April 26, 2019 at 6:45 am #291353
I am a 24 year old female. I have social anxiety and what feels like depression. I will start with my anxiety. To put it short, I have NO friends. Although I do have an amazing boyfriend!
Last year I pushed away my last friend. Now I have no one. I have done this to myself because I feel boring, dull and stupid. I never have anything interesting to say about myself or to talk about. At work I’ve NEVER made a friend. In fact I’m pretty sure heaps of people have hated me at past jobs because I am so shy and anxious it comes off rude. But it’s at the point where I would prefer to just seem rude rather than dealing with the horrible feelings anxiety suffers feel when trying to talk to someone..
I am okay at the crap small talk..but I don’t let people see the real me. It makes me soo sad because when I had friends they said I am unique, funny and fun. Now any word I say to anyone, I second guess it. I stumble on words and my sentences are poorly worded. I go blank when it’s my turn to talk about anything,and I can never get my point across even when I know what I mean in my head. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and hardly know his friends. At the start of anything whether it be my study, a new job or meeting my boyfriends friends, I force myself to go in with a fresh mind. I tell myself ‘They don’t know who I am so maybe this is my chance to finally turn things around for myself and build a more confident inner self’. I smash the small talk and think ‘hey maybe I am finally getting better’! But after the 2nd time, and it goes no where because I just can’t open up.. Then because it goes no where I repeat my past patterns and just don’t try. Saying hello even feels hard and I just seem like a snobby bitch. I’ve only just started to not get hot and sweaty when my boyfriends parents talk to me… 3 years in.. FORGET his bigger family events. I make any reason not to go, because if I do I just end up having a panic attack in the bathroom and crying, and ruining his night. I feel like a terrible girlfriend. I see the girls in his group that go out for food and stuff, and it makes me sad beyond belief. I see new girlfriends introduced to his group and make friends with the girls while I sit with my boyfriend and cling to him. I know it’s not healthy to have him as my only friend.. I wish I could make even just ONE friend.. I don’t go to events with him anymore. He’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t invite me because he knows I will ruin both of our nights. I would rather site at home alone on the weekend in bed rather than crying in someone else’s bathroom.
I also have this issue where I actually hate humans and people actually bore me. I have such high expectations of people. This is one reason my friendship groups were always small. People piss me off so easily, I have so much anger inside of me. I hate people with shit morals.. like girls who are slutty or bitchy towards other girls or EVEN smoke. I feel like I am very judgemental but also very nice at the same time. Like I am just honest and blunt and mean well. I don’t go out of my way to be a bitch, but if needed to defend myself I can be a bitch. I mind my own business! I have this weird thing where I think I am better than most people, but at the same time think I am the biggest piece of shit. And I do not understand it….
Which brings me to my depression…
Since high school ended (7 years ago now) I have been struggling so hard with what to do with my life..Reality HIT ME HARD… I have never been smart. I am more creative. I have major issues with my self confidence and I KNOW this stems from when I was little. I’ve never been a good at using the right side of my brain. I remember at school when I was young when asked to read I would cry from embarrassment. The school never picked up on my slow learning so I fell through the cracks. I used to write Christmas wish lists, and I spelt a lot wrong. So my dad jokingly wrote ‘dictionary’, and then actually bought me a dictionary.. He would also get angry at me for not being as smart as my sisters. My sisters also used to tease me about how much of a slow learner I was. My dad was defiantly mentally abusive to my whole family. My older sister tried to kill herself and blamed it on my dad. This tore my family apart, we are talking my grandparents hating my dad ever since and my sister and him not talking. Fast forward through years of stressing every single day about what to do with my life..feeling SO much pressure, and being conflicted between being successful with money or being successful with happiness .. I know they say that if you do what you love, work wont feel like work.. But I don’t know what I would love to do. I have just started studying interior design, but i feel shit at it and can’t see myself doing it as a career.
I have felt like for years I am at a crossroads..I know being in your 20’s is hard for everyone. But I feel like such a failure. I finally picked a course to study and everyone is so proud of me. But I think I want to quit. I had to do an oral presentation and had a panic attack and just didn’t go.. I think maybe I am weak and lazy and don’t want to actually work hard for anything. And the truth is, I cant be bothered.. I can not be stuffed trying to build a life for myself because my life will shit no matter what I do. I feel like whatever I choose a career in, I will be at the bottom of it and just be a joke and try hard. I’ve been finding it hard to go to work because what is the point? I’m just going to work to afford food to eat and afford to bills to survive…. But I hate living so what is the point? Life is boring. There is no joy in it apart from my pets and my boyfriend. You work, you eat, you sleep, if you’re lucky enough you will go on a holiday.. and you do this every day until you die.
I love being active and keeping fit, going on walks makes me the happiest. But as soon as i get home i feel shit again. I wish I could just be in nature always. I’ve lost the real me, but I know deep down I am very spiritual and ‘hippy like’. I do yoga and stuff which helps me overall.. but some days are worse than others and some days i don’t even feel like i deserve food let alone physical activity. I tell myself mean stuff in my head from the second I wake up until I fall asleep crying.
I love animals and feel like my happy place is living in a lush green far away place from humans and my boyfriend and I own heaps of animals and they take up most of our time.. I honestly don’t enjoy any field of work.. I work in a dog kennel and the work is ok but the work load so heavy! The pay is bad and I we are underappreciated by the boss. I am financially struggling that I can’t even move out of home with my boyfriend.. I would love to save animals off the street, but that is charity work and you can’t making a living off that. Then this brings me to thoughts in my head of WHO CARES if I don’t have money..?! if I can make a tiny difference in an animals life then maybe that’s what I’m meant to do and I will be happy. I would also like to travel and do charity work for animals.. but i need money for that..But then I would love a life of luxury and nice things!!
I am angry at the world. I HATE the human race, I hate money and all the importance humans put on it. Money causes war. Humans are horrible to animals and I honestly wish we would get wiped out so the earth can repair itself.
I want to stop being angry and sad and anxious and have an energy that people are drawn to and be appreciative and content with my life because I know compared to so many others it is great and I am very lucky. ☹April 26, 2019 at 9:59 am #291395
“I actually hate humans… People piss me off so easily, I have so much anger inside of me…I am very judgmental but also very nice at the same time… I HATE the human race.. Humans are horrible”
And you wrote, “I can never get my point across even when I know what I mean in my head”-
I understand that you live with your parents and you can’t tell them what you really think, having to block your anger at them, act nice. If you could say anything you wanted to say just as you think it, just as you feel it, what would you say to your father, to your mother, to any of your sisters?
If you want to do this exercise, to type away what you would say to these individuals, separately, one at a time, do so, type away without editing and then submit.
If you do, I will read and reply further.
anitaApril 27, 2019 at 9:11 pm #291553
In order for others to love you, you have to love yourself. You aren’t boring. No one is. We all have a story to tell, and you are telling yours. You just wrote a very personal and compassion provoking blog highlighting the issues you are dealing with. Find your best assets and interests and build a blossoming, love-filled self. The more you have self-love, the more you will be able to see the good in others.
Don’t be afraid to seek out a good therapist or spiritual group that will affirm your loving self. Meditation and Yoga are great tools to find clarity into our lives, and start the self compassion process while finding grace and peace with our shadow self of negative emotions and judgements. Journaling is also an effective tool in finding insights into our behavior, and helps to nurture love and compassion in our lives. Find time to nurture your love of nature and animals, which will help you to find your inner confidence and joy. And also find a way to work in a profession you like which fills your heart with joy. It isn’t always easy finding the right career, but if it is a profession you have a passion for, it will change the outlook of your whole life. Self-Love and happiness are there, but they are hiding behind a cloud of critical judgements and negative thinking. Allow YOUR beautiful light to shine through. It is there!