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Self-esteem and Self-love

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  • December 23, 2015 at 5:21 pm #90466
    jock
    Participant

    Do you think these are the same? If you have high self-esteem, then you have high self-love?

    I think they are different.

    Self-esteem to me means how I rate myself; it can be high or low in different areas. For instance, my self-esteem at school was quite high in Rugby, Athletics, and most school subjects except Craft and Science. I had very low self-esteem in public speaking and talking to girls. In fact I was paralysed with fear in those areas.
    In the workplace over the years, I have shown a lack of self-esteem in many pragmatic areas; dealing with customers or at home fixing s leaky tap. In my mind, I say “Oh Jack can’t do that. he’s not good at that. He’d better not even try.”
    Language skills and artistic expression was more my forte and I still feel good about my ability in these areas. I have some confidence in communication with people who are close to me. This has improved since childhood.
    Now self-love. To me this means; Do I accept myself, warts and all, as a human being on this earth? Do I think I am a kind, thoughtful person who shows concern for self and others? Am I ethical? Do I have integrity? How honest am I? How courageous am I? Do I like my personality? Would I choose a friend similar to me and my personality?
    And the truth is my self-love has been more constant over the years, than my self-esteem. In my current situation, my self-esteem is down. Overweight and less optimistic about my career future. If I can somehow raise that self-esteem, my job prospects will improve. My self-love is deeper. I know deep down, I’m OK. I’m not essentially evil, although my behaviour can be irresponsible and immature at times. Oh and my lack of courage at times has been disappointing.
    If a bully confronts me, I will have immediate doubts about my competence, my ability to respond correctly or take the right steps. But my self-love is still there unchanged. A bully may make me feel I lack social skills for instance but they can’t make me feel I am a bad person. (unless they make me feel like I have no courage)At least that has been my experience. maybe it is different for some of you.
    Anyway I see it as important to differentiate the two terms.

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by jock.
    December 23, 2015 at 5:26 pm #90468
    jock
    Participant

    I would add that lack of courage, determination and persistence have been my weak points at various times over the years. In this regard then, I feel a lack of self-love, self-acceptance.

    December 23, 2015 at 8:36 pm #90488
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jack:

    I started reading this lovely thread but soon bedtime, so I will come back to it tomorrow morning.
    anita

    December 23, 2015 at 8:46 pm #90493
    jock
    Participant

    No worries. 11 hours to Christmas day here.

    December 24, 2015 at 6:32 am #90524
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi There,

    I agree that Self Esteem and Self Love are two different things ~ yet they are close cousins of one another! Without Self Esteem, the ACT of Self Love seems like something that comes out of a To Do list. And Self Esteem without Self Love sounds like someone who doesn’t know how to take care of herself and has trouble with boundaries (drinking too much, forgetting to shower, etc.)

    Animals don’t think of themselves at all. A cat is so secure in his cat-ness, that he doesn’t even think of it. And grooming himself is mandatory and instinctual!

    May we all embody our own unique dignity!

    Inky

    December 24, 2015 at 7:23 am #90531
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jack:

    Good insight into yourself and your interactions with others, I think. Let me see if I understand you: you see the term Self Esteem to mean how good you think you are, and how good in reality you are, in this and that… and that area. Self Love you see as whether you believe you are a good or bad person. You also see courage as a part of Self Love. Am I correct in understanding your post?

    If this is so, then you do not HAVE TO excel in every area so to gain (more?) self love. In fact it is impossible for any person to get at least a passing grade in every single area of life. But back to you: you don’t have to get a passing grade in public speaking so to love yourself and talking to girls, since you have a wife, well, that is a mute issue, isn’t it…

    So you can stop pursuing being good at everything and only pursue what you are already good at: language and art, communication with others, honesty, insight, wit… exercising those in your writings and communication with others. Let go, give up on some pursuits and be the best you already are. Like I wrote to you on another thread: what if you feel and act comfortable with being a “high strung hyena” (one of your hilarious expressions that keeps popping in my mind)?

    Regarding COURAGE, this is interesting, that you brought it up in this context of self love. No wonder you were attracted to the idea of being able to do public speaking: you want to be able to do what you are afraid of doing. Acting courageously feels good, it is part of love I think. It is when you stand up for yourself that you love yourself. Just like when you stand up for another, that is showing love for another. Courage is part of love, self love…

    Courage you can exercise not only in public speaking, you already exercised and practiced it here, on this forum, again and again, not only standing up for yourself or another when under attack, but you expressed yourself freely, often, without expressed concern to being disapproved of on this site. And you can as you do, exercise courage elsewhere in life. Make a habit of it every day, is my thinking. To myself, as well, of course. Things always come back to me.

    Love this thread, a good one, very good one, indeed!

    anita

    December 24, 2015 at 8:20 am #90538
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Correction: “talking to girls, since you have a wife, well, that is a mute issue, isn’t it…” Moot and mute I meant.

    December 24, 2015 at 2:24 pm #90546
    jock
    Participant

    I agree courage in life is the key for me and probably for everyone else. It is the things we refuse to face, which chase us all our lives. Awareness too. We have to be aware of what we are afraid of, in order to face it. I think when I was young, I didn’t even know what I was afraid of, such was my denial or repression.
    Thanks Anita. Nice post.
    I remember someone might have said on here once, “if someone says they love you, and they have no self-esteem, you won’t be able to feel it.” What an intriguing comment! I think my mother may be an example of this. Not that she had zero self-esteem, just very low. Shyness. Not one who would force her opinion on you or anyone. A lovely person really. She must have been a nice child herself. She was responsible but I sensed a lack of confidence from her, especially in other adults’ company. She would be more a passenger in a conversation with adults. Never the leader. But I did feel loved by both parents. I felt accepted for who I was. Just I would’ve liked more guidance, more confidence building, more encouragement. I feel like such a wonka, saying this now.
    In simple terms, self=esteem :” Am I good enough?”
    self-love “Am I loveable enough or “Am I lovebale?”
    So am I loveable?…Yes I am?
    Am I good enough?In some areas but often I feel not good enough. My work history seems to reinforce that I’m not good enough.

    December 24, 2015 at 5:37 pm #90550
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Loveable Jack:

    You describe your mother affectionately. She was timid, shy, unsure of herself. Not an angry woman, not one that abused you. She showed you love and you took it in. I SEE it in you, that innocent quality about you (No arguing, yes, innocent, says I!), this loving and loveable boy in you, indicating to me there was love there.

    A child needs more, a STRONG parent or parents, in addition to a loving parent, a strong one, one to rely on, to trust to be strong, to lead you, like a fawn follows the bigger stronger mother deer. So that was a deficiency in your childhood that explains to me some of the anxiety (ongoing fear/s), that and the bullying that you were not protected from.

    Yes, you are loveable. You were born so and I see it clearly.

    It is better that you see it though, all the time. Loveable when you are calm and loveable when you are afraid, when you are sad and when you are joyful, loveable here and there and all the time.

    Your lack of confidence, fears, the highly strung… the root cause of this is the lack of a strong parent and bullying brothers. No defect in Jack, nothing wrong with Jack. Weak parenting, that is all. Not bad. Just weak.

    I am suffering from heat sitting in front of the flaming fire in the wood stove. In this not snowy Christmas Eve.

    anita

    December 24, 2015 at 5:49 pm #90553
    jock
    Participant

    cheers anita
    your attention and time as usual, highly valued
    have a nice day

    December 24, 2015 at 5:51 pm #90554
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Night you mean, you too, oh the buffet is today, the seafood sounds great. Enjoy, it must be time. Do tell who it was when you are back here. Merry Christmas!
    anita

    December 24, 2015 at 5:51 pm #90556
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Correction: do tell how it was when you are back…?

    December 24, 2015 at 5:53 pm #90557
    jock
    Participant

    cheers anita

    December 25, 2015 at 1:46 pm #90585
    jock
    Participant

    Update
    Today Boxing Day 2015
    aim to increase both before Boxing Day 2016
    fasting a possible strategy

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