May 19, 2022 at 7:12 am #400677
Thank you, Helcat!
I didn’t know much of what you shared until you shared it today. What a shame that you too were bullied in school (and bullied/ abused at home). You wrote that most of the bullying you suffered was emotional, having been “constantly ridiculed and laughted at” – we all need to feel that we are positively valued, and when we are ridiculed (negatively valued)… it hurts at any age. When children and teenagers are ridiculed, it hurts acutely.
The childhood song says “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” – but these words are so very untrue. Words can hurt, they can hurt a whole lot.
Healthy place. com on Emotional Bullying: “Victims often feel shame, guilt, embarrassment and fear. These effects of emotional bullying can result in: Depression, Low self-esteem, Shyness, Poor academic or job performance, Isolation, Threatened or attemtped suicide”.
Being bullied in Catholic School and at home by your older sister, and witnessing domestic violence otherwise, all that led you to a few or most of the results listed above.
“He (your son) became very depressed at age 14“, “I however did remove my son from a highschool where there was notorious bullying, and despite my son having insisted he wanted to attend that school because his friends were there… He loved his new school and thrived there” – Excellent job: doing what’s right for your son even though he didn’t want to change schools. I wish parents of bullied children/ teenagers who do not want to change schools for the same reason, read what you shared and take charge of the situation, like you did.
“I don’t have a lot of friends, but I don’t care. I have one very good friend, my son and my pets. – and another lady who has been very kind to me. I’m grateful for the warmth and advice from here. That’s enough for me. The search for love and acceptance is over – what a relief” – I smiled reading this, particularly the last sentence!
In the online source above, on the topci of emotional bullying, I came across this: “Those who have experienced emotional bullying are more likely to turn around and become emotional bullies themselves… Emotional bullying can also lead to a version of Stockholm Syndrome, where the victim over-identifies with the emotional bully and even defends the bully’s behavior to others” –
– regarding the latter part, the bullied person defending the bully’s behavior, it is something to keep in mind: when one suspects that a child or a teenager is being bullied (not knowing for sure), and the child/ teenager defends the alleged bully, it does not mean that there is no bullying going on. It could be a version of Stockholm Syndrome.
Back to “The search for love and acceptance is over” – congratulations!
anitaMay 19, 2022 at 9:55 pm #400729
Thank you so much Anita. Yes, such relief. I could have saved myself a lot of negative feelings if I had given up sooner. I almost did, and then I met Geoff (the wealthy divorced farmer), and part of me believed what I wanted to believe. It took me down a dark path which I have never wanted to go to again. That’s been a couple of years now, and I’ve never even been tempted.
Yes, the bullying is very damaging. Thank God that was before Facebook and the internet when it could have been worse. I think in my case, and likely many more cases, the more confidence the bully loses, the worse the bullying can become.
There was real nastiness at that school. I have never attended any of the reunions, and never will.
My older sister retired earlier than she planned from the public service. She made a claim of being bullied by her manager, and then claims of bullying and bad attitude was made against her. She denies that she had a bad attitude or bullied anyone, but as well as me, she used to taunt a few selected girls in her class at school.
I keep things polite and am nice, but I NEVER let my guard down with her. A lit of those school bullies never change.
My relationship with my mother, on nb the surface is okay, but she let me down badly over and over. I think partly because she came from an abuse background herself, but also she had children when she was very young, and couldn’t grow up herself.
Now she us a very frail old lady in a nursing home who has dementia. She calls me and tells me she loves me. I think she does. Fir whatever reason, she just couldn’t be there for me back then.
There is no point in carrying bitterness over my mother. She can’t even remember what happened earlier in the day. Doesn’t even remember some of our relatives.May 20, 2022 at 8:02 am #400746
You are welcome. It is a shame that this man, Geoff, didn’t change the course of your love life, I know that you really tried but he didn’t have the motivation to keep you in his life.
“Part of me believed what I wanted to believe… it took me down a dark path” – when our search for love (light) ends in darkness… it often happens when we close our eyes to who is this person we love so much; with closed eyes we imagine someone he is not.
“the more confidence the bully loses, the worse the bullying can become” – I suppose feeling confidence as a result of bullying is an emotional high that the bully wants to experience again and again.
“my mother… she let me down badly over and over…. For whatever reason, she just couldn’t be there for me back then” – it would have made a huge difference in your life if she was there for you back then, can you imagine?
Two evenings ago, in a social setting, I noticed that I felt differently than I felt before in social settings. Before, I felt like a child while others were the adults. I looked up to other adults as being … more than I am. Two evenings ago, I felt equal to everyone else. I didn’t feel like a lesser anymore.
And then, I thought: what if they think something negative about me, maybe they think that I am old and stupid, but there was no distress that I remember in these thoughts, thoughts that didn’t last long. Next, I thought: but even if I am old and lacking intelligence- I am still equal to everyone else. I looked around and saw the people who frequent the place, people I have seen for years: they looked different than before- they didn’t look powerful anymore (powerful and therefore able to hurt me at any time by a look, a word, by favoring someone else over me, etc.), they looked like… people, people like me.
I didn’t just think all of these things- I felt them. Imagine, I now say to myself, imagine feeling this way ever since I was young- how different my life would have been all these years?!
anitaMay 26, 2022 at 12:01 am #401196
That’s amazing Anita. What do you think brought the changes you felt about yourself.May 26, 2022 at 6:32 am #401201
Thank you for asking. It happened following a series of interactions with someone of whom I was afraid. At a certain point, I thoroughly understood that it was the fear I had of my mother, as a child and onward, that I projected into that person. And I no longer felt fear of that person.
Later, when in the irl social setting I mentioned, I suppose what happened was that I was no longer afraid of… the adults in the room (I suppose I was generally projecting my mother into all adults): they no longer looked threatening. I suppose it was my perception of their power to hurt me that made me feel sill like a child, inferior and fearful of the adults in my life (no matter many being younger than me).
I was in that same irl social setting yesterday and felt uncomfortable when interacting with a particular woman who hasn’t been there for a while, one who was angry at me months ago and who expressed her anger at me, a woman I happen to like very much. I suppose that interacting with her yesterday was challenging because I still wanted her to like me, still invested in it. If later I manage to understand this experience of yesterday better, I will post about it again.
Overall, peeling off my mother from other people is a very good thing for me.
anitaMay 26, 2022 at 3:08 pm #401243
That’s interesting Anita. I don’t know who, from my past, I am projecting into others because the bullying was rife through the family.May 26, 2022 at 6:49 pm #401245
It helped me to share about my experience with being bullied by my mother, as a child and onward. You can look at the last post I submitted on page 1 of this thread, and at the second post I submitted on page 2 of this thread. It is a form of journaling in the context of self-help. Maybe, just maybe it will help you too, to do something similar. Maybe it will help improve your physical health. You are welcome to try something like this here on my thread, or on your own thread.
anitaMay 28, 2022 at 3:41 am #401361
‘Victims of bullying tend to be physically smaller, more sensitive, unhappy, cautious, anxious, quiet, and withdrawn. They are sometimes characterized as passive or submissive. Possessing these qualities makes these individuals vulnerable, as they are seen as being less likely to retaliate…”
This was definitely the case with me.May 28, 2022 at 3:51 am #401362
One thing I am proud of myself for – in recent times, I reported verbal, mental and emotional bullying in the workplace by a supervisor and worker against a client with profound intellectual disability. So many people knew about it, and I’m not sure if anyone ever took a stand on it, but I did. If required, I will provide written and verbal testimony before the appropriate bodies of justice.
It appears that my actions have had a very strong result. The supervisor has been stood down, and various points of extremely poor (and illegal) work practices have been addressed. I am soon returning to that workplace.
I will continue to report any similar incidents should they arise. I am looking forward to seeing the client. I am told that he us currently experiencing behaviours suggesting heightened anxiety. I was developing good rapport with him and very good working relationship. I know he liked me a lot. I hope I can help make his life better. I will do what I can.May 28, 2022 at 8:33 am #401368
You included a quote in the first of your two recent posts as what was true in your case, having been a victim of bullying yourself: “Victims of bullying tend to be… passive or submissive… seen as less likely to retaliate”.
In your second post, you described how you, no longer passive or submissive, but active and forceful (a force for good)- you stood up to a bully in defense of a man who couldn’t defend himself. Reading this is Inspiring, thank you HoneyBlossom!
anitaMay 30, 2022 at 9:44 pm #401523
Hugs Anita. Thank you. I am waiting at doctor. Still quite unwell. Crying today. Maybe partly the illness makes one feel depressed. I have just felt such a failure at life.May 31, 2022 at 8:40 am #401534
I am so sorry that you felt ill and depressed 11 hours ago, when you posted the above. I know that you submitted a couple of positive, supportive posts to other members about 4 hours later, so I hope it means that you were feeling better 4 hours later? It is now close to 2 am where you’re at. I sure hope that you are sleeping restfully. Please let me know how you’re doing soon?!
anitaMay 31, 2022 at 5:28 pm #401553
It’s Wednesday 10:28 am in South East Australia, I believe. I hope you are feeling much better today!