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Should I be with her?

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • May 28, 2016 at 12:47 am #105826
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi,

    I am going through the most confusing relationship of my life. I have to make a decision about long distance relationship. I met this girl in my city a year back just two days before she was shifting to another city. I don’t know how we got into long distance relationship, but clearly I was struggling because I tend to get detached very easily in a relationship and the feeling of ‘missing you’ became gloomy.

    I wanted to stop the relationship within 4 months but she was going through a rough patch (her grandfather passed away, then her father was seriously ill) so I decided to stick with her and not leave her when she needed emotional support. This went on for 3 more months after which she was convinced that I am the ‘one’ whereas I started growing a little impatient. After 8 months into the relationship, she said she wants to marry me (We still hadnt done anything physical in 8 months!! CRAZYY!). If I was impatient before, this time I became scared and in anxiety broke up with her on 15th Feb (My bad! and I got labelled as Assh***). She has done everything to make this relationship work and I on the other hand havn’t even moved a muscle since feb. Its May now and between Feb and May we have broken up so many times that I don’t even remember why I am breaking up with her.

    She is a great person and all my friends love her. When we meet, I love being around her but its more like a honeymoon as we get to meet once in 2 months. Two days back I broke up with her for good. I don’t miss her but I am not happy either. I am feeling guilty for giving up on her so easily, without a fight, without making things work, I feel like I have wronged someone and left her behind and shattered. She had lot of hopes from me and I let her down. I am 30 and I dont have anyone or anything to look forward to right now. I just have 2-3 more days before the ship sails and she is gone for good.

    I do know that she will be there for me through thick and thin for the rest of my life(I can bet my life on the that).

    What should I do?

    Thanks for hearing me out!

    May 28, 2016 at 1:39 am #105828
    Aakash
    Participant

    Hi Shikhar,

    When you had grownup in the world where you were taught respecting women, you will always be in a situation where you are now.. But as you say ” I don’t miss her but I am not happy either ” means that there is a lot of meaning for that girl in your life which you dont want yourself to agree.

    If She had done something really hard to save the relationship, if she understands you completely, and you also feel- being with her makes you happy or tension free then she is the one you should not let go…

    Be with Her !! and be a man, don’t get confused between short time attraction (which will intend you to get something from her in few meeting i.e physical only) and Love.

    Cheers !!
    Aakash’s

    May 28, 2016 at 3:04 am #105829
    Adam P
    Participant

    Shikhar,

    The answer lies within the question. “She had high hopes for me and I let her down. I am 30 and I don’t have anyone or anything to look forward to.”
    Only you let yourself down, not her. The fact that you state you have no one or nothing greatly pushes her away. How can she be there for you when YOU are not there for YOU.

    Thank you and take care
    -85

    May 28, 2016 at 4:31 am #105833
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Shikhar,

    Long distance relationships are hard, I’m not going to lie. I say Break up with her (this time for real). Or, conversely, keep it casual and have fun when you do see each other without any expectations. You want to move on even though there is no one else ~ not a good sign! And in her eyes you are The One. Also not good.

    It’s too much and not enough.

    Just my opine!

    Inky

    May 28, 2016 at 10:09 pm #105889
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you everyone for your reply.

    @Akaash: I understand what you are trying to say.

    @Adam    : Yeah, I did realise that I pushed away my goals, stopped working on them and wasnt there for myself. Thank you!

    @Inky    : Thank you for your message. The long distance was straining me and I couldn’t focus on what i wanted in life. It was very difficult for me to commit to her within 6-7 months of long distance, while clearly wanting to move to another country for career.

    May 29, 2016 at 8:29 am #105895
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear shikhar:

    She had high hopes for a relationship with you: her hopes are not a good enough reason for you to have a relationship with her.

    You are alone or lonely: that too, is not a good enough reason for you to have a relationship with her. Neither is your age.

    Let your Yes be yes and your No be no. All you can do to be decent is to discourage her hopes by saying your No. If you are on the fence, between yes and no, please do post again with maybe.. a list of pros and cons to a relationship with her…?

    anita

    May 31, 2016 at 2:30 am #106052
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    @ anita: Thank you for your response.

    Pros:
    – She loves me
    – Career oriented, ambitious and smart: definitely fits in my social circle
    – Supportive and optimistic
    – Give me space (it was a long distance relationship, she didn’t have an option)
    – Trustworthy ( she never lies, I can blindly trust her)
    – Low emotional baggage
    – Fun to be with

    Cons:
    – We are completely opposite (zero common interest, I didn’t have anything common to talk to her)
    – Opposite family values ( I would find it hard to fit in to her family)
    – Lack of life experiences (initially found her very boring)
    – She is a single child and wants to be around her family, whereas my family has moved to US, so I would want to be with my family (She says she can’t plan for what will happen 10 years down the line)
    – I was with her because of the fear that I might not meet anyone like her rather than to be with her. Sometimes I used find it unnatural to say ‘I love you’

    May 31, 2016 at 7:36 am #106057
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear shikhar:

    So you are on the fence and need to make a decision, a Yes or No decision. As I read your list of Pros I thouht to myself (imagining I was you): Yes, Yes, Yes!: being trustworthy- priceless, low emotional baggage- rare. Supportive and optimistic- a blessing!

    Regarding your list of Cons: seems like in the beginning she was boring for you to be with but then she turned to be “Fun to be with”- so that changed over time. Regarding interests, that can change as well, so there is one or two that are common interests (she gets interested in someting new to her or you get interested in something new to you, or both).

    Regarding living close to one’s family: are you living in the U.S? Where are you currently living and where is she currently living? You wrote that she can’t plan for 10 years down the line, but what are her thoughts about where to live if the two of you live together in a year or so?

    If living with you requires she lives away from her family, how close is she to her family? Living with them? Daily contact?

    I am also wondering what is your experience with your family? Are you as close with them as she is with hers? And are you carrying emotional baggage from your childhood?

    Asking in hope to get better understanding and be of some help to you getting off the fence and choosing your Yay or Nay.

    anita

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