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July 5, 2021 at 8:45 pm #382481
AnonymousInactiveHello everyone.
On June 18th, I had my first date with a man I met at work. We immediately connected and the chemistry was through the roof. He talked about the future with me, from simple travels to kids and retirement, he kissed me and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed. I was so happy. He said I love you on the 4th date and he introduced me to everyone in his life, both family and friends as his proper girlfriend. We were together every single day for more than 8 hours sometimes and each date was better than the last. His family loves me dearly and everyone was saying we would be the first couple to get married amongst his friends. One day he broke down in tears, out of the blue, because he said that I’m too much of a good and kind person so he is terrified of ever hurting my feelings. This happiness continued on for 7 more days. Here’s how things started going south…
I am single for more than a year and I was in a place where I didn’t feel a relationship would be necessary in my life, but I’d welcome it should it come along. He has been single 3 months before we got together, after an 8 year old engagement, in which his ex basically broke up with him but he said the relationship was dead at least 6 months prior to it ending. He reassured me he has completely gotten over this. Although, it took some time, he deleted their photos on social media and tomorrow his ex is picking her stuff from his house for good. All is well.
Except, it’s not. Two Sundays ago we were making out and when I felt I’d lose control, I told him that we should cool it down a bit because I need sometime to be ready to have sex. He said I can take all the time I want & that he respects that. Since then he has become significantly colder and emotionally distant. He claims it is because I put a heavy burden on his shoulders when I stated that sex is something very important to me & that I want to be as sure as possible before engaging for the first time with someone new. Now he thinks that he has to be 100% sure that he wants to be with me in the future before we continue on to having intercourse and that he is pressing his mind to find things that would tear us apart in the future, so as to tell me before we make love so that we break up beforehand. I do hope I make sense. Anyway, I never ever said anything of the sort to him. He just asked one day of I would be more hurt if we were to break up before or after having sex and I said after, since physical intimacy tends to make me bond more with my partner emotionally.
I am trying to make this work. I am trying by text and when on a date to be there for him. Yesterday, I asked him jokingly if he loved me and he said no but then said, you know how I feel, so why do you ask on purpose? This completely shuttered me down. I was ready to break up with him right then and there. For days, I’m “showing up” with my feeling and my trust and all I get is a wall of emotional resentment to which he agrees there is one. He has even backed down on the talks about the future. Even about next weeks plans for example. Now he wants to “live in the moment” which is great, I do too, but why then setting the bar so high so early if you’re not ready to own the things you’re saying?
He said that he wants to be with me, that his feelings are the same and that he doesn’t want to break up but that he is not sure about the future. Which, I understand, I’m not either, no one ever can be, but I told him I am sure of wanting to work for a future together and he agreed. But… he is on edge and that this may go, but he doesn’t know when. He said sex would have helped but that know, he wants to wait too, even if I was ready.
I even told him to consider taking some time to think, not meeting with me even if that would help him but he is adamant he doesn’t want time to rethink our commitment. Don’t all of these statements sound contradictory? ai have lost my will to sleep, eat, think or do anything other than thinking. Sometimes I wanna break up and others I wanna stay and fight. I don’t want to pull the plug early on something. I told him that it would be a pitty to literally abort something before it is even born, out of fear. Because literally we have no other problems, safe this one. But we’re not even a month together and this much drama is so bad.
I have communicated with him that in his fear of hurting me he is actually hurting me and doing nothing to ease my pain. He agreed and said he would understand if I were to break up with him. Though he doesn’t want to.
All this talk of break up and sex, is disheartening to me. But I can tell he is a good man. He has respected me.
What should I do? Do I keep trying or do I pull the plug? Do I give things time and if so, how do I go about it? Thank you very much.
July 6, 2021 at 3:59 am #382485
PeggyParticipantHello Sofioula,
You are three weeks into this relationship and you don’t want to be pressured into having sex. Your boyfriend has managed to turn that around into a ‘pressure’ upon himself. Added to that his long standing relationship has just come to an end and he has to meet with her (presumably) for a handover of all her possessions. I’m willing to bet that he isn’t scared of hurting you but that he is scared of hurting himself. He wouldn’t say such a thing if he was in a loving relationship with you. These are early days and things moved at a fast pace with him introducing you to his family. You are talking of getting married to a man who isn’t ready for such a commitment and there is no competition among friends involved. It doesn’t matter if he is the first or the last of them to get married. You need to know that you are compatible and that you are secure as a couple.
My opinion is that you should stand back and ask yourself if he is mature enough or stable enough for a long term relationship at this moment in time. The cracks have appeared. It doesn’t sound good. He is already rethinking the commitment. Four weeks into a relationship and the problems are appearing. You haven’t known him long enough to know him as a complete person. People are inclined to show themselves at their best during the early days and then they drop the mask and less desirable traits surface.
“This much drama is so bad”. Even if you wanted sex with him now, he would want to wait? Really! Alternatively, he might be wanting to punish you for rejecting him.
If you really want to stay and make this work, you probably need some couples counselling but so early on!!!
My advice to you would be that you should seriously consider moving on to someone new, someone who can be more positive about sharing a future with you.
Best Wishes
Peggy
July 6, 2021 at 4:46 am #382486AnonymousInactiveDear Peggy, thank you so much for coming to my rescue!
Couldn’t agree more with you, I think this is more about him than it is about me, our us in general. I think he still has no idea what he wants and what he can provide emotionally at this point. I think he just tried to rush a relationship with me in order to get a “fix”, a substitute for what he lost. Otherwise I tend to believe he is doing all that just to manipulate me psychologically, since he is always in a great mood when we talk about anything sexual. And I tested that a few times. When I talk/text about feelings, the future (i.e. going for a swim next Saturday, never kids and what not), everyday stuff, trying to crack a joke, his responses are moody, or blunt. Until I text or say to him something lightly sexual. Then his mood is up, he is cheery and enganged in the conversation…
I won’t say he is not engaged in our other conversations, but lately he starts to just not care that much. He says he will wait for me to be ready but up to 2 months and not a day more, because he is afraid I might be using him. I asked him how could I? 90% of our dates are walks in parks and the rest coffee dates! I have asked to split the bill, everytime, bought him coffee once myself. And he knows I make better money than him. This is absurd. Yet yesterday he texted me that we will “consumate” things when we are both ready.
And as you say, I start to feel like this is a form of punishment. He told me to wait until he is out of this rut and when I said that this would tear us apart, he said “you want me to wait for you, but you cannot wait for me?”. Being unsure about the future so early on is natural and expected. But what is totally uncool in my books is creating that sense of security, only to take it back, because little “G” got scared, or he NOW decided to live in the moment. Telling me that all of the future talk is valid and he is commited, whilst forbiding me to talk about it because it creates conflicts…conflicts where? For what? All our drama has zero to do with serious talks. The only thing that got us where we are is the sex part. And note that I NEVER initiate such talks anyways.
He says he respects me so much he is afraid of us having sex and then if we break up that I would think he used me. That I’m literally the only girl that puts so much pressure into having sex with someone for the first time and that if we had sex, that would have solved all our problems.
***Bonus tip 1: he deleted the photos of his ex after I put my foot down & asked multiple times for him to do so. His family & friends did the same and they were furious about it. They supported me in that it is a total lack of respect towards me. He was afraid of hurting his ex’s feelings. He told me he will never block her though, I never asked for that.
***Bonus tip 2: he told me that only after we have sex, will we tell our offices we are together. We don’t work together but our offices often times cooperate since our bosses are friends.
My parents are worried sick. My mother thinks he might even be bipolar. Am I crazy for thinking he needs time/ singlehood?
July 6, 2021 at 12:42 pm #382492AnonymousGuestDear Sofioula:
Welcome back. You shared today, July 6th: “On June 18th, I had my first date with a man I met at work…. We were together every single day for more than 8 hours sometimes… His family loves me dearly”. You met this man at work, and had your first date with him 18 days ago, which is 2.5 weeks ago. You spent time with him every day (and sometimes with his family and friends as well), at times more than 8 hours per day. To understand the situation better I ask:
1) Did you meet this man recently for the first time, or did you know him for a while as a co-worker?
2) If he is a co-worker, did the time you spent together includes time spent together at work, as co-workers?
3) Within these 2.5 weeks since his family met you for the first time, they grew to love you dearly, you say. By family, are you referring to his parents, siblings, cousins, others?
4) How much time and in what circumstances did you spend time with his parents and/ or siblings/ other family members?
5) How did his parents and/ or other family members express their dear love for you?
anita
July 7, 2021 at 1:07 am #382541AnonymousInactiveDear anita, so good to speak with you again!!
I’ll respond in the way you laid your answers for easy reading 🙂
1) I “knew” him a month prior to him asking me to go out with me. First 2 times he just came for some paperwork and left in a matter of minutes. The 3rd and 4rth I started being friendly with him, doing small talk and he was open and friendly as well. I initiated being more playful and flirty, he caught up on it instantly and he started making remarks about us in the future, dating etc. The 5th time he came to the office, he asked for my FB account. Then for one day we chatted and the next he asked me out and had or 1rst date.
2) No. He is not a coworker. Completely seperate offices. His is an accounting office and mine a law office. We just reffer clients to each other and help each other on stuff, like signing, stamping, authorizing documents etc.
3) Yes, his whole family and best friends safe some minor friends and distant relatives.
4) About 4-5 times, 2+ hours each time.
5) The statement “love me dearly” may be a stretch I agree, but I do have a language barrier since english is not my native one. They are really positive about me, his siblings and mother openly stated that and they take my side concerning the ex. I do not know it that they actually love me though, it was a manner of speaking. His mother gave me gifts the first time she met me.
News flash: yesterday, we didn’t meet because his ex was supposed to come pick her stuff. Surpise she didn’t!!!! And he remains cold. Typical messages, no phone calls, not even emojis safe a smiley face and a kiss for good moring/night. His replies are small and he doesn’t start a conversation about anything. I’m feeling like I’m interviewing him!
Anita… I have feelings for him. Yet, isn’t it dishonest to:
Give someone do much attention, warmth, acts & declarations –> Make someone feel safe & open up –> That someone feels they should wait & cool of the sexual tension because they are not ready –> So you shut them down, “take back” all that you gave them (attention, warmth, acts & declarations) –> Tell them that they are responsible for pressuring you –> Ask them to take things slower –> They agree –> But you also don’t move “forwards” but backwards?
Is it unfair for me to think like I’m being punished/ put in the back burner?
When I went out with him, I though we would have some great dates and then, if we talked more and things were amazing we would enter a relationship and de facto, things would be slow. Not in a sense of dragging the relationship. In the sense of moving forward each day, little by little, for trust and feelings to develop, sink in and have both progression and excitement. The couple makes some future plans, but not so long term ones, for example traveling together, going to a concert the next month etc. Then 6 months, 9 months, 1 year after, you start talks of a joint life, maybe living together and/or marriage etc.
I get that love & what goes on a relationship can not follow a calendar and what I am describing about is something general. Things could be faster or slower but, I just wanted to give a general image of what I think is healthy. What works for me. So, when I meet this 32 year old man that talks all this sh*t (sorry) from so early on and then he takes it back, it’s not that he messed up my dreams, because I never took them seriously. I knew it is too freaking early to talk about those things and mean them, but he did mess up my ability to open up to him. It’s like he took back my right to self expression and he made me feel bad about having it in the first place.
Ugh….Any thoughts? :/
July 7, 2021 at 1:12 am #382542AnonymousInactiveWhen I went out with him, I though we would…
Disclaimer: I think about that for any potential date, not as in all this HAS to happen, but if we are a match, that those could come along or not. Meaning, I wasn’t “attached” to any ideas about being with him. You never know what comes up in life.
July 7, 2021 at 7:55 am #382549AnonymousInactiveSome more news: he asked what my plans are for today and that he knowns already that I have a russian class later this evening. And before I even asked he said that he has some paperwork to do with his cousin and later he will watch football with his brother. So I asked, what about tomorrow? He said he has no plans for tomorrow. And when I asked if we would meet then tomorrow he said we will see.
This comes from the man that booked my everyday of the week before I even asked and told me to always be sure that every afternoon he has is mine… I’m pissed, not because I won’t see him, he has every right to “me” time or hobbies but he could either decline or arrange to see me. His work schedule is 9-5 sharp. He is specifically playing games and tries to mess with my mind.
July 7, 2021 at 8:11 am #382551AnonymousGuestDear Sofioula:
Sorry things are not going well in this very-very beginning (and possibly ending) relationship. I’ve been working on a longer reply to you, it will take more time but I will be back to you within the hour. Feel free to post/ vent anytime.
anita
July 7, 2021 at 8:33 am #382552AnonymousInactiveThank you Anita, I won’t do anything haste until I hear from you.
Can’t thank you enough.
July 7, 2021 at 8:39 am #382553AnonymousGuestDear Sofioula:
Good to be speaking with you as well! I’ll retell your story so to get a feel for it: you work in the law office, he works in the accounting office. He came in to your office about 1.5 months ago for some paperwork, was done with the paperwork in a matter of minutes, and left. That was the first time you noticed him. Then he came in for paperwork a second time, and left in a matter of minutes. During the third and fourth times he came in, you initiated a small talk with him, being open and friendly, and he was open and friendly to you in return. You then escalated your friendliness to being “more playful and flirty”, “he started making remarks about us in the future, dating etc.” during those 3rd and 4th work-related visits to your office.
– I didn’t understand before that he talked about a future with you prior to dating, during first friendly chats in the office, never having talked to you before. I can’t stress enough how unreliable this kind of talk is: there was no “us” to talk about!
On the 5th visit to your office, he asked for your Facebook. Within the first day of chatting with you on Facebook he asked you for a first date. The first date took place on Friday June 18. Second date was Saturday June 19, and third date was Sunday June 20. This is what you wrote about the third date: “we we were making out and when I felt I’d lose control, I told him that we should cool it down a bit because I need sometime to be ready to have sex… Since then he has become significantly colder and emotionally distant”-
– Something is not right with the time-line: on one hand, you say that he started to become significantly colder and emotionally distant to you ever since the 3rd date on Sunday June 20th, but on the other hand, you say that the first time he told you that he loved you was on the 4th date, Tuesday June 22nd, and that he introduced you as his proper girlfriend to his family and best friends on and/ or after the 4th date, on 4-5 occasions (“He said I love you on the 4th date and he introduced me to everyone in his life, both family and friends as his proper girlfriend.. about 4-5 times, 2+ hours each time)”.
Telling you for the first time that that he loves you and introducing you to his family and best friends as his girlfriend doesn’t sound like him growing cold and distant from you at all, sounds like the opposite: growing warmer and closer to you.
In your original post, you wrote: “One day he broke down in tears, out of the blue, because he said that I’m too much of a good and kind person so he is terrified of ever hurting my feelings. This happiness continued on for 7 more days. Here’s how things started going south…”-
– “(Your) happiness continued on for 7 more days” after he broke down in tears, expressing that he is terrified to hurt your feelings, and after “he has become significantly colder and emotionally distant” since the third date?
anita
July 7, 2021 at 8:51 am #382555AnonymousInactiveAnita not the 3rd date. It was on Sunday 27th. 8 days into the relationship when he made advances and I asked to cool things down. So for 8 days he was so warm and caring and since Sunday evening when I refused to do oral sex (I am sorry for saying it) then the switch was off, And since June the 27th he is growing more and more apathetic.
July 7, 2021 at 10:36 am #382557AnonymousGuestDear Sofioula:
Stating in your original post: “Two Sundays ago we were making out.. Since then he has become significantly colder and emotionally distant”- was a mistake then, it was one Sunday ago that it happened and since then he became significantly colder and emotionally distant.
Back to your original post, you wrote: “One day he broke down in tears, out of the blue, because he said that I’m too much of a good and kind person so he is terrified of ever hurting my feelings. This happiness continued on for 7 more days”-
– so the happiness you experienced for 7 more days is since Sunday 27th to the day before you posted, Sunday July 4th?
If this is the case, how could you possibly be happy for a whole week after he became significantly colder, emotionally distant and after he broke down in tears saying that he was terrified of hurting your feelings?
(You wrote in earlier threads that you were known to be the Sunshine Girl- to the extent of ignoring evidence of darkness, so to speak?)
anita
July 7, 2021 at 11:13 am #382560AnonymousInactiveNo no wait, I’m got confused…
We started our relationship on June 18th and until Sunday 27th afternoon, I was happy, he was happy, warm, super romantic. Since the evening/night of the 27th when the “incident” happened, he became colder and he progresses to being more and more distant and typical by the hour. Also to add, that Sunday, I clarified to him that I do desire him, I do want to be with him and have sex down the line but I’m not yet ready for it. I added that I’ve been hurt in the past, when I had sex faster than what I thought was right and that I didn’t want to mess it up this time because what we have is so good. I said I always wait for about a month give or take to get to know the person before having sex for the 1rst time. To which he replied he is okay with waiting, but he hates that I put a “timetable” on when to have sex. I again clarified that it is not a timetable, I don’t mean a month to the day, it could be minus or plus some days. He insisted that I shouldn’t have told him and that this puts pressure on him and that he hated that I have this “box” that I have to “check”. No matter how many times I explained that it has nothing to my attraction to him and that it’s all about feeling safe and ready.
Hope it clarifies.
Yes, maybe Anita, I did overlook all the darkness, again, meaning all the red flags.
July 7, 2021 at 12:15 pm #382564AnonymousGuestDear Sofioula:
“One day he broke down in tears, out of the blue, because he said that I’m too much of a good and kind person so he is terrified of ever hurting my feelings. This happiness continued on for 7 more days…(until) the evening/night of the 27th when the ‘incident’ happened, he became colder and he progresses to being more and more distant”-
– “he was happy, warm, super romantic” on the first and second dates, June 18-19. But on the third date, June 20th, he broke down in tears, saying that you are too good and kind, and that he was terrified of hurting your feelings. You overlooked that incident, continuing to be happy for 7 more days, while he continued to be “happy, warm, super romantic”, until on June 27, he wanted you to perform a certain sexual act on him and you kindly refused with an honest and reasonable explanation as to why. Following that incident of 10 days ago, he grew colder and colder, more and more distant and apathetic toward you. Today you called him, asking if he has plans for tomorrow, he said no; you then asked to see him tomorrow, and he said “we will see”.
My best guess is that on the 3rd and 4rth times you saw him at work, when you “started being friendly with him”, and then “initiated being more playful and flirty”- he perceived your behavior as an invitation to have sex with him. He caught up on the perceived invitation instantly, and started saying words that will make you want to have sex happen sooner than later (“he caught up on it instantly and he started making remarks about us in the future, dating etc.”.
Next, he asked you for a date, and acted “happy, warm, super romantic” during the first two dates, happy (anticipating sex), romantic (so to make it happen soon). On the third date, he broke down into tears, (maybe because he felt guilty about your feelings getting hurt when you discover that he didn’t mean to have more than sex with you).
You overlooked that incident. Seven days later, he wanted a certain sexual act, you said no, he felt disappointed and being no longer in the mood to be happy-warm-super-romantic, he wasn’t these things any more.
“Yes, maybe Anita, I did overlook all the darkness, again, meaning all the red flags”- and now, do you see red flags regarding his previous suggestions or declarations of love and a future with you?
If you do, what is behind you calling him today, asking to see him tomorrow?
anita
July 7, 2021 at 12:34 pm #382567AnonymousInactiveDear Anita,
Yes indeed you got it everything right! Every single person I’ve asked, young & old, they say the same with you. That essentially he was love bombing me to have sex early on. Once he saw I have standards concerning intimacy, he quickly dropped the mask, due to boredom. It’s not fun when you don’t get what you “work” for, right?
I didn’t call him, we were texting and I was just testing him. Of course, I knew all along that his answer would be ambiguous or negative, nor did I want to go out with him. I just did it to confirm how much my intuition actually works 😆 I think, it does work fine.
This coming Saturday is his sister’s birthday party to which he invited me on the 1rst date. Guess what I did today? I booked tickets to go to my island and spend Friday and the whole weekend together with my sister, mom and some friends. Also, guess what? I haven’t told him yet! Tomorrow my uncle who died 2 years ago is going to “die” again and poor me has to go for the funeral…
Am I proud for playing such games? No. But it does feel so sweet, to get innocent revenge on him. Why won’t I just tell him we’re over? Nuh, does he deserve it? I will tell him Monday morning I guess. I dunno. I told him I dislike games more than the devil. He is disrespectful.
Two hours ago I got accepted to study Hebrew. It was a LIFE LONG dream of mine.I feel so fulfilled!!! I told him and he knows what this means for me and he literally texted: “Good for you. You are a busy woman and you look the part”. In Greek, it is a full blown barb. This remark alone, solidified in my mind not only that he is an insecure, selfish and narcissistic baby that needs attention 24/7, but also that I’ve very glad to not believe his lies in the first place, enough to fully surrender myself to him.
He makes no time to see me this week, makes no plans yet he expects me to stay home and do laundry and be Happy about it? No señor.
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