December 10, 2016 at 9:52 am #122406
Keep in mind that I'm not one of those clingy girls who waits around for a boyfriend. I've done that junk in my teenage years. One of my friends online asked if I would not give guys a chance, but it's not about that at all. Some people find love and are lucky to have it. People like me need something different. Mother Teresa and Jesus Chris were single people, and they still have a huge impact on our world. If anything, I am done obsessing about my marital status. I resent how society makes you feel like an outcast just because you're not in a relationship. My brother is in his 30s and he has never had a girlfriend, plus he's someone that is nice. Currently, there is someone, but he lives in another country, just like my former crush. So it's settled. I'll be single forever and that will be the last time I talk about my marital status.December 10, 2016 at 10:06 am #122407
Dear Aiyana Henderson:
You answered your own question: “Should I accept being single forever at age 23?”
“So it's settled. I'll be single forever.”
You are as worthy being single as you would have been being married.
anitaDecember 10, 2016 at 10:11 am #122409
Make your own choice when it comes to relationships. I personally believe being single has far less consequences than being in a relationship just for the sake of it. Don't let anyone tell you what to do.December 10, 2016 at 10:13 am #122410
Idk if I'll ever get married Anita. Sometimes I think about my relationship status way too much. I have to be my own person before getting involved with anyone. I've had crushes on guys, but never a boyfriend. It's not just due to my Aspergers, but also from being in college, graduating college, finding a job, I still live with the parents, and I don't hang out with people my age often.December 10, 2016 at 10:19 am #122411
@ellenbaker, I can see that. I have the belief that there are pros and cons to both sides. Being Single means you have your freedom, but you never have someone to come home to. Meanwhile, in a relationship, you love the person now, but then you won't be able to stand them due to all of their flaws. What makes my situation unique is of course my autism. It's not my whole identity, but it is a part of who I am. Not all guys will know what it is, how it affects my life, etc.December 10, 2016 at 11:04 am #122413
People nowadays put too much emphasis on their relationship status. Relationships are fragile and very few last a lifetime, so it's best to enjoy spending time with the one person who will stay with you forever…yourself.
Also, not having a partner at 23 isn't the end of the world. If you ever want a partner, you'll find one eventually. Your life doesn't end once you become “too old” for something. Too many people think this and things just spiral into disaster. I've seen it with my own eyes.
Take your time if you want a relationship. My best advice is to be patient and go slowly with whatever you want to do. Get a job, find stability in your life, and not worry too much if people insist you need a boyfriend or something. Live life the way it is comfortable for you, not for other people. 🙂
Best of luck.December 10, 2016 at 11:09 am #122414
Thanks Ellen. It's all about taking it one day at a time.December 11, 2016 at 2:45 pm #122463
Age of 23 is way too young to say that you'll be single forever simply because you can't find the one for you or simply because you don't have a partner or dating anyone at the moment. Some people are destined to be single and yet happy. Many are destined to have a partner/espouse and children – a happy family of their own. I don't know you and everything all depends on what your character is, your likes, your personality, your past and present. What is your motivation? What is your dream? Your goal in life? If you don't know yet, then, free to explore life. Meet new friends. Travel. Take courage to broaden your horizon. Take a plunge to volunteer. Maybe along the way, you'll find the one for you, who knows? Having said that, my simple advice is…don't stress too much about it.December 12, 2016 at 4:02 am #122497
Hey Jaydee. Right now, my motivation is tied between being a self published author, and having a job to support myself. I know it sounds irrational to another person, but I'm doing this for myself. I can't cling onto other people to be happy. That screams insecurity. Like I said before, I'm done obsessing about whether I should be dating or not.
This isn't just for personal reasons, it also involves my safety, and human nature in general. Politically, (don't worry, I won't talk too much about that), America made the great decision (I'm being sarcastic now) of choosing a bigoted reality star to run our country. I'm not going to risk my life if I find out someone voted for this guy. My closest mentor, who was someone I trusted, voted for this guy and I cut off contact with her.
Why bother falling in love if people just torture each other? Someone always has baggage, an ex, or some perceived fear that this relationship won't work. On top of that, we put way too much emphasis on getting married/staying with this person.
Don't mean to rant, but these are the topics that have been bothering me for a while. To answer your other questions, my dream is to still be a novelist, tied into my goal of moving out of my parents house. Due to the autism, I still have to teach myself life skills that people take for granted. I'm sorry if I sound bitter. It's not my intention; I just feel a little frustrated.December 12, 2016 at 8:44 am #122510
I relate to your disappointment in human nature especially as revealed though the lens of ‘America's great decision”
“Should I accept being single forever?”
In my opinion there are times in our lives where we are called to accept that a goal, dream, hope… has passed us by. Circumstance, fate, nature, nurture, choice all play there parts. Knowing when that time has past requires wisdom and discernment. My observations is that we get it wrong more often then right.
“Should I accept being single?” Yes. Strong relationships start with an individual knowing and accepting who they are as an individual. An individual capable of pulling back and owning their ‘projections’ we place on others. The irony being that it is most often through the crucible of relationship that we discover/know who we are.
If I have any suggestions lose the word ‘forever’ as you do not want to limit your experiences due to stubbornness.
After being hurt by others as a 10 year old boy I remember sitting alone in a playground making a vow that I would never get married and let others close enough where they could hurt me. I have so far lived out that vow even though my dream is to have an authentic personal relationship. The result is that I live in constant tension between fear and hope… I don’t recommend it. I am a very lonely and regardless of my walls still end up hurt anyway, maybe even more so because of them.
We create what we fear and live out the stories we tell ourselves until one day the stories write us. I told myself a very foolish story at a time when I was lost and hurt… and now the story writes me. You think at any time you can write a better story, and you can, but you don’t. Stories have deep roots.
Words have power. Don’t make the same mistake I made. Forever is a terrible word.
How to Be an Adult in Love – Letting love in Safely and Showing it Recklessly by David Richo
“The foundation of adult trust is not “You will never hurt me.” It is “I trust myself with whatever you do.”
“The more invested I am in my own ideas about reality, the more those experiences will feel like victimization's rather than the ups and downs of relating. Actually, I believe that the less I conceptualize things that way, the more likely it is that people will want to stay by me, because they will not feel burdened, consciously or unconsciously, by my projections, judgments, entitlements, or unrealistic expectations.”
We were made to love and be loved. Loving ourselves and others is in our genetic code. It’s nothing other than the purpose of our lives—but knowing that doesn’t make it easy to do. We find it a challenge to love ourselves. We might have a hard time letting love in from others: recognizing it, accepting it. We’re often afraid of getting hurt. It is also sometimes scary for us to share love with those around us and love that isn’t shared leaves us feeling flat and unfulfilled. We explore ways to love ourselves without guilt and with generosity. We learn how to love others with awareness of our boundaries. We confront our fears of love and loving. We embrace the spiritual challenge of letting our scope of love expand.” —
December 12, 2016 at 9:58 am #122517
- This reply was modified 10 months, 2 weeks ago by Peter.
Hey ,Peter. I meditated for a few moments before I could reply to you. Your last two paragraphs about letting fear tell our stories kind of hit home for me. Did I mention that I'm a recovering perfectionist? Because I am. Part of me wants what everyone else has, but I hold myself back because I don't want my heart broken. People leave. Maybe I should try to be optimistic. I like to think of myself as a person who looks at the glass half full. But it's true. There have been times when I seriously wanted a relationship. I want to experience those moments of spending time with someone you love, a person who can still accept you , even when you think you're not good enough. I love having family and friends, but I also want that romantic love everyone talks about. Perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I have to limit forever out of my vocabulary, and throw caution to the wind. PS, I'll also read that book you wrote in blue font. Thanks! 😉December 12, 2016 at 12:23 pm #122534
As mentioned I very much relate to what your saying.
Sometimes I feel as if the hole I dug for myself is just to deep to get out of.
I wish I had read the books such as David Richo when I was in my twenties however I suspect I would not have had the experience to understand them at the time. Sadly “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” – Soren Kierkegaard
I worry at 50 that I've learned the lessons to late and spend to much time mourning the future that might never be.
“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you'll never have.” – Kierkegaard
I don't have any magical words of advice however I see a lot of myself in your posts so maybe can act as a warning.
Always remain open to possibility its the only way something wonderfully unexpected can happen.
I think Joseph Campbell said it best
“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.”
I believe, no am certain, that Joseph statement to true. I have so far been unable to put into practice what I know and so turn it to wisdom… but I guess I still hope, I think. I'm actually not sure anymore.
Follow your passion for writing, without labels and judgments of how that should look, and my feeling is that the life that is waiting for you will be amazing.
We must work for that which no work is required. do by not doing.December 14, 2016 at 2:33 am #122664
Hi Aiyana Henderson,
Could you please take a look at this post to see if it is of help.
VJDecember 15, 2016 at 7:52 am #122771
Hey everyone, I apologize if I worried some of you. I can't keep going back and forth on this topic. I've realized that I am deserving of love, regardless of my circumstances. And I'm not just saying that. It's the truth. The thing is, my heart was given away to someone a long time ago. I still care about him, but we can never be together. He's famous and I'm not. We come from completely different worlds. I've had to realize that I was like a lot of girls who want to be with this man. But I've accepted the facts.
If anything, he would want me to move on and find someone else. I don't expect to fall in love immediately, but I hope that it happens eventually. I'm worthy of love for myself and others. I won't keep any walls up either. I've done that for too long. Thank you all for your advice, but I'm ready to fall in love.December 15, 2016 at 8:44 am #122778
Good to know that you have clarity about what you want. All the best to you 🙂