Dear XenopusTex:

Then you have this in common: distrust of people. Now if you trust each other, make the exception…
I definitely would like you to be happy.

She wants to take with you, good. Keep your ears open, and let me know, if you will, what she tells you. We can combine our emotional intelligence here on your thread to understand and proceed.

anita

Dear XenopusTex:

Emotional Intelligence (EI)- I would like to keep the focus on this aim. Increasing your EI will benefit you greatly in every area of your life, and definitely in the personal relationship you are attempting now. So let’s keep the focus on it.

Your first paragraph, the feelings you expressed, what do they teach you? They teach me that you are a loving person, not with everyone, of course, and presently only with her, but still, it teaches me that you have it in you, being loving. You wrote: “.I just want to hold her in my arms and hug her and comfort her. Being with her brings a feeling of oneness, of deep caring about her wellbeing. It hurts to see her hurt.” This is indicating to me/ teaching me that you are capable of feeling Empathy (“It hurts to see her hurt”), that you care about another person’s well being, being motivated to benefit her well being, to comfort her.

This means to me that you have a whole lot to offer. You know from your personal life how rare these things are: empathy, sincere and complete interest in another person’s well being- you know that from your childhood experience followed by decades after that, from what you see in the courthouse and otherwise, in life. She experienced lack of empathy as well. And this is what people need more than anything: empathy, caring, comfort.

One theme that runs through your posts is your concern with competition, the statistics, the “other guys” and what you have to offer that is different or better. You wrote here: “Is this the chance to show her that I am not like all of the other rejects that have been in her life?”

This is what this chance can be about: you getting to know and accept the loving person that you are, understanding the priceless value of it. Love is rare so if you are loving to … you and to her, you will be the exception to all the other guys.

This is an opportunity to learn and to love-and-be-loved. Tell her a bit about how you feel about her, tell her in a self respectful way, in a mild way but truthfully, and see her response. Let her know in a mild way so to not overwhelm her (she is likely to jump to the wrong conclusions if triggered). You can let her know by simply repeating what she tells you now and then, so that she knows you HEARD her. You don’t even need to express your emotions, better not, show her by repeating, by letting her finish her sentences and then saying something to show you heard her. If in person, look at her with empathy and interest in what she says.

One step at a time. Protect yourself from possible manipulation by simply keeping your wallet to yourself, that is not financing her projects and such so to show your love. As long as you keep your wallet safe, you are safe to be as loving as you can be.

Does this make sense to you?

anita

I wish you luck…you seem like a genuine nice person and I have changed my initial reaction to you. Anita is giving you great advice and you seem open and empathetic.
Seaisland.

Dear XenopusTex:

I am thrilled! Good job with the empathy, keep at it. Do a lot of listening and from time to time repeat what she tells you in your own words or in a question form, something like: “So what you are saying is…

Show her that you are following what she is saying, ask when you are not clear, ask questions gently like someone who is trying to understand her thoughts, her feelings, her motivations.

This is way better than giving advice- if she doesn’t ask for advice, better not give any as a rule.

The way to her heart is through showing her that you understand her, that you heard her and you get her.

I am excited about the prospect of you having a dinner date with her. Let me know of new developments, I want this to work out.

anita

Dear XenopusTex:

It took that long because you were very hurt as a child and you shut down, naturally and understandably. This would be something that you, at one point, can share with her: your childhood, how it was and how it affected you. I thought about this after my last post to you: it is not enough to listen to her- this is most important, absolutely- but little by little, a bit at a time, you need to have her listen to you. It is necessary for her to feel empathy for you! Not only for you to feel empathy for her.

If you present yourself all the time as the strong one, that will come across as you not needing her, or as if you have no feelings, and that will take away from her trusting your empathy for her. She needs to know you are human too, that you struggled and struggle to.

It is her empathy for you (not pity, but empathy) that can grow into love. It has to start with empathy.

I am supposing it will be difficult for you to share about your childhood and struggles, this is why I am suggesting a bit at a time, then wait for her response. If she is responding empathetically to you, let her know how her empathetic response is helping you, how much it means to you. That way she will feel that she is making a difference in you- and that is part of the love I hope she develops for you, that very good-feeling belief that she means a good thing in your life.

Proceed with some caution, don’t get carried away with hopes and dreams but remain present and attentive. When you goof up, accept it- even share with her how that felt. If you do, that will make it more comfortable for her to goof up.

You are very welcome and keep posting.

anita

Dear XenopusTex:

Side note: thank you for your comment on the other thread about caffeine and anxiety!

This is disappointing to me (and to you, of course!)- just like that? Nothing happened between one good talking with her to the next no-hello? Just like that? Nothing in between?

If that is so, then you are dealing with an unstable, unreliable woman, emotionally at this time, at the least (if this is not more permanent on her part)- and there is nothing you can do. It’s like dealing with a person with ongoing amnesia- what you talked about, the meeting-of-the-mind you had just a day ago or so, evaporates into thin air like it never existed. Can’t build a relationship on random, to be forgotten interactions. For there to be a story, second paragraph has to follow first paragraph, sequence of events, a gradual development of intimacy.

Another analogy is you can’t draw a picture from dots unless you connect the dots, and all you can have with her is dots, isn’t it so?

How frustrating. Did you ask her why she is not saying hello? Something like: “Susan, what is wrong? Why are you not saying hello to me?”

anita