Bellybutton,

You cant go back and change the past, and we certainly shouldn’t waste effort and stress worrying about things we cant or no longer can control. Our past and past behavior is what it is. We dont have to let it define who we are as people. We all have made mistakes in the past, and some things we never thought ourselves capable of doing. They made sense to us in the moment, and we have to be compassionate with ourselves that we are all capable of some crappy attitudes and behavior sometimes. Use your negative feelings about your past actions to motivate you, to rise above them. Make a vow you will never allow yourself to be that person ever again.

You said it yourself, your decisions were based in fear. Now that you know that, how will use this understanding moving forward? When you find yourself in a fearful situation, will you simply react, or think about what it is your are doing and consider the totality of the circumstances and consequences as you now know what some of them are?

As far as your ex is concerned, his resentment and anger is his problem. Its ok to be hurt and disappointed when someone hurts us. Eventually for ourselves we have to let that go and move on. Part of being human is having a capacity to be empathetic and understanding of anothers struggle. If he is unwilling to put himself and your shoes and to how you were feeling and what was going on for you. Then its for the best he is out of your life. You can never really win with these people. They will always internalize everything and it will always be all about them. Im sure he had his part in the demise of your relationship to, I also doubt he has accepted it and made his apologies to you for whatever it was.

A relationship is like a tennis court, you can only control and take responsibility for your side of the net, that’s just 50% of the court.

Apologizing is probably the last way to get someones forgiveness. If you really want his, you’re going to have to find a way to show him you’re sorry. It may not be in a conventional way either. For me, I realized the best thing I could do for my ex, is simply let him be. Let him live his life how he chooses and not expect much of anything from him anymore. I wanted to show him I could be understanding and respectful of his individuality. At this point this was the best way I found to do that. If they continue to hold onto the baggage from your relationship, then they are only hurting themselves, and allowing a ghost to negatively influence them. Its not you doing anything to him anymore, although he will probably continue to blame you. However, what he continues to feel moving forward is his choice.

Just focus on what you did, why you did it, and why you dont like it and dont want to do it again. Own it, improve upon it and move forward stronger and healthier and more self aware. Good luck.