anna5466,

It seems that part of your growth opportunity (I believe that each relationship presents a growth opportunity) with your gf is to deal with your fear, speak your authentic truth, stand in your own preferences and not give up who you own wants/needs/desires, and embrace who you are, i.e. a lesbian partner.

You may or may not be able to do that with your partner but you don’t then you have to face that with the next partner.

This is a self esteem issue.  Your fear of asserting yourself, giving in to others,  your anxiety, the lack of advocating for your needs and wants and conceding to those who care not what you want are all issues of the lack of self love.

You may want to work with a therapist on dealing with the core issues that is keeping you from living fully your authentic you.

Mark

Dear anna5466:

A summary of what you shared, taking in all your posts: you are about thirty year old who has been in a lesbian relationship for six years. The relationship was never made public. She has kept it a secret from her many family members and friends whom she sees often, presenting you as her friend. You kept it a secret from your 2-3 family members and you don’t have your own friends. You didn’t want the relationship to be public because you felt shame about being a lesbian, and most recently, you “came to conclusion that lesbian relationship in my life was a mistake”, that you are not truly a lesbian.

Within this relationship you didn’t feel comfortable eating meat because she mocks people who eat meat. You didn’t travel even though you love traveling because she doesn’t like traveling.

“I stopped being that much feminine because she mocks it”, you wrote. You play board games with her even though you hate playing them. You went to concerts and the same movies over and over again even though you didn’t want to. “I feel forced to do things almost every day”, you wrote.

When you told your girlfriend that you feel awkward living this double life, “she got angry and it sounded  like I am evil for being mad”. You wrote more about your concern about being evil: “I don’t want to be an evil person.. Am I? or does it sound like I am?”, you asked. “I feel like a bad person so I try to do what I should to not be evil but I’m really unhappy…But am I an evil person who saying who I’m feeling?”

“seems like every time I say I feel uncomfortable she tells me often ‘no this is ok, this is not how you feel.. stop feeling this, and start feeling okay’, encourages me to suppress my feelings”.

You wrote that you are afraid to express your feelings and that you suffer from “anxiety and panic, nightmares… feel like I’m suffocating”.

My understanding: you probably came into this six year relationship with a weak sense of self, unassertive and you gave in easily to what she wanted, placing your needs and feelings second to hers. You lost yourself more and more in this relationship. Instead of being more of who you are, you became less and less of who you are. She encouraged this process by telling you that your feelings are not  okay.

But your feelings are okay, and you are not and never have been bad or evil for experiencing any feeling you had your whole life. Your feelings never made you good or bad. There are valid messages in our feelings and once we figure out those messages, feelings act like messengers who direct us to making better and better choices for our well-being.

You’ve been feeling suffocated and anxious because you are too far away from living your life your way. You’ve been living it her way for too long.

I hope you do well in therapy, that you choose to end this relationship and that you live your life your way: eat meat, dress/ apply makeup, appearing feminine, make a friend or two, go to restaurants, travel, don’t attend parties, never play a board game again..  and never pretend to be straight or lesbian, no more double life.

anita