Home→Forums→Relationships→Should I reach out?
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July 28, 2014 at 12:42 pm #61979AnonymousInactive
I started seeing a guy I felt a really deep connection with earlier this summer. We dated for about 6-8 weeks before I boarded a plane to London for 2 months (which I had told him about previously). We had decided to see where things went and if we felt the same way when I got back, we’d pick things up where we left off. But I didn’t anticipate that I would fall for him so quickly. The week before I left we ended up having sex for the first time, and I felt him pull away after that. I became angry and defensive because I didn’t understand why and was insecure. We had a conversation where he told me that his previous girlfriend had moved away from him and they had a long distance relationship, and he didn’t want that. I was hurt, because I had/have feelings for him, even though long distance while I’m in London isn’t necessarily what I want. I told him, out of self-protection (and knowing that I would be wrapped up in him and unable to concentrate on my work here), that I didn’t want to really stay in touch while I was in the UK, and I think that hurt him. But he told me that if I ever wanted to reach out, he’d be happy to hear from me. He didn’t want to see me one on one the night I left, and that hurt me again. But now that I’m in London (I’m heading back to the US in 3 weeks), I’ve found that I really miss him and want to reach out. But I’m not sure if it’s out of guilt/fear, or out of a desire for communication, which is making me unsure about whether my desire to reconnect with him is healthy. So I’m wavering back and forth about what to do. Should I stick to what I told him I was going to do and not speak to him, or put myself out there?
July 28, 2014 at 10:55 pm #62027Abraham RodríguezParticipantHello Annie!
Well, this, in my opinion, is a very delicate situation where you have to look the deepest inside you and be true to yourself (this is key to being able to sort this out).
I think that this person in your life maybe is having trust issues regarding his past relationships (not meaning that he hasn’t moved on, in my opinion they are two different things) and therefore, causing this strange attitudes toward you. In example, the night before you went away, when he didn’t want to see you, maybe he was afraid of falling for you and then losing someone he loves again and getting hurt. This doesn’t precisely means that he doesn’t care for you, maybe he’s thinking better things about this new relationship. I would suggest trying to empathise with him and understanding where he’s coming from. Try talking this issue directly and clarifying things in a way full of love and understanding. If you’re thinking of having a serious relationship with him, better establish solid foundations based on communication rather than guessing his feelings and his vision of the relationship.Be very careful with those “I fell for him” feelings. Sometimes we mask our need to be with someone just so we can fill our needs with sensations of false love, especially if you already had sex, because this creates a physical need, also masking the true love. This is where i would suggest that you be true to yourself in the sense of really being sure you want him because you truly love every aspect of him and want to share your life and not trying to satisfy one of your needs.
I hope this helps, really, I know how effd up this things get and I comprehend how you may be feeling. I’m sending you the biggest hug of all times and all of my strength!
July 29, 2014 at 4:31 am #62043sammykinsParticipantHi Annie,
I agree with Abraham that you need to look deep inside and listen to the voice of your intuition (the quiet calm voice that just knows what you really want to do – not the load chatter of your fear).
I would perhaps go one step further though once you are clear on what your inner voice wants you to know, and ask yourself would you rather continue to speculate or would you rather know? I’m with Abraham on you needing to be honest – and that comes with vulnerability and acting from a place of the most genuine of intentions. There is no guarantee here that he will be willing to open up in return to you, or where this could go, that’s not something that’s within your control. We cannot predict how other people will feel or behave, all we can do is share ourselves I suppose in the most beautiful and open way and trust that our intentions will bring us what we most want in the end, even if it’s not the the shape or size we may have initially pictured.
I suppose it comes down to where you want to spend your energy – on running through memories and what ifs or on knowing with clarity what you want and where you stand. Either way you’re going to need two things here; vulnerability and courage. I’ve recently been battling with these two things myself in a big way in my own personal and romantic life, and while it is so scary to put yourself out there, I’ve found that it is so much scarier to have a brain full of infinite what if stories.
Have courage Annie, either to reach out or to not, either way it can only bring the very best into your life 🙂
July 29, 2014 at 5:20 am #62045InkyParticipantI would send out one communication to him when in London. You kind of painted yourself in a corner with saying you don’t want to keep in touch. Then, see where it goes.
On an aside, we women have to be careful when having sex because our bodies release pesky hormones that make us want to attach even more to that person. And not only that, we tend to have to already be attached before we get in the bedroom, anyway!
I would say, “I don’t want to be together until we’re *together*, you know what I’m saying? I like you too much to have just a physical thing with you.” This way it lets everyone off the hook: It’s a confession and a gentle let down at the same time. An all or nothing, yet putting you a bit in control of the situation.
Good Luck!
July 29, 2014 at 3:39 pm #62160AnonymousInactiveThank you all! I really appreciate all your advice, and I have reached out and we’ve been making light conversation, and it’s been lovely 🙂 I was reminded the other night of this quote from Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly” that I want to share with you all:
“I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let’s think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow – that’s vulnerability. Love is uncertain. It’s incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed. Yes, it’s scary and yes, we’re open to being hurt, but can you imagine your life without loving or being loved?”
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