Hi Ladybug!

What you’re going through sounds similar to what I am, but kind of in reverse. For the last 12 or so years(I’m 30 now) I’ve been a pretty bitter person, but over the last couple months(and lots of inner work!) I’ve felt like I’ve begun to really open up which I believe is a more accurate representation of my authentic self. It sounds like where I started out cold and bitter, you started out warm and bubbly, and we’ve moved towards the opposite pole as we became more authentic. In both cases, it sounds like a case of regression towards the mean, where our starting points were unhealthy levels that couldn’t be maintained and we moved towards greater balance.

In a previous post you said “I find myself to be bitter a lot (I oddly feel really good feeling like this, but at the same time I don’t want to feel this way forever).” What is it bout feeling bitter that makes you feel good? Are you able to identify why this mood is causing you to feel happiness? If you’re really honest with yourself, you might find some interesting answers there.

As for dealing with fakeness, I usually just try to avoid situations where it might show up. I try to remember empathy and compassion for others, and I remind myself that I can only control my actions/way of thinking, not other people’s. When you observe how fake your family is, keep in mind that not that long ago you were also acting fake; while you’ve moved ahead, they may not be ready(they might never be) to leave that fakeness behind because they feel it’s good for them in some way. From a different perspective, is it possible that you’re family may actually be content with their own situations and that you are projecting your own emotions onto them? Finally, what if you interacted with your family as your authentic self, regardless of how they currently are? It might encourage them over time to act more authentic themselves. I think this quote by Marianne Williamson says it best:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

In any case, it sounds like you are doing really well in your journey to authenticity. I’m sure that as you keep moving along your path, the bitterness will fade and you will find happiness!

This is my first post ever. I hope it helped!

Ladybug,

Just a thought, after reading your post from April 4: While I can identify with your new journey to authenticity, I can also identify with your mom just a bit. As the mother of an 18-year old daughter, I walk a thin line between being authentic around her and being a role model. If I come home after a crappy day at work, I tend to put on a happy face and set my worries aside as best I can before greeting her for the evening. On the one hand, I suppose that does make me fake, but on the other hand, I don’t believe parents should burden their children with the stresses of their daily life. As much as I would love to be her friend, she’s still my daughter and I have responsibilities to her in that role first.

I once heard it said that the scariest thing to a child is to see their parent NOT in control. Now, I’m certain that by now my daughter has figured out I’m not always in control, but I do still try to project an image of stability and calm around her – to give her consistency and a feeling of security in her life at home. Conversely, while I don’t always expect her to be happy and cheerful, I am on the lookout for drastic changes in her personality because I know she may not always confide in me when she’s dealing with something worrisome in her world. She worries about “disappointing” me and doesn’t always tell me the whole truth.

So yes, when you write it out the way I have above, it makes it sound like my daughter and I are engaged in a huge scam – never really being completely honest with the other about how we are feeling in life. In truth, it just takes time to change the way we see each other from our current adult/child role to a new adult/adult role – and to learn to trust each other in that role as well.

The fact that your mom has zero’d in on the changes in your mood is (maybe) a sign she’s worried about you. Have you considered sitting down with her to just tell her how you feel? You must do what feels right for you, but you might be surprised to hear her tell you she completely understands. If you were my daughter, I’d want to know what was in your head, rather than imagining any number of other things it might be. Just a thought. Keep being true to yourself no matter what. Hugs. 🙂