Thank you both, Anita and Mark, for your thoughtful advice and for the time you took to read my own thoughts.

Anita, yes–you are spot-on about the magical thinking.  That is something I have had difficulties with throughout my life, though I never knew the word for it: taking my thoughts as symbolic or meaningful.  In the end, thoughts are only thoughts, which has recently been my mantra most days!  And, in my experience, they oftentimes try to distract and control.  Furthermore, I can’t say I was deeply hurt as a child by my parents.  My father would scold me and spank me for doing something wrong, but those were actions he grew out of and now he is a very kind and compassionate person, one of the closest people I have in my life.  But I can say that I have had several break-ups, all that were very hard on me which may contribute to the relationship anxiety.  Thank you again for your advice.  I will definitely take time sitting with myself to really hear out the different parts of me that are asking for attention. xx

Mark, those are great suggestions for anxiety.  I have heard of many of them before and have implemented them into my life when experiencing anxiety.  I am trying to stabilize my mood… mostly just sitting with myself and hearing myself out are the tricks that are working best at this point.  But falling into it and not ignoring the anxiety is definitely crucial.  Also, my aforementioned father has a lot of experience with panic attacks and has gotten to a point within the last few years where he has completely cured himself from them, so he has shared his tips with me and I am following them.

On a similar subject, to either one of you, and neither of you may see this message (but I hope you do!  You both offered wonderful, heartfelt advice) but have you had any experiences with “spiritual awakenings”?  The last two months or so have been excruciatingly difficult both spiritually and mentally, though I can’t help but see the two as interconnected.  I was never sure if I believed in spiritual awakenings before, but with my experiences recently I may rethink that.  As I mentioned before, I have somewhat constant depersonalization and derealization which is very unsettling, which was likely to be spawned by the failed relationship I mentioned.  It is difficult to distance myself from the thoughts that ask (and I’m not sure if either one of you have experienced DP/DS before, but) “Is what I’m seeing with my eyes real?  Am I imagining everything?” etc.  They are overwhelming strong and persistent, not to mention unpleasant, and induce even more anxiety upon me.  However, I will make my mantra “thoughts are only thoughts” until I can make time to sit with myself and get to the bottom of what is causing the anxiety.  I feel quite distanced from reality.  I have sat with myself many times to feel like I acquired peace of mind, only to find myself needing to sit with myself another time, and another time.  I feel quite dissatisfied with life, too: my family, who I love and care about deeply, seem not to care as much as I care about them, which is something that particularly saddens me as they are my closest and dearest friends.  I know this is not true, though, as they do care about me immensely… I suppose what I’m trying to convey is I just don’t feel satisfied by them anymore, if that makes sense.  I am disappointed at times with my encounters with them.  Perhaps this is because they are a few states away from me at the moment, which is difficult when I hold them so dear to myself, and I’m not around them physically.  I just wonder sometimes why I am here when I am so sensitive.  I know there is a reason, but it is definitely difficult at times.  I once felt so much immense joy and pleasure with life–objects were glowing with liveliness, helping others was just a natural tendency, etc.  I have been very inward in these last few months and it has been quite trying, but I am sticking it out.  Recently, I was just lying on the floor, giving my spirit complete permission and granting it total freedom to do as it pleases.  I still feel kind of stuck though.  Do either of you have any experience with this?  Any suggestions?  Might the feelings of dissatisfaction with life be caused by letting go of anxiety/anxious thoughts?  Especially the highly anxious thoughts of DP/DS symptoms?  Maybe I’m partially answering my own question haha.   Anyways, would greatly appreciate your thoughts. xx

anita,

Thank you again for your thoughtful response.  I greatly appreciate your insights.  It is definitely possible that I have adopted that punishment-based philosophy as part of my own.  Also, I didn’t mention this before as we were discussing my relationships with my parents in the past, but I do feel that my relationship with my mother has always been draining on me.  I feel that she has quite a negative outlook on life, can be judgmental and doesn’t seem to care as much about me as I care about her.  However, I decided yesterday to refrain from contacting her to which I expect positive results.  Spending time with her and feeling that I was responsible to uphold the relationship just because she is my mother has been an area of difficulty in my life, but I am learning that I must set boundaries even when the choice is difficult.

How you explained depersonalization and derealization as states of intense anxiety does resemble how I thought of them in my mind.  I know in my heart that it is just intense anxiety, yet they feel so convincingly real and it makes it difficult to distinguish what I know from what I feel, if that makes sense.  The way you explained DP/DR does ease my mind a lot, still.  I just wonder what may be causing me to hurt so much–if it really could have just been that almost-relationship I was in, as that is the only thing that has been very painful as of late.  Also, world events have taken a significant toll on me, but I stopped looking at/caring about the news a few weeks ago.

Your explanation on DP/DR does provide comfort.  As I mentioned earlier, too, it helps me so much to remind myself that “thoughts are merely thoughts and nothing more.”  I have been resting a lot, too, and trying to take it easy.  I find that I have to talk myself through situations where anxiety/nervous thoughts begin to bubble up: “I am safe; nothing is going to hurt me; this is just anxiety talking, I can choose to ignore it,” etc.  And simply confronting the thoughts that frighten me has helped, too: “So what if I have thoughts questioning reality?  I’m not going to let those thoughts stop me from living life and enjoying it.  I am here, I have a life–I have a right to enjoy it.”  Doing these things has helped me a lot.  And remembering that it wasn’t always like this.  Still, I do miss that feeling of being absolutely present, that feeling of freshness and vibrancy.

I would greatly appreciate hearing any more thoughts you might have.

~steph

anita,

Thank you again for your contributions.  I took a lot of time expressing myself through typing as, once I started, more and more bubbled up.  Some of it is personal and I am not quite comfortable sharing it publicly on these forums.  If you are comfortable, you can e-mail me at godspdst @ gmail . com (without the spaces) and we can continue our discussion.  If you are not, I’ll write a shorter, less personal reply here.  Either way is fine.

steph

anita,

Sure, that definitely works for me.  I will just share some general information and what I feel comfortable sharing.  So:

The first thing that comes to mind: With my relationship with my mother… I didn’t quite have a healthy one.  My parents got divorced when I was eight or nine, and I mostly lived with my mother from that age until I was about 14.  She wasn’t around very much and extra difficulty was introduced when I was expected to take care of one of my younger brothers who had/s cerebral palsy and is in a wheelchair.  I took responsibility often among my other siblings because my brother’s twin was usually with his friends as was my older sister.  The only times I really saw my mother were in the morning very briefly, but usually she was gone and I had to make my own breakfast; and after school (this was in middle school) when we would see each other briefly yet again and she’d go somewhere or go do something.  We would go out sometimes, but we never really did things kids would want to do.  Usually, it was just running errands for her or going to a class for singing or gymnastics or something.  She still isn’t very involved in my life despite my efforts to explain how I would like her to be more involved, and she has never understood that she abandoned us kids in a lot of ways.  She explains that she was just looking out for herself so she could pay the bills.

That is the main thing that comes to mind.  Fortunately, I’ve been able to have healthy conversations expressing the hurt I felt as a child with my father.  He understands the times he especially hurt me and has taken to hearing me out to express my feelings.  He has apologized for these times and, as I said, is kind and caring now, allowing me freedom to be myself and discover things on my own.

steph