Hi there TinyBuddha,

So I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a few months now (we’re both 20, in college), and things have been otherwise good – we both enjoy each others’ presence, feel really comfortable talking about things, and have a very open and communication-based relationship. I’m a guy, more of extrovert who doesn’t feel terribly bothered engaging with people in social situations. She’s a little bit more on the anxious side, though she has no problem talking with her friends and others. Recently, though, her anxiety has reared its ugly head, but the difference is that I’m the cause.

It’s weird, because I’ve done so much research to try and figure out what that really means. She says she feels anxious around me, or, in her words, “It’s not you, it’s just how you are around others” that makes her anxious. For example: a few weeks ago, I met her while she was working at her job (circulation desk in a library). We were chatting and catching up, when one of my friends walked over and greeted us. I started talking to her and catching up – but then a group of 4-5 people (whom I all knew) happened to pass by in a group. They came over and started talking with me too. Then a couple more friends came and saw me – we had a little party going by that point. I’m usually pretty perceptive, and noticed that my girlfriend had slightly withdrawn – but she told me recently that she hasn’t felt that anxious since she was in high school (when her anxiety was REALLY bad.) She’s feeling more anxious now, and she says she wasn’t feeling any of this until we started dating. It’s like I’m a lighthouse, calling in all the boats of anxiety, and she feels helpless to stop it. I’m devastated and want to work with her on it somehow – but she says she’s not sure she can keep this up.

Basically, this is from a collection of experiences – just whenever we’re together, and there are groups of people I know who come by, inevitably we strike up a quick conversation. She’s told me that she is starting to feel anxious just thinking about me, because she doesn’t know my friends all that well, while I know most of hers pretty well. I’m not sure if it’s that she wants to know who I’m talking with (I am not a player by any chance, I respect women and this is known on campus), or if it’s some other issue (maybe low self-esteem? She’s a beautiful, amazing person and she hasn’t shown anything that would suggest that). I’m just really sad, because I really see potential in this relationship to go long-term, be we can’t seem to get over this barrier. She already seems to be putting up emotional barriers, because she says she doesn’t want to be wasting my time loving her if she feels incapable of reciprocating. I am sad and lost and I don’t want to lose her.

Is there anything I could tell her, someone I could talk to, or something I could consult? Or is this relationship doomed? I’ve run out of options, and I’m running out of time. Any help would be so appreciated! I am open to answering questions you all might have. Thank you!!