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Shutting down

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  • #357046
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi, thank you to whoever takes the time to read this.

    i think I’ve been taking great strides to walk away from codependency, unhealthy attachments and looking for external validation as a means to feel whole.

    However, I still get a weird feeling in my heart and chest. Whenever I interact with my crush and it’s time to focus on me and she asks how I’m doing I shut down. I feel as though because I’m so vulnerable and open with her and don’t receive that same energy back, when I ask her to open up, I tend to shut down when I remember how it’s like when it’s the other way around.

    She doesn’t open up about personal issues too much, and likes to take things slow. Which is absolutely fine. No one owes us anything. Just because we over-share and like to move fast doesn’t mean others should do the same.

    I feel as though me shutting down and being short with her when she asks me how I’m doing is my way of saying “this is what you do to me, so I’m going to do it you, and have you see how it feels”.

    I know it’s childish. I don’t completely do it on purpose but I feel myself shutting down and it hurts because I’m an open book, and would love to be vulnerable and happy.

    But what’s the point if you’re the only one in the union doing all the sharing?

    i think this is resentment and maybe feeling bad and acting out because I cannot control something.

    it seems as though all I needed to do was type this out, and hear myself think to get to the root of why I do this.

    but still, if anyone has advice or has this similar issue, please share.

    thanks so much.

    #357210
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Michelle:

    I just became aware of your thread. I will read it and reply when I am back to the computer, in about 13 hours from now.

    anita

    #357240
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Michelle:

    My advice is to find the middle ground between being “so vulnerable and open with her” and “shutting down and being short with her”- share in a limited way, not all the way, match the way she shares with you. Maybe over time she will share more, and then you will too. Maybe over time she will share just the same, or less, and then you can share less or not at all.

    Demanding a person to share more when they don’t feel like it is unrealistic. Expressing anger at them for not sharing more has the opposite effect.

    Remind yourself that you always have the option- before certain commitments are made- to not have her in your life at all, so if it becomes too distressing for you to have her in your life.. you don’t have to.

    anita

    #357249
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Michelle,

    Sometimes we feel put on the spot, or like we’re doing all the emotional labor in the friendship.

    What I would do is have list of statements or stories ready for when she asks how you are.

    Then let it flow from there.

    Best,

    Inky

    #357271
    Michelle
    Participant

    Thank you Inky I will try that. 🙂

    #357272
    Michelle
    Participant

    You’re right Anita. Thank you.

    #357297
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Michelle. Post again anytime.

    anita

    #357216
    Ravi
    Participant

    Hi Michelle,

    The Heart, Solar Plexus and the Root Chakras – either they are blocked or leaking.

    It is generally leaking when we give everything out of proportion to the other person.

    Please see what these 3 chakras represent in the below image.

    (Image Copyrights as mentioned on the image)

    Also read this:

    Heart Chakra – Acceptance , love, compassion, sincerity, relationships, heart related issues, coldness towards others, despair

    Solar Plexus Chakra – strength, personality, power, determination, self esteem

    Root Chakra – energy, comfort, stability, safety

    What you need to do:

    The above picture shows the location of these chakras. Create an imaginary ball of energy with both the hands.  Then start bouncing that ball on each of these chakras for a minute or two by one hand. The hand need not be touching the chakras, but a few distance apart as if you are bouncing the ball on that chakra. Experiment by changing the distance of your hand from the chakra and see where it feels better. Do this from bottom to top at first and then from top to the bottom. You might even feel the bodily vibrations.

    good luck.

     

    #357193
    Susan
    Participant

    Hello Michelle,

    I read your post three or four times and my heart goes out to you and to your crush. I’m experiencing over a 20 year marriage the same response. I guess I have been for quite some time and I feel it’s taken away a treasured piece of myself that I don’t want to let go. I’m talking about that piece of me you so aptly described when you wrote, “because I’m an open book, and would love to be vulnerable and happy.”

    I love my crush so very much. And his inability to open up his heart to his true feelings and emotions has broken my heart. I once felt bad about this because I say only what I was needing from him and what I was losing of myself. Not only did I overshare, keep my heart on my sleeve and stay true to myself, I learned during arguments that he hated this part of me — deeply and to keep his love, I had to be somewhat more stoic around him. I’ve also learned that my shutting down has taken from him a piece of me that, although he may sometimes hate, he feels he’s lost a part of me he very much wants back.

    When I look at his upbringing in a large family who share the attitude that emotions are for wimps and losers; he was never allowed to express any emotions, nor were his brothers and sisters. The kids all became just surface people, small-talkers, good for chit-chat but unemotional, nearly cold of heart to those closest to them. None are brave enough to say, hey I’m scared. Wow that hurt me. They just can’t do it.

    I didn’t see this when we met and fell in love, when we married. He is a little different toward me than he is toward the rest. There’s a lot going on under that surface that I know he desperately needs to crash through. And sometimes, just now and then, he’s learned to come to me when he’s hurting or worried or terrified. Not often enough, but I think he’s learned that being with me.

    I know now I need a person more like me, more like you, more like my brothers and parents. We are a messy emotional bunch, but we always know where one another stands and how they feel about what’s going on. We’re always ready to talk through the deeper, intense situations we’ve found ourselves facing. How I miss that.

    Now I’m living a bit of a lie quite often, cause he’ll ask what’s up with me or why am I seemingly blue. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know what to do with my answers and so I get a kind of lecture about ignoring my feelings. Very tiresome.

    I don’t know if you’re in love with your crush, or how long you’ve been together or if you’ve experienced this with other crushes. You need to consider whether the two of you can work this through and if it’s worth it to you.

    I’m an older woman now, and many times when younger I sought to leave. It would have been easier then, I think anyway. The fact is though, I do love and admire this man. I’m now on a journey to connect with the kind of people who are more like me, more spiritual and expressive and curious about others. That’s helped me, that’s how I landed here. It’s another thing I won’t confide to him.

    But Michelle, if I could have foreseen how isolated and changed I’d become over the years, I’d have run run run away before I fell in love (whatever that is). Sometimes I think long-term love and marriage probably weren’t for me.

    Enough of me, I’d love to hear more from you if you’d like. Mostly I wanted you to know I was touched by what you wrote and hoped my experience in likewise shutting down over a long period might give you the chance to value the parts of yourself that you’re refusing yourself now. All of you is what you want to give to your beloved, and have that cherished by both of you, in my humble, long-overdue insight.

    Best to you Michelle, you are so worth it.

     

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