Dear Pavel:

You feel a parabatai bond with Lukas. A parabatai is “a pair of Nephilim warriors who fight together as lifelong partners, bound together by oath, regardless of their gender”, an online source reads. “Nephilim” are mysterious beings or people mentioned in the Hebrew Bible, large and strong, loosely translated as giants large and strong people, says an online source.

Reads like you feel very strongly for Lukas. You asked if  “this is a normal thing to experience”- I say: it is normal to feel strongly for another person and to want to be with that other person for life, regardless of gender.

How did he hurt you?

You have a lot to handle: being addicted to drugs, suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder with psychosis and mania. Are you receiving professional help?

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by .

Dear Pavel,

He started a fire, massive explosion of emotions nobody did before and then he left.

After he asked for your phone number, did he call you? And what happened then?

It could be that the fire you’re experiencing is because you felt seen and understood by him, like you’ve never felt seen and understood before:

We had really intense conversation about our life storylines, favorite books and movies, drug and psychosis experiences (he has schizophrenia). We talked about life and death. About purpose and legacy.

If we feel seen and understood by someone, it can make us massively attracted to them. You feel you might have some type of brotherly bond with him, you perhaps felt a certain “remembrance” of your spiritual mission and purpose. All that could make him incredibly attractive to you.

He, I believe, was just a trigger, a catalyst, for you to start feeling yourself and your deepest yearnings more deeply. The goal is not necessarily to engage in a relationship with him – which as you said, is not healthy – but to start exploring yourself more deeply. It’s great you’re going to rehab, that’s the first step…

If you’d like to share some more about your life and the pain that you’ve experienced, you’re welcome to do so…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Tee.

Dear Pavel:

I am glad to read that you will be attending rehab in a month.

In your original post you asked: “Please, just tell me this is a normal thing to experience”

You described the following as what you experienced: “I fell in love.. I crashed… I am lost. Can not sleep because of this person.. we ‘officially me’ at the end of February.. we were on drugs, Methamphetamine… He started a fire, massive explosion of emotions… I quit my job, slowly losing my apartment, my cat, my friends. Only because one person. This is definitely not healthy type of relationship”-

– my answer to your original question, if all this is a normal thing to experience, is: no. It was not normal, and your experience was not “because one person”, Lukas, whose part in your life was very, very short, less than a month.

Your experience was because of Methamphetamine use. Methamphetamine is often used recreationally for its effects as a potent euphoriant and aphrodisiac qualities. What you experienced with Lukas was a result of drug-induced euphoria (pleasure, excitement, intense feelings of well-being), and drug-induced aphrodisiac qualities (increased sexual desire, pleasure, and behavior).

There is a subculture known as “party and play” which is based around sexual activity and methamphetamine use, prevalent, so I read, between men in major US cities. One of the problems of this practice is that after the long sexual encounters, the men crash (it fits with your description: “I fell in love.. I crashed”). The crash following the use of methamphetamine is very often severe and includes insomnia (trouble falling and/ or staying asleep) and hypersomnia (excessive daytime sleepiness).

This fits with what you wrote: “Can’t sleep”, and it is likely the reason why you lost your apartment, quit your job, etc.

It’s not that you “Can’t sleep because of him”, but that you can’t sleep because of your use of methamphetamine. It’s not a “Spiritual connection beyond generations”- it is the euphoric, stimulant and aphrodisiac effects of a potent and harmful drug.

I wish you a successful withdrawal from this drug, and appropriate treatment for what troubles you otherwise.

anita

Dear Pavel,

His brother died because of injecting metamphetamine, cancer and AIDS. He sees his brother in me. He was also bisexual.

My brother only used me as a sexual toy when I was a kid and he is definitely not straight, as I can say because I grew up with him and straight boy wouldn’t do what he did to me. So, he is probably pansexual.

We saw our brothers in each other. Drugs only made it more emotional. Brighter.

It appears you bonded over a similar life story, and a similar or related trauma, I dare say. You were sexually abused as a boy by your own brother, and Lukas’s brother died of drug abuse, cancer and AIDS. You see in him not just “a brother”, someone on a similar path as you, but you see your own brother, the person who abused you.

That’s why there was a strong sense of “recognition” and attraction towards him – because every abused child is seeking some closure to their trauma, and we’re often attracted to people who remind us of our abusers. We hope that this time round we can have a different experience with this person who abused and hurt us, but whom we also strangely love (because they are our family). Since Lukas reminds you of your brother, it’s possible that you saw the opportunity to finally solve that childhood trauma, to give it a different ending.

But the truth is that getting involved in a relationship with people who remind us of our abusers is only going to re-traumatize us, and hurt us more. The only way we can break free from trauma is therapy, to work with a professional who’ll help us properly go through all phases of grief and pain and come on the other side. Have you worked on your sexual abuse trauma in therapy already?

Dear Pavel:

It is nice of you, to place these smiley faces in your recent post, and to write to me that I don’t have to feel sorry for you, that bad life experiences make us stronger. I always admired people who care to not pass on their suffering to others.

I wrote to you that I am sorry that you were abused as a child, not because I was not abused, and as such, I have pity for someone who was abused, but because I was abused, and looking back, I can see the horror in my life back then, as a child. Childhood abuse is unfortunately common and it creates a lot of pain way into adulthood.

I am curious, on one hand you wrote that this man in your life is your destiny, but on the other hand, you “need to get rid of people like him”- do you mean that you need to get rid of .. your destiny?

anita