Dear  Charlie:

You care so much now about your parents’ criticism of you because you always cared, because children care a whole  lot about what  their parents think  of them. It is necessary for the child to be approved by the care taker  because being  disapproved of may mean not being  taken care of, so the child is desperate to be approved of and  will try very hard to be approved of.

And so, as you were criticized as a child, you responded by trying to win your parents’ approval. The more they disapproved, the harder you tried. When we are disapproved of in childhood, we  enter adulthood still seeking that parental approval, still trying.

Your parents, when they claim you are overly sensitive, forgot how they felt when disapproved by their parents. If they remembered, they would realize that a child is born to be  overly sensitive to their parents.

You wrote that you care more now about their disapproval than you cared earlier in your adulthood. That could  be because you were more distracted then than you are now. It could  be that  you are  more distressed lately in another area, and that distress  triggers this distress.

Regarding  what you can do? Nothing, really. You told them how you feel but they don’t care, so  it didn’t work. Trying  to tell them yet again  how it  bothers you will not help. Trying to  win their  approval will succeed as much  as it  did already.

Better stop trying, if you can. Stop Seeking Parental Approval, if you can.

anita

Dear Charlie/Charlotte:

You asked for advice about “how to stop getting so upset when they make random comments”.

When you posted about how upset you get when your husband tickles you (I hope he no longer does), I didn’t suggest that you continue to let him tickle you and stop being upset. I suggested that he must stop tickling you. When you posted that you were upset about your friend’s sister taking advantage of him, I did not suggest you stop being upset. I suggested that as long as he chooses her in his life, and following your input to him, that he stops telling you about her.

And so, in line with previous advice, I am suggesting not that you stop reacting to your parents’ expressed disapproval and unsolicited opinions by not feeling upset (as impossible to do as you being okay with being tickled!).

Instead I will suggest that you do not avail yourself to their disapproval. Don’t call them every night. Don’t call them at all.

anita