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Should I believe in his ability to change?

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  • January 6, 2015 at 11:34 pm #70749
    Jennifer
    Participant

    Hi everyone. I’ve only just stumbled upon this community, but it has already shown itself to be a wonderful and supportive place, so I thought I’d put this out there…

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. He is older than I am (he’s in his mid-thirties, I’m mid twenties) and I’ve known for a long time that he considers me to be THE ONE. I on the other hand was never quite sure, mostly due to his high levels of anger and frustration. The first time we ever fought, I ended up crying, and rather than comforting me he was very cold. It frightened me. He seemed to lack all sympathy at seeing me, the supposed love of his life, breaking down over something he did. We talked, he sort of apologized, and we moved on.

    Fast forward, and we have had a series of severe fights where he has been verbally abusive. He has never physically hurt me, but will scream in my face with a barrage of insults and curse words. There have been three incidents of this. After the second, he promised it would never happen again – obviously it did. The last happened on New Years Eve. Over three hours, he screamed at me in public. I would have left if I could but a) he was carrying my ID and phone and b) we had to take the same train to get home. I ended things immediately that night. I had my father pick me up from the train station (we were staying with my family for the holidays) at 5 in the morning, bawling my eyes out. My father helped me pack up his things and naturally refused to allow him into the house to see me. I was embarrassed, ashamed that I had had to wake up my family and involve them in this, furious that he had said the things he had said, confused how someone who loved me could treat me in such a way…it was not a good night.

    In the days following, I have honestly seen massive changes. He has admitted that what he did was abusive. He has already found a therapist and has agreed to start anger management. He is looking AT HIMSELF, not just at me or the incident that triggered the fight, but questioning why he has those feelings, why he said what he said…I have honestly never seen him be introspective like this. He has given me every right to be furious, every right to end things, and has made no excuses for his actions.

    My friends and family who know about the fight can’t imagine me ever talking to him again, let alone going back to him. But I have to wonder if it is so horrible to give someone yet another chance? I don’t want to EVER be in that situation again, and I don’t want to open myself to more abuse, but I feel almost cruel to end things when I honestly believe that this time he truly desires to change and make himself better – not just for me, not just for our relationship, but for himself. Am I forgiving too much? Am I not respecting myself enough?

    January 7, 2015 at 2:27 am #70752
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    What great questions and introspection!
    Before I got to the part where he is seriously working on his problem I was ready to tell you to RUN and “don’t look back”.
    Now I can only say that if you are in love with him and can’t live without him, you may want to keep the distance from him.

    You did mention that you didn’t “feel” the love like he does. (that you are the one)
    So you aren’t sure if he is the one. I would do it like this. If you think you have a shot at a good life with him and can love him beyond measure then give it some time.
    If you weren’t that happy before, with him, then maybe just let him work his anger issues out on his own and then you two could try again.

    Honestly, it scares me that he treated you so poorly that you had to call your dad. This incident is going to forever color your family’s view of him.
    That is just how our parents are! Highly protective.

    The main thing is how you feel about him.
    Your last paragraph is telling in that you are looking at it from your reaction to him and his desire to change. You are asking, “Is it so wrong to give him another chance?” And here is the one that really makes me want to ask you to THINK about your motives for giving him another chance:
    “but I feel almost cruel to end things when I honestly believe that this time he truly desires to change and make himself better ”
    OK I understand. You want to be giving and forgiving and give him a chance. But why are you giving him this chance (if you do)?
    Is it because you want to have a good solid relationship with him? Or to show how understanding you are.

    You just never said that you loved him beyond your wildest dreams and that is what I would like to know.

    January 7, 2015 at 3:21 pm #70799
    Natasha
    Participant

    This reminds me of a similar situation I was in. My guy did change his behaviour quite a lot (it took about a year), stopped feeling sorry for himself and realised how he had treated me. But being in such horrible emotionally draining situation for two years I never felt the same way as I did in the beginning so realised last month that I had to break up with him.

    Its good he is getting help but I feel the best option is for you is to give him some time to really develop and work on himself without you. he needs to go through this alone. And you need to spend some time on your own to figure out whats best for you and be sure of whether you truly want to be with him or not. Its understandable that you still care a lot for him but you just have to think about you and whats best for you.

    I am finding it hard to cope without him but deep down I know its for the best

    January 8, 2015 at 8:46 pm #70933
    kk
    Participant

    This situation seems very similar to my own, but I was the “angry guy” who didn’t seek help until after nearly two decades of marriage and believe me, it was not fun for anyone. My wonderful and remarkable wife is now contemplating my “second chance” but there are now children involved so it’s a bit more complex and there is alot of healing to do all around. My wife seems to have a similar outlook to yours and stayed for as long as she did because she kept holding out hope for me to change. I only realized my issues about a year ago and I am now healing but alot of damage was done to our marriage and we both feel like we are in spot we never dreamed, in our worst nightmare, we would be in.

    I would say he needs time to heal, and if his personal issues are anything like mine, he may not know what true, healthy love is and so may not love you in the way you deserve to be loved as a significant other.

    You should believe in his ability to change, support it, and encourage it, because if he doesn’t change, he will possibly never a healthy relationship with anyone. (You could tell him about a great website that is really helping me. It’s called “Tiny Buddha”.) However, I think Maggie Black pretty much nailed it. It seems from your own words that you are not a strong match, and so I would not continue the relationship beyond a good friendship.

    If, after he has healed and is capable of truly loving someone, and you both still feel an attraction, you can always pursue it then. But, I would give it a couple of years.

    Be strong!

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