Sad, numb, and disappointed..over it all.

Foster mom has been having health problems as usual..personally feel like her body’s just on the decline, and preparing for shut down..

Honestly she’s probably ready for the next phase of life..and a possible release and perhaps extension..

She barely eats and have zest or an appetite for food…she doesn’t enjoy food. Also she feels like something undiagnosed in her body is preventing her from fully indulging. She can barely eat a half of sandwich, and her stomach always hurts.

She’s been visiting the hospital for arthritic flare-up. 2 weeks ago her left hand swelled up, was very painful, and left her unable to do much, nor sleep well. It has gone down since wearing a wrist brace.

Her family treats her like a child and reprimand and chastise her for being unable to eat properly. I’m the only one who understands that it’s something she isn’t intentionally doing this. Her body is refusing her access to proper nutrition.

They threaten to force feed her or send her someplace that will.

During those times, she feels depressed, guilty, and feels obligated to not let her family down…so she tries to force herself to eat more even long after she’s full…then she winds up with a massive stomach ache and cramping.

I always tell her to do the best she can. To stop when she’s full. I do not believe in trying to force and threaten her to eat.

When she questions about her allowed diet instructed by her doctor ..I tell her she can eat whatever and whenever she wants to eat…as her doctor agreed.

Even if she were doing this intentionally, I still wouldn’t agree to that.

Maybe she would just want to wither away as quickly as prohibited. She’s tired of life.

There’s nothing for her in life to look forward to anymore.

Another once very physically, outgoing, and socially active person, reduced to only going out for hospital appointments, in bed most of the day watching TV, not really wanting to have visitors or calls from anyone…is just sad..

..so is life

The foods she use to be able to tolerate and digest, she has to avoid. Yesterday she accused me of leaving food outside the refrigerator and not promptly storing it.. because her stomach became upset after eating something.

She’s just tired, exhausted, depressed, and confused sometimes because her memory, cognitive abilities, and retention span has dwindled down significantly..she is unaware of the fact the doctors have thought her to have mixed dementia for some time now..

I would never tell her, and I hope no one else does.. as it won’t do anything positive for her, it will just further escalate her depression.

It immensely saddens me, that if I exist another 10 years or more…she probably won’t be around any longer.

Even though she hasn’t been the greatest towards me…i do love her…and it saddens me to see her in such a state..

so is life.

The guy who ghosted me almost 6 months ago, saw him while hurriedly rushing inside the house.. walked past me and had the audacity to ask me why he hadn’t heard from me in almost 5 months ago. I really got heated, tried to control myself but failed.. I said that he knew why.

He told me that I had stopped talking to him so he stopped sending me messages.

I told him that he was being untruthful and shifting blame to victimize and pacify himself..

I went in the house..Unfortunately even when blocking people on my phone, their phone calls and messages go to an accessible spam folder. ..

I had blocked him awhile ago after the ghosting incident, but later that night, I discovered that he sent me a message saying that I know that he’s bankrupt, and could I lend him some money.

I didn’t know that and that’s not my problem.
I didn’t respond..

I am very hurt, angry, sad and feeling used.

This guy spent almost a year lying, “future faking” and I guess “love bombing”, only to ghost me almost 6 months ago…and now he’s trying to ease himself back into my life and scam me.

I feel saddened. I did love him. He made me believe he wanted me and wanted a long term future with me. I spent months crying, venting online, and wishing he would come back…I feel just worn out and numb.

I feel like it’s my fault and that I’m somehow cursed that makes people not genuinely care for me and try to use me.

All my life I’ve been wanting people to genuinely include me, accept, want, and love me..

All I get are fakers and users.

Foster mom’s family came again despite her not wanting company..they stayed 2 hours too long for she and I. She was tired and didn’t feel like company..but would never deny any of them visitation.

She just complains to me about not really wanting company. I told her she should tell them that. She won’t.

As they were outside leaving, her grand daughter who’s 29 with 3 children, a husband, moving into a house in another state, and who is genuinely happy turned towards the window I was watching them from, towards me, and gave me a look of pity and shame.

She pities me. They all look at me with pity, shame, and embarrassment ..

This is the first time I’ve seen her in years, and the first time I’ve seen that look in her eyes.

It has haunted me, and made me feel worse than I already do about myself.

She’s going places where I’m not nor will ever in life.

The lifetime of damage has long been done to me..and i am not repairable.

Trying to get my weight and diet under control..Due to stress, depression, anxieties, and probably perimenopause…I have been failing miserably.

For many years I haven’t had much of an appetite, but I forced myself to eat….and when I do, I overeat and bing..and I eat things I don’t like qnd normally wouldn’t eat.

Yesterday I ate 6 Snickers ice cream bars, 2 party sized bags of white cheddar popcorn, and 2 Danish pasteries..

Smh..I am not even a snack and junk food liker. I felt sick but kept eating.

so is life…