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should I stick around?

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  • #384374
    Teckin
    Participant

    Hello,

    I’m hoping to get some answers to my confusion as I am new to online dating.

    I met a guy online four months back. We’ve hung out almost every weekend and met in person at least 12-13 times now. He texts me every day but with few texts. I don’t know much about what he is up to every day. Sometimes he takes 5+ hours to reply to my text or even the next day. I often think maybe he is not interested. However, when we meet in person, we have so much chemistry, and we can talk for hours, laughing endlessly. I enjoy his company. He did say a couple of times that he had a great time hanging out with me. The last few meets were more personal. He talked about his goals and his exes when I asked. He would do the same too. He asked about my history and so on. He asked me to stay over two weeks back, and I didn’t. He said he would wait until when I am ready. He seems nice and also talked about how we can go for a trip or other activities. He uses a lot of ‘We’ in his conversation. I am confused about whether he is looking for a long-term relationship, a real girlfriend, or just hookups. He mentioned the other day that he is not sure what he is looking for and gave an example of how he is unsure if he wants kids. Any thoughts on this? Should I leave him or try him out and see where things go?

    #384385
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Teckin:

    I am confused about whether he is looking for a long-term relationship, a real girlfriend, or just hookups“- in what you shared, and if the two of you haven’t had sex yet, I don’t see any evidence that he is looking for hookups with you.

    He mentioned the other day that he is not sure what he is looking for and gave an example of how he is unsure if he wants kids. Any thoughts on this?“- sounds like he is honest with you about him being unsure. You can ask him next time you see him to tell you more about his doubts.

    Should I leave him or try him out and see where things go?“- I wouldn’t leave him at this point, nor will I passively wait and see where things go. I would ask him questions, such as what he is up to every day (“I don’t know much about what he is up to every day“), and what does he feel about texting (“Sometimes he takes 5+ hours to reply to my text or even the next day“).

    anita

    #384390
    Teckin
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. Maybe he is not looking for hookups. Perhaps he is not sure what he is looking for with me. He had failed relationships before (like four breakups). Could this be the issue? Also, he is unsure if he wants kids because he was never a good kid to his parents.

    Maybe I should give him more time? like meet him few more times to get to know more about him?

    #384395
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Teckin:

    You are welcome. I think that it is an excellent idea that you give him more time and get to know more about him. He already told you quite a bit when he said “he was never a good kid to his parents”- it means that he was a good kid but- sadly for him- his parents told him or showed him that he was a bad kid.

    If he believes that he was a bad kid, he may believe now, as an adult, that he is a bad man… maybe not good enough for a good woman. Lots of men (and women) believe that they not good enough, and a lot of pain is involved in such a belief.

    anita

    #384402
    Teckin
    Participant

    Thank you Anita! I will keep you posted.

     

     

    #384405
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Teckin. I will read and reply when you post again!

    anita

    #385192
    Teckin
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    So we talked the other day. He said he is not sure what he wants and doesn’t think he can commit to a relationship right now. However, he says he wants to sleep with me. He sounds like a player to me, won’t you agree?

    #385193
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Teckin:

    Good to read back from you! Two weeks ago, when you started your thread, you wrote: “I am confused about whether he is looking for a long-term relationship, a real girlfriend, or just hookups. He mentioned the other day that he is not sure what he is looking for and gave an example of how he is unsure if he wants kids“.

    The other day, he told you that “he is not sure what he wants and doesn’t think he can commit to a relationship right now. However.. he wants to sleep with me“.

    This is how I understand what he told you 2 weeks ago and recently, paraphrased: I don’t want a long-term relationship and I don’t want a real girlfriend. What I want is a hookup-girlfriend (a friend with benefits aka FWB). But if I tell you that this is all I want, you might not agree. So, I am adding that I am unsure, and that maybe I am looking for a girlfriend after all. This will motivate you to agree to be my FWB, your motivation being: to be upgraded from FWB to girlfriend.

    He sounds like a player to me, won’t you agree?“- yes, I agree. A player as in dishonestly manipulative, wanting your hope to be his girlfriend to motivate you to be a hookup/ FWB.

    anita

    #385195
    Teckin
    Participant

    Thank you for your help, Anita! I think I will end it with him today. I don’t want to be his hookup-girlfriend.

    #385197
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Teckin:

    You are welcome! I think that it’s a good choice on your part, to end it today and I will be glad to read from you later, after you put an end to his hopes to manipulate you into a hookup-girlfriend situation. I would like to read what you told him and what he tells you in return.

    If what he tells you in return confuses you, and you don’t know how to respond to it, tell him that you will text him/ call him in an hour or two, then tell me what he said and we’ll take it from there.

    anita

    #385250
    Teckin
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I had a long chat with him. We both agreed we are not on the same page. He was looking for hook-ups and not commitment as he is not sure what he wants yet in life. We agreed to remain friends.

     

    #385252
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Teckin:

    I appreciate the update and glad to read that you are clear today about the difference between what you want and what he wants. I don’t know if being friends with him is a good idea: it will not be a good idea if, as a friend,  you keep hoping and waiting for him to become sure of what he wants, which would be wanting you as a girlfriend.

    Do you think you can be friends with him without such hope taking over?

    anita

    #385257
    Teckin
    Participant

    I think I can. He was the one who brought it up actually and said we could be friends. We talked about what went right and what didn’t in our “getting to know” each other phase. We talked for like 4 hours. For example, I told him how I found him flaky when he responds to my text after few days. He said he didn’t realize texting is essential and will do better whoever he dates next. He said he knew things would not work between us, but he wanted to see where things will go. He also mentioned that he knew what I wanted, but he waited for me to say it.
    Our talk yesterday was so casual, and it felt nice because there was no filter. Both of us said what we wanted, and we laughed about it. I told him how I found him so closed off too, and he should loosen up a bit for his next date. In return, he told me one of his darkest secrets yesterday because I am like one of his close guy buddies now he says. It was clear tho that I am in his friend circle now.

    #385262
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Teckin:

    A casual talk with laughter sounds good.

    He said he knew things would not work between us, but he wanted to see where things will go“- he knew a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship will not work between you and him, meaning he didn’t want it, so he figured.. why not have a hookup arrangement with you. This is a bit.. shady, isn’t it?

    It was clear tho that I am in his friend circle now“- I don’t know if that’s such a great thing, is it?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by anita.
    #385264
    Teckin
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. I agree. It sounds shady for sure. But, I said okay when he suggested us being friends because he seemed like a nice person. He was not pushy and very patient. When I didn’t want to sleep with him, he said he would wait until I was ready. So, I feel there’s a good side of him too. What do you say? Are you suggesting I should cut him off completely?

    “I don’t know if that’s such a great thing, is it?”  – Do you feel I might land up falling for him? I’ve put him under my friends list now. I don’t think I will see him as a potential date. He kept repeating too that we would be just friends and nothing more, and he told me the darkest secrets because I am his friend now. He suggested me going out and meeting other people as well and the same for him.

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