October 13, 2017 at 6:24 am #172997
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post. I'm at the stage in my life where I love my home life but I'm very unsettled in my work life. Ive put it down to the autumn weather and change of students. I work in a very small education centre. Small team and a small number of students. Normally I'm quite settled and feel as though I'm teaching and supporting my students well. Making a difference.
However one my students left in the summer as they need to do and are suppose to do. Its has left a whole and while the other students are learning from me and I am making a difference. I feel kind of empty.
I have looked at joining the police, prison service and looking at being a senco (head of special needs). Just I can't seem to find out what this feeling is as to why there's a large hole! Normally as one child goes another comes in and the cycle begins again.
I just feel as though I'm mum, wife and teacher but I'm not feeling the joy and wonder that I use to feel.
I have been under a lot of pressure the last year or so as had a house sale that took forever and more importantly my dad was having treatment for a horrid disease. We are still awaiting the all clear, my beloved tortoise died too.
I just feel empty on the work front and I'm finding it hard to fill the void!
Any ideas as to what this is or why? I am not detached at all but I'm also like let it go!!!!!!! for what? The only parts that are making sense is home. My escape from the work once all are in bad are Christmas movies. Sorry if this is a long and random post. Any ideasOctober 13, 2017 at 6:26 am #172999
Home is great and I adore being a mum and being a wife. The work thing is feeling empty! and driving me crazyOctober 13, 2017 at 10:27 am #173043
I can certainly relate you your experience. I have a good job and work with good people but at the start of each day I feel empty and it’s an act of will to get started. In my case I think the nagging something I feel comes from the thought/intuition that I’m not doing the work I ought to be doing… That there is something I’m missing… probably relational. Only I don’t know what it is that I can do about it.
You said “I just feel as though I’m mum, wife and teacher but I’m not feeling the joy and wonder that I use to feel.”
I’ve been reading ‘The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself’ by Michael A. Singer. Michael suggest contemplating on the question ‘who am I’. As you do so he takes you down that road to discover you are not what you do, and more then that you are not your thoughts, mind, body, feelings, memories or experiences… The Self, capital S, is the ‘I’ that is conscious. You are not Mum, teacher, wife but the I that observes the experience of mum, teacher, wife… you are not your thoughts but the I that observes thoughts…
At first, I thought that what Michael was suggesting was at best semantics, however, I started the practice of reminding myself that ‘I am not the experience – I am the I that is observing the experience’. What I am finding is that doing so has allowed me to create some space to detach from the experience and the anxiety I was feeling. It’s a subtle change of perspective which I trust will eventually lead me to observing what lies behind that nagging something that I’m missing – not observingOctober 13, 2017 at 10:39 am #173045
As to why you feel empty at work- it could be the emptiness regarding your father's illness and the death of your tortoise, the emptiness left when an object of your attachment dies or could soon die, that got triggered when a student left the center. The latter event at work triggered the other two events and as a result, felt more intensely than before (when other students left).
October 13, 2017 at 3:28 pm #173081
- This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by anita.
Thank you Peter and Anita both your responses have given me food for thought. I have been thinking and yes their has been alot of loss.
The thing is I have over the years had alot of losses. In a variety of ways. I just don't why it would send me off balance.October 14, 2017 at 9:34 am #173123
You wrote that over the years you had a lot of loses, so you don't understand why the recent loses affect you more intensely now. Did I understand correctly?
If so, would you like to share about those lots of loses over the years?
anitaOctober 14, 2017 at 10:01 am #173125
The losses have been varied the first loss I remember was aunt who died overseas in Canada, then my nana, gran. Various other family members. I lost my rabbit when I was 13 killed by two dogs, my cousin was murdered by her dad. Then I lost my best friend he died in a accident nearly ten years ago. Then I lost my tortoise George.
I've had a house that I've had to fight for. Relationship I had to walk away from. Jobs I had to fight in and for.
My husband and my little girl are the positives. My family parents and brother are great. Dad I am still worried about which is normal.
As you can I've had a variety of experiences. So this recent feeling is odd. Hope this makes sense. I am coming up to ten years of the loss of my best friend but I firmly see the blessing in the time we had together. All out there now xOctober 14, 2017 at 10:35 am #173127
Some of the losses you experienced have been greater than others. If you didn't have a close relationship with the aunt who lived overseas, and if you were not present in her life or death, than that loss would not have been as great as perhaps losing your rabbit who was present in your life, especially if you were present at her killing by the dogs.
Regarding why the recent losses feel more intensely than previous ones, why you feel the emptiness you do at work: how we feel is a result of many factors. You mentioned the autumn weather, that is one factor. You mentioned the recent house sale, that is another factor. That last one maybe exhausted you and you are very tired. Being tired is a powerful factor in how we feel. We feel empty when tired, empty of energy. Without much energy we tend to feel well, powerless, weak.
Then what we tell ourselves when feeling empty makes a difference. If you tell yourself something like: there must be something terribly wrong with my life, or my mind, these thoughts lead to more distressing feelings.
It is probably a combination of factors that explain why you feel more empty now than before, at work. The recent student that moved on was not the same as students before him. Maybe there was a special connection between that student and you. The weather, your physical and emotional exhaustion, the latter, I am thinking, is most powerful. Maybe what you need most is to rest, to sleep more, refresh yourself.
anitaOctober 14, 2017 at 11:30 am #173133
Thank you Anita for that. I do need sleep and to rest. As for the what next…. I'm exploring different options. I guess I need to take one day at a time x remember that tomorrow is another dayOctober 14, 2017 at 11:36 am #173137
You are welcome. I think it is sleep that you need mostly, night after night for a while, and take one day at a time.
anitaOctober 15, 2017 at 8:26 am #173217
Anita I know my sleep pattern is poor and to be honest it has been for a while. Longer then i care to admit. I love to read a good uplifting book and have a soak in the bath. However, I am really bad at just being i am constantly thinking what i need to do (have to do)! I think maybe i need to address this balance too and let go of things I no longer need (emotional, mental and Physical clutter).
Sorry my mind just happened to wander and then it was out here! I guess I'm using the sight to help me be still and move forward in other areas.
Thanks again Anita xOctober 15, 2017 at 8:44 am #173223
You are welcome. Yes, “emotional, mental and physical clutter” will push that “Sense of purpose” (title of your thread) out of sight. Better remove excess, simplify, minimize and that sense of purpose will reappear.
October 18, 2017 at 2:19 pm #173791
- This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by anita.
Just thought I'd share. I had my tooth out today. Went to the shop for painkillers and I saw the pupil that left in summer. He did say hello. I was able to talk to him. The piece that was missing was renewed in me. I am so pleased to have seen him. To know he's ok and is enjoying college. He said hello to meOctober 19, 2017 at 9:08 am #173867
Good you were pleased to see your former student. Hope you rest well and continue to feel renewed.