Should I "grow up"or is it my right to say "no"

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Peter 8 months, 2 weeks ago.

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    Honest advise needed

    So me and my boyfriend we planning on having a BBQ at our house with two friends that are leaving. He got a text saying the BBQ had now been moved to this other guys house and straight away I didn’t want to go. I put my alcohol back (we were in the bottle shop) and my partner got really upset with me. Not shouting or mad, upset.

    My point of view – they are his friends from a previous snow season and every time I go round I feel anxious and very awkward, like I’m looking to make conversation with anyone just in case he’s watching me and sees me not talking to people, so I guess I feel a pressure even though he doesn’t actually pressure me at all, I don’t want to feel like he has to babysit me and I don’t want to ruin his night.

    When we got home we had a little argument and he says that he doesn’t invite me to stuff because he know I will say no. Why would I say yes if I feel so so awkward around those people… should I just man up and be miserable at the parties or do I have a right to say no without feeling guilty ….



    Dear Sophie:

    It is your right to say no. Why is it that you feel guilty saying no to attending the BBQ?

    It was okay with you to have the BBQ at your home, not at another’s?




    Hi there, first you haven’t really explained why you feel awkward? 2. Life is short let it go go. If these people are genuinely nice people, go have fun, get out and about, listen to other people. 3. Remeber to also make time for yourself.



    Dear Sophie,

    You have the right to say no.    In fact I have found that there are really 3 answers to almost any question/situation –  Yes, No, or Not now.




    should I just man up and be miserable at the parties or do I have a right to say no without feeling guilty

    You of course have a right to say no.

    Notice though you are projecting into the future that you will be miserable and guilty, which you probably will be if you look at attending the party of having to “man up”.  We create what we fear. That problem isn’t about your relationship but your insecurities, which are impacting your relationship.

    That said its important that you hear what your boyfriend is saying to you when he says he doesn’t feel he can invite you to things and participate in his life. How might he be feeling? Could you be ashamed of him? Do you want to be a part of his life? You’ve explained your behavior as not wanting to ruin his night and yet going or not going your creating a negative experience for both of you. Which negative experience has the most weight?

    One of the purposes of relationship is to confront our fears and deal with them. Nothing like a relationship to reveal our shadow.

    As an introvert I get it. I always feel uncomfortable in large gatherings, yet when I make the effort I’m almost always glad that I had.  But it is a effort, and also my problem. As you posted in a Buddhist site I suspect you already know that you need to let go of your concerns of how you imagine others might be thinking of you. In this case you don’t have to imagine you can ask how your boyfriend feels when the two of you go out to visit friends. He may even enjoy staying beside you and helping you engage.

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