August 24, 2021 at 3:09 pm #385265
You are welcome.
“So, I feel there’s a good side of him too. What do you say?“- if a person had only a bad side then it would be easy to stay away from that person and not suffer from his/ her bad side.
But when a person has a bad side and a good side.. we are less careful and we put ourselves in harm way, suffering from the bad side.
By bad side I am not referring to imperfections or inadequacies, I am referring to a person willingness to hurt another person for selfish reasons, like doing hookups with a person you know wants a serious relationship!
“Are you suggesting I should cut him off completely?“- if he is a selfish person willing to hurt another person so to satisfy his selfish desires.. then yes!
“He kept repeating too that we would be just friends and nothing more“- he may be thinking: just friends for now, nothing more.. for now. More (hookups) later, maybe.
“and he told me the darkest secrets because I am his friend now“- it’s like.. rewarding you as a friend.
“He suggested me going out and meeting other people as well and the same for him“- that’s what he was after if he succeeded to establish a hookup/ FWB relationship with you.
What I am saying is that friendship is only as good as the people participating in the friendship. If he is shady, then the friendship will be problematic for you.
anitaAugust 24, 2021 at 4:39 pm #385270
Thank you so much. I get what you are saying now. Everything you said made so much sense. I need to cut him off completely to protect myself from getting hurt. We exchanged a few texts today. I will stop replying to him.
I always doubted him because he didn’t sound genuine enough sometimes, and I told him about it too yesterday during our talk. I think I should have listened to my gut feeling from the beginning.August 24, 2021 at 8:08 pm #385271
You are very welcome. Please do protect yourself from unnecessary hurt: hurt that results from associating with people who are .. not good people. Post again anytime you need to.
anitaSeptember 14, 2021 at 2:58 pm #386315
I have an update. So I clearly did not do what you asked because he started opening up to me after our conversations, and I gave him a second chance. But something off about him made me question if I really wanted to be with him. However, he told me that he realized he was not ready for a commitment and would part ways before I could say anything. I felt like an idiot and told myself I should have let him go three weeks back. I don’t feel hurt because I don’t feel anything for him yet. I liked his company though. But I felt stupid for letting him dumped like that. I should have listened to you.September 14, 2021 at 3:19 pm #386316
Good to read your update! Even though you felt like an idiot for giving him a second chance.. you were not an idiot. It may be that the second chance served to bring your heart to where your mind already was: “I don’t feel hurt because I don’t feel anything for him“-no real, terrible loss to you in parting way, is there?
anitaSeptember 14, 2021 at 3:55 pm #386317
True. No terrible loss. Thank you so much Anita!September 14, 2021 at 4:01 pm #386318
You are welcome, Teckin, post again anytime!
anitaSeptember 16, 2021 at 6:43 am #386364
I am not sure why I feel like I want to reach out to him. Is it because I like him? I think we’ve talked to each other a lot now that I miss his text or talking to him. He is a nice person when we are on the phone or in person. When I look back to the days when we were together, I feel like he somewhat likes me but is afraid to commit. I know I shouldn’t reach out to him. I texted him yesterday, thanked him for everything, and said I am also confused and not ready for a commitment.September 16, 2021 at 8:06 am #386366
“I am not sure why I feel like I want to reach out to him. Is it because I like him?“- yes, I think it’s because you like him and because there is no other guy that you like at this time.
“He is a nice person when we are on the phone or in person“- many people are nice and selfish: they are nice because being nice gets them what they want. If a guy wants to have sex with a woman, and nothing but sex, he has way more of a chance to succeed if he is Nice. Nice (but unwilling to commit) is ALL that many men are willing to offer to a woman who wants a committed relationship.
“I texted him yesterday, thanked him for everything, and said I am also confused and not ready for a commitment“- wait, I am confused too: I thought that you were interested in a committed relationship with him, that is, to be his girlfriend: Aug 9 you wrote: “I am confused about whether he is looking for a long-term relationship, a real girlfriend, or just hookups”, and Aug 23, you wrote: “I don’t want to be his hookup-girlfriend”)???
anitaSeptember 16, 2021 at 8:32 am #386369
Thanks, Anita. That’s correct. I am looking for a relationship eventually. However, I was finding it hard to open up fully to him, so I told myself maybe it was because I was not ready for a commitment either.
Last week he had a dream that I had an ulterior motive and fooling him into a relationship and getting what I wanted. He said he believed in a nightmare. It bothers me a bit though that he would think like that.September 16, 2021 at 8:59 am #386370
You are welcome.
“I am looking for a relationship eventually. However, I was finding it hard to open up fully to him, so I told myself maybe it was because I was not ready for a commitment either“- it looks like you are lying to yourself (and to him): you want a committed relationship with him, he doesn’t want that, so you are fooling yourself into thinking that you don’t want what you want, and.. planning to get it eventually
“Last week he had a dream that I had an ulterior motive and fooling him into a relationship and getting what I wanted. He said he believed in a nightmare. It bothers me a bit though that he would think like that“- I think that his thinking is correct: you tell him that you are okay with being just friends, or friends-with-benefits, but you don’t mean it. You want to be his FWB as a way to get into his life eventually as a full-fledged girlfriend. Isn’t this what’s going on?
anitaSeptember 16, 2021 at 9:13 am #386371
I don’t know Anita. Sometimes the vibe he gives tells me he wanted more. He told his friends that he was somewhat dating me and negotiating with me to become a gf/bf. I didn’t really understand this part from him. Also, when I mentioned that he was closed off, he changed and tried to open up with me. One time he even video called me when he was out with his friend to show me that he was out with a guy friend and not cheating on me. I don’t understand him fully. I guess I was confused about what he wanted too and what I wanted, so I went with the flow.September 16, 2021 at 9:31 am #386373
“Sometimes the vibe he gives tells me he wanted more“- don’t look for vibes.. listen to his words and watch his actions. When he tells you that he does not want an exclusive, committed relationship with you- believe him.
“when I mentioned that he was closed off, he changed and tried to open up with me“- he told you that he does not want you as his real-girlfriend (to have an exclusive, committed relationship with you). I believe him and therefore, his motivation to open up with you is about wanting you to be his hook-up girlfriend.
“I don’t understand him fully“- we don’t understand people fully, that’s why we ask questions and get answers. He told you repeatedly, in so many words, that he is not interested in you as a real girlfriend.. why do you not believe him?
anitaSeptember 16, 2021 at 9:46 am #386374
Thank you Anita. I think this is really helpful and insightful. I guess this explains why he had 4 failed relationships in the past and numerous failed dates. He mentioned they were all less than a year and how those girls appeared at the wrong time when he was focused on his career.
I don’t know how else to thank you Anita. Thank you for listening and giving your feedback. I am not crying or anything. I only miss seeing his texts.September 16, 2021 at 10:21 am #386376
You are very welcome. I understand that you miss his texts, but notice: you miss what you hoped was in his texts: a hidden desire on his part to be in an exclusive, committed relationship with you. If you believe his words and accept that he really does not want to have with you what you were hoping to have with him… then the attraction to him and missing him will be gone.