I would stick it out a while longer–he has many good qualities and no one can be all things you need. Would he be willing to go to couples therapy with you. I am thinking that if you came up with some ground rules of needs you both have and agree to and put them in writing it might be worth the energy. I am not saying a contract but an agreement that he can see and visually refer back to.

I read a great funny heartwarming book written by a man with Asperger’s–about how he had to memorize what he needed to do to meet needs of his wife and others that just didn’t come natural. The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch. If your boyfriend is shown how to be a better boyfriend and you do the work to be more understanding–it may be worth your while.

I am an older woman-a bit older than you. I was ready to be alone. then I met C. approx. 6 years ago. C. used to be a therapist(retired) and is a Carl Jung scholar. He is still a pain and does not meet all my needs. He isn’t suppose to–nor do I meet all his.

He is so good at having healthy boundaries. He does not and will not “treat me”. Its like living with a grown up all the time. He has been meditating and practicing yoga for 35 years. Its still work to make it work. I love him dearly, we are committed to “stand” in love. (a retired therapist is probably what I always needed) I have been in therapy for approx. 4 years–I wanted the peace of mind it appears he has.

You are going to be ok regardless of whether you work it out with your friend or not. Decide together or apart whether you are both willing to do the work. You probably may find someone who is a better fit later–or you may not. Life is scary like that.

Seaisland

• This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Seaisland.

Rose Tattoo-
You are soo welcome….be kind to yourself. Let us know how you are.

Seaisland

I was ok with my Aspergers partner. But after 9 years I realized that all the things t I was missing, I Deserved. And it was Not ok. I had poor self worth and he was nice to me. As in not mean. But he was unhealthy to me. And I wish I had 9 years back sometimes, but I learned a lot about myself. It was hard.   I felt like the bad guy and he was perfect. The problem is he considers himself very perfect and superior and so while I was having such poor self worth, he believed me when I spoke  badly about myself, agreed.

But I was never understood, never supported, never given things that I convinced myself I didn’t need.

But I needed them. Everyone does.  He only wanted me to take care of him. Not the other way around. That is another trait. That they want to be “taken care of”  in a relationship. But they make it where we don’t have anything left to give ourselves and they can’t take advantage of people like that. By people I mean partners.

All the books say the facts. How hard it is and try to inform you on how to deal

But you don’t know, even by writing a book. Even the doctor who wrote a book on Aspergers relationships  because she was in one.

Accept it they all say. But giving love care compassion understanding respect and more to your partner while you got nothing in return emotionally leaves you very resentful empty and in a big way you are being leached from.

I myself didn’t know for 4 years that he even had Aspergers. I thought he just didn’t like me. 5 years later I am leaving. I resent him. I feel that he took advantage of me. I wasnt loved. He says he did but never  showed  it. He appears fine to others. Only I have the right viewpoint to really know how different he is.

So I loved him and I didn’t really love myself and he didn’t show me any love either. After 9 years of that, my heart now just seems dead.  *choking back tears as I put that into words.

He loved himself enough for the both of us.

Partners of individuals with Aspergers.. if you are loving you need that in return. You might not realize how much you deserve and you may think it’s all you you not him.

My guy wouldn’t think badly of himself enough to believe me when I told him he was doing something wrong. everything he Does is perfect and if you don’t do something the same way he does you are doing it wrong.

You aren’t nagging him because you don’t have good reason. It’s not you it’s him and he will not believe that its  the things that he hasn’ t done that’s wrong.  done are wrongly  doesn’t do he just know that they exist but you need them and deserve them and can’t love somebody without getting it back.  it’s a give and take you can’t give it all away you’ll be left with nothing

Dear Rose Tattoo

How are you? Are you able to share your ultimate decision? I’m 3 months in with a new boyfriend I’m convinced is Aspie. I only learned of my own diagnosis in the past year. I’m 49 and boyfriend is 54. Neither one of us have been in relationship for 12-14 years. Crazy about him although in the past 3 months we’ve been together it feels like my heart’s been broken 3 times already. I have complex PTSD from emotionally unavailable and abusive parents and boyfriend’s Aspie traits (difficulty listening, emotionally un supportive, needing a lot of alone time  (we only see each other once a week), inconsiderate of feelings, have all been major triggers for me, feeling like I’m an unloved 5 year old all over again.

This past weekend, after a week of heart palpitations, and the latest heart break, I told him I couldn’t stand being a nag all of the time and I couldn’t do it anymore. That it would be better if we were friends. We’re amazing friends. He’s a highly intelligent man, full of integrity and extremely generous (just not when he’s acting selfishly). He admits his faults. He’s sorry. He does make changes but the heart break is so much.

Anyhow. Our stories sound so similar I really wanted to find out how you landed. I’m hoping with peace.

Namaste- Christie

I read your post and you described my experience in life for the last 6 years line after line. I searched for “should I break up with my Aspergers boyfriend” and Tiny Buddha was the first choice. This was posted years ago and I wanted to learn the outcome of your dilemma. Did you continue your relationship?