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self sabotage

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  • #125952
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hey guys!
    I have a question for you.
    When things are going well I get overwhelmingly anxious, like something bad is going to happen IMMEDIATELY or Im going to be punished somehow. The thought “how do I make this good stuff last, I must not mess it up” starts playing through my head at such a furious pace I get a headache. I also become paranoid that Im going to say something thats going to offend everyone when relationships are going well. I end up self sabotaging because I find the anxiety that accompanies good stuff happening harder to deal with than the pain of bad stuff happening.
    I would love some advice or guidance!

    #125961
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi greenshade,

    Last year I did a lot of praying about a certain I-S-S-U-E which was post worthy in its own right. Then my prayer was answered in such a phenomenal way that I got extremely paranoid that it would all be taken away. When you’re not used to things going well and suddenly it does it can do a number on you.

    Time is the natural remedy. Bask in your blessings and be content.

    Best,

    Inky

    #125967
    Celestial Bliss
    Participant

    Hi Greenshade, You are not alone with your feelings. Many people feel anxious when things are going well because they are so afraid that this feeling wont or can’t last. We end up worrying about the future and attaching past events or experiences on it that reconfirms to us that it can’t or won’t last. And as you said, we end up sabotaging the outcome ourselves because of our behaviour or worries we attach to the situation. This usually stems from the fact that we find hard to accept change and endings. We are so afraid of endings that we do anything we can to try and hold on to certain situations in our lives. The thing about this is that no matter what we do, or how hard we try, things will always change and have some sort of ending. It is the natural process of life, and we can’t fight against it. We just need to realise that change and endings are not always bad. For example, the world would have no seasons if there were no change or endings. There would be no endings to problems, grief or pain. Changing our thoughts from fighting it to acceptance will greatly help the way you view situations in your life. Of course, I am not saying that everything will end quickly or badly. We don’t know what the future will bring so attaching our fears onto it, only puts us into a negative state and makes us worry and not be able to enjoy what it is that we are afraid of losing. And worse, sabotages the very thing we are trying to hold on to.

    Who’s to say that your thoughts or feelings about something will stay the same in months to come? We seem to attach fears onto outcomes in the future when they may not even happen at all. And who’s to say that it won’t be our thoughts and feelings about the situation that will change, not the other persons or situation. How often have you feared an outcome so severely that it kept you awake all night, merely to find out that it was’t half as bad as you thought it would be or didn’t even happen? One of my favourite quotes is from a man called Bob Twain. He said “My life has been filled with terrible tragedies, most of which never happened”. He is basically stating that we always fear the worst and most of the time these things we fear, never even happen or are not as bad as we have been fearing.

    Try and learn to be in the moment. Meditation is a great way to do this. If meditation isn’t your thing, there are many other ways that you can practice being in the moment instead of living in the past or future. Google “how to be in the present moment.” Mindfulness is an amazing way to achieve this. It will greatly help you appreciate what you are experiencing in the present. It will also enhance your feelings of joy and gratitude about the situation and life in general.

    I am a Mindfulness/Life Coach (amongst other things) and will be happy to help you, free of charge if it was something you wanted.
    You can contact me on:
    Email: trucolours@hotmail.co.uk
    Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TruHigherVibeLiving
    Instagram: Trucolours_on_insta

    I wish you all the best in your journey.

    Natalie

    #125971
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear greenshade:

    As a child, I used to be punished for feeling good. My mother “rained on my parade” if I forgot to feel bad at any one time. So I learned that feeling good, or forgetting to feel bad will bring about trouble for me.

    Can you relate to my experience in any way?

    anita

    #126020
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hey inky, natalie, and anita thanks for replying!

    Anita, yes I do relate to your experience sort of. Any change, good or bad, or any event at all could trigger a manic episode for my dad. So if I had schools exams they would trigger it, my birthday would trigger it, and he was most abusive during manic episodes so I dreaded any life event or change in routine . He was also very obsessive, so if I went to say a friends house he would call constantly, keep asking me what time I would be back, would give my mum a really hard time while I was out, mostly “why did you let her go, ask her to come back” just on repeat for hours on end. so I was always in trouble when I got back home even thou I rarely went out,came home before dinner, and my friends were all very clean cut. After a certain point I accepted that if went and had fun at my friends house I would have to pay for it when I got back home.

    #126053
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear greenshade:

    Fitting your original post here with the second:

    “When things are going well I get overwhelmingly anxious, like something bad is going to happen IMMEDIATELY or Im going to be punished somehow”- the punishment is your father’s response when you came back from friends. So at one point you connected having fun with friends/having a good time/ feeling good with punishment.

    “The thought ‘how do I make this good stuff last, I must not mess it up’ starts playing through my head at such a furious pace I get a headache”- as a child you took responsibility for your father’s behavior. You didn’t know or understand manic behavior, mental illnesses and all that. As a child you figured you must have done something wrong. This is why you think “I must not mess it up”- as if it was you messing it up, not him.

    “I also become paranoid that Im going to say something thats going to offend everyone when relationships are going well.”- again, as a child you took responsibility for your father’s behavior. You carry that false responsibility to the present, thinking it was you who offended your father (it was not!) and it is you who will offend others.

    “I end up self sabotaging because I find the anxiety that accompanies good stuff happening harder to deal with than the pain of bad stuff happening.”- that makes sense, ending escalating anxiety by resolving the situation quickly.

    anita

    #126170
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hi anita!
    What would be a way to deal with this? I am starting to understand where my behaviors are stemming from, but it becomes very frustrating when I still act in a way that is not beneficial for me. Does it get better over time and I should just learn to accept that this is how I will deal with situations for now?
    Lov,
    m

    #126178
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear greenshade:

    Changing behavior for the better does not “get better over time” (quote from above)- it gets better over time AND practice of new behavior. Accept that this is your tendency, to self sabotage, then notice when it is happening and instead of proceeding to sabotage, intentionally and mindfully practice a none-sabotaging behavior, one step at a time. It will feel strange, as in going against your gain (and it is, because the tendency is strong). This is why time AND practice is required.

    anita

    #126272
    greenshade
    Participant

    Thank you Anita!

    #126277
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, greenshade!
    anita

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