Hello,

This is two seperate occasions which led to my struggles. Its very personal and I am struggling deeply with feelings of self hate, blame and regret.

First of all I am 20 years old. Ive never been on a date (only ever 2 boyfriends who were long distance), no physical intimacy before. Im very shy and quite reserved.  I want to reserve all of this for someone who I love and am in a relationship with.

My cousin (who I am not related to but see as family, he is my stepdads, sisters son.) is the same age as me. We connected and became friends, and were grateful for each other. We were quite lonely so having someone to talk to especially being family meant a lot. It was his birthday and I invited him over so we could watch dramas, anime, play the nintendo switch and watch movies together. My parents were away for the night camping. Long story short, we ended up drinking quite a lot. I was borderline tipsy-drunk but still self aware. He however….was very..very drunk. He got very..touchy, kept complimenting me, saying gross things about me, hugging me (in an uncomfortable, somewhat intimate way) and kept kissing my cheek. (this is the first time anyone has touched me like this and is very uncomfortable for me). He talked about and asked me so many disgusting, rude, uncomfortable questions but me in my drunk state I just answered! Im so ashamed of myself…when Im drunk I will just accept anything that’s happening to me because I cant think straight. It was horrible……..He said so many gross things about me, and was so touchy…I remember as I was sobering up I was beginning to become scared and worried about what he might do. He was showing me nude pictures of past ex girlfriends and kept complimenting me on my body and things….He then proceeded to violently spew everywhere to which I had to clean up.  This is my cousin!!! Although not blood related someone who I saw as family and I feel so uncomfortable, ashamed and disgusted. I havent talked to him since. It was traumatising.

Not long after, a friend from work who is 37 years old (could be my father age lol) we went out to a restaurant together. We were quite close – as friends!! he has a wife (their situation is complicated) – but anyway, we are friends. I found comfort in him as I have always longed for an older brother and that is exactly what he was to me. I cant even remember everything that happened but whenever I do I panic and feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. We were so drunk…I remember I was so tired, I just wanted to sleep. He took me to a motel room while I was crazy drunk, i cant even remember getting there…and I fell asleep right away but, after when I woke up only an hour or so later…He wanted to…..have….sex…….Words cant describe how ashamed I am over myself because of that night. We didn’t go all the way and he didn’t…put it in…, (he kept trying but wasnt able to) but he still did everything else to me and I hate it. (for like 35-45 minutes I’d say? im sorry i cant go into detail. I cant handle the stress when I remember/think about it) I let him do it. He asked if he could do anything he wanted and I said yes…I was so drunk and tired I couldn’t think properly, I didn’t even really know what was going on. I just remember thinking, ‘hes my friend, so its okay’. He touched me everywhere and im so ashamed of myself. Whenever I remember everywhere he touched and the things he did to my body my anxiety becomes horrible, i freak out and start hyperventilating. It terrifies me and I feel so disgusted and ashamed of myself. Later he confessed that he loves me and wanted to be in a relationship…I was so upset. This person who is 37 years old…and my best friend who I saw as my older brother….the same situation happened as my cousin but worse.

These are my fault as I was drunk, and with the second instance I consented at the time. I am so ashamed of myself and feel so..disgusted. Im not the type of person to do these, even the thought of a kiss is an important moment to me to be shared with my significant other!! not to mention all the other physical things >< … My first time being touched and my first kiss was stolen in horrible ways.

Now im terrified of everyone I get close to, that they have an ulterior motive, that I cant trust them and I become so scared to be with them. Im now scared everyone at work sees me in a different way to what I was expecting and are going to try to do things to me. Im scared of making friends and going out with people in case something happens again. But mostly the hatred i feel for myself is so strong, im so ashamed of myself for allowing it. Its all my fault…

Please, I am not comfortable with seeking therapy at this stage which is why I am coming here. I would appreciate your thoughts/opinion and anything to comfort the turmoil I am in with these situations that recently happened. Writing this itself is making me feel absolutely horrible with my anxiety however I feel the need to get comfort and this is a big first step for me.