an “echo” of yourself:  what about your life, and what you feel or need? Sometimes we need to put ourselves first to keep ourselves safe and not wither away. This may involve removing ourselves from toxic people.

    So those are my rambling thoughts.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Lindsey62.
    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Lindsey62.
    #400019
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey62:

    You are welcome. It’s good to read from you whenever you post. It’s been very slow on the forums for some time and today, your post is the only one so far that I will reply to, so I want to take my time (it will be a very long post), not only to reply to your recent post, but to process my own experience with bullying (not school bullying, but Parental Bullying). It helps me to develop my thought when I type them and see if I gain a deeper understanding as a result. Please feel free to read or not to read what follows. My primary intent here is to help myself; my secondary intent is to potentially help another member who may be reading this post.

    There is a poem called Hokusai Says, “Hokusai says, look carefully-He says pay attention, notice- He says keep looking, stay curious- He says there is no end to seeing- – – He says live with the world inside you- He says it doesn’t matter if you draw- or write books. It doesn’t matter- if you saw wood, or catch fish- it doesn’t matter if you sit at home, and stare at the ants on your verandah- or the shadows, or the trees- and grasses in your garden- It matters that you care- It matters that you notice- It matters that life- lives through you- — He says don’t be afraid- don’t be afraid- Look, feel, let life take you by the hand- Let life live through you.” –

    – what this poem means to me is that the life in me (emotions, sensations, thoughts and interpretations) needs to be in a state of flow: it needs to freely move through me. What happened in my life as a child (and in the lives of so many, unfortunately) is that the life inside me got stuck, blocked, trapped, no longer flowing: my breathing became shallow, constricted; I developed motor and vocal tics, I was distressed in so many ways, and generally uncomfortable being me.

    I think that the first time I talked about my childhood was when I was in my early 20s. It felt good. In my 30s I read many self-help books, attended self-help groups and talked a lot more. I understood more and often felt a relief, but the relief didn’t last. I was repeatedly disappointed, feeling further distressed about the distress returning and persisting.

    The poem I quoted from was introduced to me by my former psychotherapist 11 years ago, in the beginning of my first quality psychotherapy experience. What the poem means to me is that the distress returns because there is more to see (more to understand), more that I didn’t yet see. As the poem says, there is no end to seeing.

    The life inside us, made of our emotions, sensations and thoughts, is complex (very complex when one’s childhood is very disturbing). I didn’t understand earlier that it takes the right attitude to seeing more and more: it takes not expecting magic and having the patience to make small progress today and build on top of that progress the day after, and the day after, for the rest of one’s life.

    The wrong attitude I had earlier:  I can see/ understand everything today, and tomorrow and onward, I will live happily-ever-after. As a result of this wrong attitude (which is also an unrealistic expectation, and an all-or-nothing thought distortion), whenever I felt distressed, I figured that the progress I thought I made the day before, didn’t really happen. And so, I dismissed the progress of the day before as non-progress, and started each day from scratch, not building on top of previous progress. The result: no progress for decades.

    It is relatively recently, while communicating with members in these forums, every day, 7 days a week, that I finally started building today on top of the progress made yesterday, and as a result, I am experiencing ongoing progress.

    I will now share about my bullying experience with the intent of seeing more than I saw before, understanding more. I intend to get some emotions unstuck while typing. I intend to type slowly, not share about events, but mostly emotions.  After this part of my post, I will reply to your recent post (with the understanding I will have when I get to it):

    She used me, that’s all. Used me.

    That’s all I got, all I want to say about my childhood, it says it all. “She” refers to a woman I happened to be born to.

    I took some time after writing the above. I should explain a bit, just so that the reader (assuming someone is reading) may understand what I mean by her using me: she used me for two things: 1) as an audience, an empathetic audience for her histrionics (going on and on… and on and on about her pain, her sorrows, her… her painful life), and 2) as a thing to blame and to punish.

    As the child that I was, I was a sitting duck. The online definition of a sitting duck is “a person or thing with no protection against an attack or other source of danger“. What stands out to me in this definition is “a… thing“- it feels more accurate than “a person”: she used me as a thing.

    What I am in touch with this very moment is the intense, massive, persistent guilt in me all these many years. It is a heavy-weight burden, definitely a block to … the flow of life inside me. It feels like a pain, a deep emotional pain. The feeling that I am at fault, that is, deserving her blame. It hurt just now to type these words: “deserving her blame”. As I typed these three words, I felt… deserving of her blame, and it hurt.

    Oh, how I wished since early on to live without that guilt, I remember (I think I was a teenager, but not older than in early 20s) that I said to myself: if I could live one day without this guilt, my life will be worth living.

    This guilt is blocking the life within me, it continues to create distress within me.

    This relentless feeling of guilt- not always felt but always there- it has been telling me all these years that who or what I am does not deserve to be alive, that the right thing to do is to get rid of this guilty thing that is me. Because that’s what should be done in a just society: get rid of the ones who are guilty, punish them, isolate them, imprison them, suppress them so that they don’t harm innocent people.

    It made me feel worthless, of course, like not worth life… it’s just a matter of time before any other person finds out that I am not worthy of any positive attention. When given positive attention, I still either reject it (not letting it in, or not letting much of it in), or (when I like the person who seems to like me), I am eager to express anything and everything that will please the other person: religious views, political views that are not mine, but his or her. So intoxicating is the feeling of being liked, of being thought of as a worthy of someone’s seeming positive attention, that I- for a short while- will do anything, say anything for that feeling.

    Connecting the topic of Guilt to Bullying and the forum I chose: Parenting, I read from The Positive Parenting Centre. com/ Understanding Emotional Bullying in Children: ” Your typical emotional bullies are master manipulators controlling their target by disempowering them through fear, shame, guilt and embarrassment”, 

    “Emotional Bullying…  targets the positive emotions of its victims such as trust, pride, happiness, hopefulness, contentment, confidence and worthiness”.

    Paired Life. com/ Guilt tripping is a form of Bullying: “A guilt trip is a form of psychological abuse. Some psychologists may call it emotional manipulation. I call it bullying… Guilt trippers will make you feel responsible for what they do, feel and have suffered. They dramatize situations… Now the worst thing one can do is lay a guilt trip on a child. Yelling and screaming about how disappointed you feel is darn right selfish and egotistical. What kind of nut are you?”

    This term, Emotional Bullying is helpful to me. I wasn’t familiar with this term. Yes, she targeted my positive emotions, like the quote above said, attacking my positive emotions of trust, hopefulness, contentment, confidence, worthiness, and so, these emotions went into hiding, repressed, suppressed, blocking life from flowing through me.

    Instead of the beauty of life (trust, hopefulness, etc.), I suffered the intense distress of excessive, tormenting guilt, shame, fear, anger, and conflict- within me and with others.

    She said I was guilty, in many words, many times, with lots of dramatizations/ histrionics, threats etc. Was she right? She was convincing and I believed her (not fully, hence inner conflict). Was she right, was I guilty?

    In my mind’s eye, I am seeing her and I back in time. I want to see the true picture, what truly happened. Before getting to the real picture, what was the unreal picture in my mind all these years? It was seeing her as innocent and good, and seeing me as guilty, bad, the one who made her suffer.

    And now, what do I see…. she is not good. There is a sadness in writing this, still somewhat of a shock to the system: I still see her as good… look at her, nice and warm and all-good. She wasn’t? The other image, I have this other image of her too, since an early age: Angry, with a capital A.

    Who was she in the picture with me? I want her to be good, I want to see her as good, but she is not. She wouldn’t have gone hours at a time, repeatedly, through the years, hurting me so badly, seeing me hurt, never to regret and stop, never to apologize and stop. She wanted to hurt me all these years.  She succeeded.

    Not that it is a difficult task for a mother to hurt her child. For her, to hurt me is an easy and safe task.

    When I type about her (here and elsewhere), I shift, inattentively from the past tense to the present tense- because in my mind, she is still there, screaming at me, blaming me.

    But she was wrong, she is wrong all along. The girl was innocent, the mother was guilty.

    This is the end of my self-help work today.

    * I am aware that this is a public forum, and there is a risk of cyber bullying, as well as the risk of members replying to the original poster (me in this case) angrily, impatiently, inattentively, and/or dismissing the OP’s abilities and successes and focusing on the OP’s inabilities and failures, sometimes insisting on the latter. This is why, due to the very personal nature of what I shared in this post, I ask that members do not comment on what I shared (it’s okay to comment or use the poem and online sources that I included in this post), and instead- if you want to do your own self-help work, share about your own experience. If you choose to do your own self-help work (here or on your own thread), and like me, you don’t want members to comment on what you share, please state so clearly.

    One more thing, I reserve the right to not reply to any member who was or is disrespectful to me either because of ill-intent (the intent to hurt me), or because of serious carelessness (ex., failing to notice that I asked to not comment on what I shared and proceeding to comment).

    And now, to your post, Lindsey62, in regard to what you would have said to the OP who had a thread about being bullied:

    I have what are really random thoughts. That these difficult situations don’t last forever, and that we find a way through” – I can see how bullying effects can last forever, effects lasted so far in my life. The way through, I believe, is what I did here, in this post

    It’s good to practice what to say, if the bully gets in touch, because it’s less likely then to be in a flustered or upset state… Practice over and over, to give yourself courage. It might be an idea to take up a physical sport or pastime that could be a protector. Perhaps use a mantra word or saying” – I so hope the OP of the deleted thread will be reading this. I think that it is an excellent advice, in regard to her bully, a woman her own age. Of course, this advice is not applicable to a child who is bullied by a parent.

    Continued excellent advice: “It can help to walk in Nature. Find trees. Perhaps also, imagine what you might say to a friend in such a situation… There’s nothing wrong (in my book) about experiencing anger. A person is doing hurtful things, so don’t become an “echo” of yourself:  what about your life, and what you feel or need? Sometimes we need to put ourselves first to keep ourselves safe and not wither away. This may involve removing ourselves from toxic people“.

    I have ptsd and I was helped a lot, going past a place of memory, to say to myself ‘I am strong, and I can do this’. I felt a surge of energy and was able to pass the place. It felt good” – I will say the same thing to myself right now: I am strong, and I can do this!

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by anita.
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