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Seeking Parental Approval

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  • December 3, 2017 at 8:14 am #180373
    Charlie
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

    I have been struggling with this for as long as I can remember, but it is suddenly affecting me so much more and making me feel so down. My parents are very opinionated, and when they give (unsolicited) opinions about anything that I do, I get overwhelmingly upset. My mother has always been very critical of me – from my weight to my marriage. For example, I have always been thin/slim, but if she thinks I’ve put on 5 extra pounds, she will comment on it. And if she thinks that I’ve lost 5 pounds, she will comment about how I have no curves. Regarding my marriage, if I tell her that I’ve gone out with friends, she will criticize me for not spending the entire weekend with my husband. My best friend, who I consider to be my brother, is a man, and she and my father believe that I’m cheating on my husband just by talking to him or spending time with him.

     

    My husband is pretty awesome, and none of this stuff that bothers my parents bothers him. I know that this criticism from my parents is more about them and their insecurities and judgments, so why does it bother me so much? Telling my parents how they make me feel never works. They get extremely defensive and basically call me too sensitive and spoiled. I’m almost 30 years old and have my own house, so why is this suddenly affecting me even more than it did when I was younger? I’ve been feeling so much more depressed about it lately than I have ever been. Any advice on how to deal with this would be so appreciated.

     

    I’ve always been a pretty good daughter to them. I never did anything behind their back, caused them to worry, became a lawyer at their insistence, I call them almost every night to say hello, etc. I don’t know why they never seem to be happy with me, and I don’t know why I care so much.

    December 3, 2017 at 8:56 am #180391
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Charlie:

    You care so much now about your parents’ criticism of you because you always cared, because children care a whole  lot about what  their parents think  of them. It is necessary for the child to be approved by the care taker  because being  disapproved of may mean not being  taken care of, so the child is desperate to be approved of and  will try very hard to be approved of.

    And so, as you were criticized as a child, you responded by trying to win your parents’ approval. The more they disapproved, the harder you tried. When we are disapproved of in childhood, we  enter adulthood still seeking that parental approval, still trying.

    Your parents, when they claim you are overly sensitive, forgot how they felt when disapproved by their parents. If they remembered, they would realize that a child is born to be  overly sensitive to their parents.

    You wrote that you care more now about their disapproval than you cared earlier in your adulthood. That could  be because you were more distracted then than you are now. It could  be that  you are  more distressed lately in another area, and that distress  triggers this distress.

    Regarding  what you can do? Nothing, really. You told them how you feel but they don’t care, so  it didn’t work. Trying  to tell them yet again  how it  bothers you will not help. Trying to  win their  approval will succeed as much  as it  did already.

    Better stop trying, if you can. Stop Seeking Parental Approval, if you can.

    anita

    December 3, 2017 at 9:12 am #180395
    Charlie
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita! You’ve helped me a while ago in the past, and you always shed so much light. Do you have any advice about how to stop getting so upset when they make random comments about something that you didn’t want an opinion on? I wish that I could just let those comments roll off of me, but they cut so deep. I know it has to do with my own insecurities. I’m usually very good about taking negative comments with a grain of salt, but with my parents, it’s different.

    December 4, 2017 at 7:25 am #180463
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Charlie/Charlotte:

    You asked for advice about “how to stop getting so upset when they make random comments”.

    When you posted about how upset you get when your husband tickles you (I hope he no longer does), I didn’t suggest that you continue to let him tickle you and stop being upset. I suggested that he must stop tickling you. When you posted that you were upset about your friend’s sister taking advantage of him, I did not suggest you stop being upset. I suggested that as long as he chooses her in his life, and following your input to him, that he stops telling you about her.

    And so, in line with previous advice, I am suggesting not that you stop reacting to your parents’ expressed disapproval and unsolicited opinions by not feeling upset (as impossible to do as you being okay with being tickled!).

    Instead I will suggest that you do not avail yourself to their disapproval. Don’t call them every night. Don’t call them at all.

    anita

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