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So depressed…makes me feel like I just want to disappear…

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  • #81150
    BrokenHeart
    Participant

    Hi,

    I can’t believe I am writing on on any kind of forum…I am just really really depressed and I don’t know what to do as my mind keep thinking so much I can not do any of my routine activities.

    I really hope someone reply to me. Thank you so much in advance for your time. Here is my story…

    My bf and I (I can’t even call him my ex..just don’t feel right..) we’ve been together for 8 years.I am 32 and he is almost 29.
    For the past 3 years, my life has been really bad.. I was so stressed out about everything that happened in my life, so last year in October 2014 I told him that I want to have some time for myself, just to accomplished some goals because I hated my life and was so stressed out everytime. When I told him that I just want time to focus and work on my life and I don’t want a break up at all!
    He said he don’t believe in break and that either were together or not. He also said that hes been thinking the same! So I guess hes been wanting to go on a break. Hearing that was very devastating to me. I NEVER wanted a break! I just want some time for myself and still be with him. So we went on a 6 months break..and during that time I was so sooo hurt I hated myself even more and I did not care about myself because the person I love so much been wanting to go on a break with me! I couldn’t believe it! I went out a lot and do things I never would normally do. Sooo this sounds really bad but unfortunately for me things got worst…I went out and had sex with some guy that I am regretting so much right now that I don’t even want to think about it. He had given me chlamydia!! om&$$gggg!!! I never go out and when I do the worst thing happened to me.
    Anyways…

    So me and him got back in April this year and it was such an amazing happy feeling ever!!! (I did not know I have STI at this time)
    We were so much more in love after that break but then he started to have the symptoms in June and beginning of July we went to the doctor and did the test and found out that I gave it to him. As you know my heart hurt so bad I don’t think anyone can feel my pain…its like knife stabbing in my heart… I can’t believe it!!! We were both so hurt and I could see him sooo hurt..he cried for the first time in his life. I didn’t even know I had it! Out of everybody I can’t believe I had it with just one encounter! (very big lesson learned).

    So we talked and ofcourse he now does not want to be with me…he just want to be friends..I love him sooooo much I wish I could just turn back time and wish none of this would happened!! I trade anything in the world just to be with him again.
    It has been one month now and ofcourse I am still very very heartbroken and devastated. I know he is too…

    Now I am trying to calm myself down and giving him some time….I have a feeling this is going to take a very long time for him to heal..I don’t think he want to be with me down the road anymore and that just makes me want to die..but I have been trying to be positive and hope he will want to be with me again. I will not let him go without trying my best to get him back..I am planning on giving a year to see and after that I will see how he feels…if he want to get back with me omg Id be the happiest girl in the world! but if he doesn’t …I know I will have to go through the heartache again and learn to accept and move on…

    Sighhh…I wouldn’t have done what I did if he tell me how much he loves me…I wish I knew how much he loves me…he shows it and I was blind to see it until now..and now he tells me and its always too late..I wish he expressed his feelings more back
    then…but anyways…I am so sad everyday and I don’t know what to do…I know what I have to do but some days I just don’t..funny how emotions works…one minute your trying to be positive and the next minute you just break down and cry..

    At the moment…I am trying to work on myself and to become a better person for him to see. I want to prove to him a lot of stuff. I will work really hard to show him in hope for him to get back with me one day.

    I think about him every day especially at night…I am going to look for a night job as well and take yoga to keep myself occupied so I have no time to think about all these stuff. I am just in so much pain how things can turn out like this.

    Thank you for reading…

    xox
    Lianna

    #81156
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lianna:

    It is unfortunate that
    1) Someone passed on an STD to you (had unprotected sex, I gather)
    2) You (unknowingly) passed it on to your bf.
    3) Your boyfriend broke your relationship over the above.

    Here is a possible (and hopefully NOT) number
    4) You are now pronounced bad. It is your job to purify yourself, extricate or otherwise eliminate your badness, become good and show him and prove to him forevermore that indeed you are good. All bad or otherwise unpleasant events are your fault, because of the not-totally extricated badness. You are on your way to a lifetime of beating yourself up, being beaten by him/ others and the best you can do is become good enough to deserve a little mercy.

    i do hope your pain, evident in your post, is reduced over time. I do hope that you adopt the principle that ‘to err is human.”

    In the current state of affairs it may seem that all was just perfect before the STD incident and aftermath, but not necessarily so. It felt perfect but that doesn’t mean it was perfect. It is possible that things could go south some time later without the incident. Just stating reality: possible.

    Post again, if you’d like. What about the bad things happening in your life in the past three years, things not related to him? What is the reason you wanted some kind of separation from him to begin with??? How was he then in your way of dealing with those bad things?

    anita

    #87466
    iAmJay
    Participant

    I hope you said sorry, I hope he knows what you have done, thing that makes it worse is the fact that you keep on chasing him. You cant put him through that and still make it all about you.
    How its “unfortunate for you” how your the frigging victim.
    If you loved him, and had no motive behind your “break” and you just wanted to catch up on life, would you not want to share that time with the one true love of your life? If you genuinely wanted that time to make up for missed time, why did you fill that ever so important time obtaining an sti? Ain’t as though you were using that break to experience anything apart from another lads bed.
    Is that also why you felt the need to make point that you didn’t wanna break up? Whys that in question if that’s the case? You are a hypocrite, you will end up cheating on him if you haven’t already, I can assure you normal people don’t do this stuff, especiallynot to loved ones, you have no self respect, I’m even more shocked you’d do it too your self.
    Sti’s ruin lives and kill, you could have ruined chances to have children, more importantly, your ex partners chances.
    Give your head a wobble.

    #87470
    Dernell
    Participant

    EVERY BODY MAKES MISTAKES”……….

    Some worse” than others”, none-the-less still mistakes”… no ones perfect’… That’s the problem with the world today”…

    I’m tired of people” bashing” you down” for it”…or being cyber bullies”……….. who gives them the right” to even judge”…..You already feel” guilty’ and really hurt” about what you” have done”….

    For every action’… there’s a reaction”….

    And because of that, you’re going to have to expect verbal” slander from people”… If the shoes were turned around”, you might feel the same” way that they” do…. who knows”…

    I’m sad” to read that this has happened”… so please” just learn from it”… and move” on….You can not undo the do”…..

    But” right now actions” are better” than words”… meaning stay away” from your ex…. maybe get him a card”… and write him a true” sincere” apology”…. but keep it simple”…meaning only a paragraph”…and not a word” over”…

    ( And nothing about the relationship” )…… At all nothing”…..

    Then I would apologize” to his family”….no joke”…mother and father”…face to face”…

    Learn to LOVE” YOURSELF”…………………….and let time heel….

    You are still a…. person/ human/ women/ sister/ aunt/ grandaughter/ etc…….. who still should be showed LOVE” and treated” with KINDNESS”…..Just as much as you have fault”… in this…so is there some truth”…

    There is always” 3 sides to the story”… and the third is the truth”….

    Please” don’t let peoples rude views” about you, cause you” to hurt “yourself”… Enough damage” has already been done”….

    IT takes courage” and humility” to even express” something so serious” like that on here”….

    Take care of yourself” and from this point” on…. RESPECT” yourself” and so on to OTHERS”….

    Love to all”….

    #87504
    TriangleSun
    Participant

    Yes, everyone makes mistakes. This doesn’t mean that you will be forgiven by the other person involved for each mistake you make. Unfortunately what you have done will be very difficult if not impossible to forgive. I think you need to acknowledge your mistake, learn from it and try to move on. As long as you learn from it and forgive yourself everything will be fine.

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