Nadia,

In contrast to memm’s thoughtful response, consider that marriage is an important aspect of intimacy. Its only symbolic, but means commitment and stability to many people. It is the commitment, not the symbol, that is important. I wonder, much like memm’s alluding, marriage doesn’t mean the same thing to both of you. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider approaching this situation from both sides. On your side, marriage means commitment and stability. So, when he says “never thought about it” or “no thanks” it might immediately feel like he is not invested, not caring, not in the same place as you emotionally. On his side, there are a couple possibilities. One is that he is not invested in the same way, and you’re right to pull away. The other is that he is already deeply committed, and the symbolism of marriage doesn’t mean the same thing to him. So, even as he dreams of a future with you, its more about the dance and joy than “social institutions” such as marriage.

Consider that as with most issues in relationships, communication and understanding are key here as well. Talk to him about what marriage means to you, what you dream of in your life and life with him, and what your fears are. Ask him to reveal his side, what he sees, thinks and feels about your relationship. You may find that you two do share the exact same dream, but approach commitment and stability differently. You may find that he isn’t in the same place yet, and why that is… maybe he has some stuff to heal from his past that prevents him from embracing what he has now. Who knows?

By opening and sharing, you will avoid the “me vs him” split that comes up when there is an unresolved issue such as you experience. The pulling back is normal, the “tainting” of your relationship is usual… there is an evolution you wish to take that he seems to prevent. Grab his hand, kiss his cheek, and see if you can. find a common ground, a vision of mutual fulfillment that leaves you both feeling content and secure. Maybe marriage will make sense to him when he sees it from your side, a fulfillment of longing for a stable home. Maybe you’ll see how deeply in love he is with you, and marriage won’t remain as important. Either way, its between you and your heart, and him and his. Communicating your heart is the most important part, because it helps to dispel the mystery, and either you will grow the relationship in a way that brings joy to both of you, or you’ll recognize the unreconcilable differences in your desires and move on.

Also, consider that your yearning for commitment is important to honor. As we feel more secure in an intimacy, we open more of ourselves, which allows all of the passion, appreciation, and joy to grow between us. You’re right to insist upon that unfolding for you, as it is a wonder and beauty worth growing. However, its also important to be patient, gentle and curious… because each of us grows at our own pace.

Namaste, sis, may you find the joy and security you seek.

With warmth,
Matt