Dear Christin:

“I am wondering what you would think if you were in his position. Would you have appreciated a text?“-

If you send him a message suggesting to be friends, he is not likely to like it.  Men who were rejected romantically by a woman are not inclined to want to be friends (of the without-benefits kind) with the woman who rejected them romantically/ sexually.

If you send him a message suggesting to resume a dating relationship with him, he is more likely to like it.

If I was in your place, I would need to be very clear, in my own mind, about what it is that I want from the guy, and then, if I message him, I would be very clear, honest and straight forward with him.

anita

Dear Christin:

You are very welcome. If you message him asking “how he’s doing with his job and life in general“, I think that he’ll be thinking something like: I wonder what she wants, maybe she wants to get back together, maybe (this or that). Then, depending on what he thinks you want, and what he wants, he will respond one way or another. If he thinks that you want to date him again, and he wants it too, he will tell you about his job, his life etc., so to give you the opportunity to become more clear and direct about what it is that you want.  If he is not interested in dating, he may not respond, or respond with a short, polite message.

I was wondering, about two things: (1) Regarding  what you shared in your original post: “After a mountain trip we did early February, the first thing he did was drink a beer and also drinking around an hour before we were driving home which I told him was a bad idea. It scared me and it just left a really bad feeling deep within me. I want to date someone that’s responsible. I mean he was 30 years old“- do you mean that he drank only ONE beer within an hour of having to drive back? If it was only one beer, and especially if it was a light beer, and if he was drinking water as well during that hour, it doesn’t seem irresponsible to me. I wonder why it affect you deeply, that he drank that beer: do you have a family history of alcoholism, or other grave irresponsible behavior?

(2) Regarding what you shared in your 2nd post, “I had a ‘not so good’ first date a couple of days ago”- what happened in that date, was it bad?

anita

Dear Christin:

I agree, of course, that drinking and driving is very wrong and very dangerous. After all the statistics show how deadly it is and how much suffering is caused by the practice. Also, there are many deaths and injuries caused by the use of alcohol in contexts other than driving. Having stated this, it seems to me that in addition to your position on the abuse of alcohol, you are also carrying unresolved anger from childhood, from having had to be too responsible too soon, when you were supposed to enjoy an irresponsible, carefree kind of childhood, and that this anger destroyed the potential of a lasting good relationship with the guy you got along with.

And then having the recent date where you didn’t get along with the guy at all made you realize how well you got along with the guy we are talking about. Any truth to what I posted here?

anita

Dear Christin:

You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation, you are kind. Your post of 10 minutes ago makes a lot of sense. I think that your decision is the right decision. So many people compromise what they know to be true and proceed to do what is wrong for them to do- because they get lonely or anxious or depressed, and in so doing, dishonoring themselves (I did).

Therefore, it was pleasant for me to read: “I don’t want to dishonor myself by dating a guy that I know is not right for me and I also want to honor myself and the decision I made this winter when I ended it with this guy“!

If and whenever you’d like to post on any topic, here or in a new thread, please do.

anita

Dear Christin:

You are always welcome. Loneliness is a powerful feeling, so I understand. A little bit from Wikipedia on the topic of loneliness: “Loneliness is also described as social pain– a psychological mechanism which motivates individuals to seek social connections”- so, no wonder the title of your thread is “Should I reach out..?”- lonely, you were motivated to seek social connection!

anita