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Spiritual connection beyond generations

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  • #377893
    Pavel
    Participant

    Hi,

    I am writing to this website because I have experienced something very.. difficult to handle and process.

    I am a drug addicted person, having a borderline personality disorder with psychosis and manias. But I am also trying to live “healthy life”, I am doing yoga and meditation. Sometimes. Not regularly. I eat junk, but that is actually not the point of this topic.

    I felt in love. Hardly, deeply. I crashed. Now I even can not touch myself to please my.. urges, without thinking about that one single person. A guy. His name is Lukas. My name is Pavel. We are both men, I am bisexual, he is pansexual.

    I see my brother in him and he sees his brother in me. I think we might have some kind of parabatai bond (brother’s love), but I am not sure what that supposed to mean. I am lost. Can not sleep because of this person. Cried so many times, he hurt me so badly.

     

    Please, just tell me this is a normal thing to experience.

    #377898
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Pavel:

    You feel a parabatai bond with Lukas. A parabatai is “a pair of Nephilim warriors who fight together as lifelong partners, bound together by oath, regardless of their gender”, an online source reads. “Nephilim” are mysterious beings or people mentioned in the Hebrew Bible, large and strong, loosely translated as giants large and strong people, says an online source.

    Reads like you feel very strongly for Lukas. You asked if  “this is a normal thing to experience”- I say: it is normal to feel strongly for another person and to want to be with that other person for life, regardless of gender.

    How did he hurt you?

    You have a lot to handle: being addicted to drugs, suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder with psychosis and mania. Are you receiving professional help?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by anita.
    #377902
    Pavel
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am not even sure if I want to see him again in person. I love him, but his behaviour is messy. I know he feels something too – I am not stupid. But he is looking for simply pleasures – such as sex and drugs.

    He started a fire inside of me, something that is burning even after a month and a half – we “oficially met” at the end of February. But we were seeing each other since I was 15 on every second party – he is from the same town as I am.

    We had really intense conversation about our life storylines, favorite books and movies, drug and psychosis experiences (he has schizophrenia). We talked about life and death. About purpose and legacy. But we were on drugs. Metamfetamin.

    We were texting like for next two weeks, and he suddenly blocked me everywhere. FB, Instagram,.. And after 5 days he just send me a message saying: “give me your number, I’ll call you”.

    It was my last day of work that day.

    He started a fire, massive explosion of emotions nobody did before and then he left.

     

    I am going for a rehab in.. about one month from today. I need a big restart. It will take 3 months, but I am clean from everything except CBD and non-alcoholic beer.

    Maybe it was not his intention to hit me so hard and change everything around me, but he did it.

    I quit my job, slowly losing my apartment, my cat, my friends. Only because one person.

    This is definitely not healthy type of relationship.

     

    #377903
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Pavel,

    He started a fire, massive explosion of emotions nobody did before and then he left.

    After he asked for your phone number, did he call you? And what happened then?

    It could be that the fire you’re experiencing is because you felt seen and understood by him, like you’ve never felt seen and understood before:

    We had really intense conversation about our life storylines, favorite books and movies, drug and psychosis experiences (he has schizophrenia). We talked about life and death. About purpose and legacy.

    If we feel seen and understood by someone, it can make us massively attracted to them. You feel you might have some type of brotherly bond with him, you perhaps felt a certain “remembrance” of your spiritual mission and purpose. All that could make him incredibly attractive to you.

    He, I believe, was just a trigger, a catalyst, for you to start feeling yourself and your deepest yearnings more deeply. The goal is not necessarily to engage in a relationship with him – which as you said, is not healthy – but to start exploring yourself more deeply. It’s great you’re going to rehab, that’s the first step…

    If you’d like to share some more about your life and the pain that you’ve experienced, you’re welcome to do so…

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by TeaK.
    #377905
    Pavel
    Participant

    After he asked for your phone number, did he call you? And what happened then?

    Yeah, he did. After my shift. He said that he is “currently solving himself and breaking up with his girlfriend”.

    If we feel seen and understood by someone, it can make us massively attracted to them. You feel you might have some type of brotherly bond with him, you perhaps felt a certain “remembrance” of your spiritual mission and purpose. All that could make him incredibly attractive to you.

    Yeah, that sounds like a logical explenation of my feelings. Considering the fact that I can not (and don’t want to) imagine having sex with him, and I struggle with my own physical’s body urges. I need to let him go. But it’s really hard.

    If you’d like to share some more about your life and the pain that you’ve experienced, you’re welcome to do so…

    There is actually a little bit more of this story. After a week or so when we sometimes “chat” through social media, he called me what I am doing that night and if he and his girflriend and their other friend  can come over to chill out and drink. I was not sure, but I let them in.

    Their friend got so scared of energies that was present in my apartment, that she left to her home. His girlfriend wanted to beat me, punch me in the face. He had to calm her dawn.

    They wanted quick explenation of my, his and her feelings, which I gave them. Told him – “I don’t love you, you are like a brother to me”. Then they started to making out in my bathroom. It was not exactly.. comfortable for me.

    Have not seen him since that day. But he left me his ID card on my table, and we sometimes chat, even when now it is almost a week we did not change a word.

     

    #377910
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Pavel:

    I am glad to read that you will be attending rehab in a month.

    In your original post you asked: “Please, just tell me this is a normal thing to experience”

    You described the following as what you experienced: “I fell in love.. I crashed… I am lost. Can not sleep because of this person.. we ‘officially me’ at the end of February.. we were on drugs, Methamphetamine… He started a fire, massive explosion of emotions… I quit my job, slowly losing my apartment, my cat, my friends. Only because one person. This is definitely not healthy type of relationship”-

    – my answer to your original question, if all this is a normal thing to experience, is: no. It was not normal, and your experience was not “because one person”, Lukas, whose part in your life was very, very short, less than a month.

    Your experience was because of Methamphetamine use. Methamphetamine is often used recreationally for its effects as a potent euphoriant and aphrodisiac qualities. What you experienced with Lukas was a result of drug-induced euphoria (pleasure, excitement, intense feelings of well-being), and drug-induced aphrodisiac qualities (increased sexual desire, pleasure, and behavior).

    There is a subculture known as “party and play” which is based around sexual activity and methamphetamine use, prevalent, so I read, between men in major US cities. One of the problems of this practice is that after the long sexual encounters, the men crash (it fits with your description: “I fell in love.. I crashed”). The crash following the use of methamphetamine is very often severe and includes insomnia (trouble falling and/ or staying asleep) and hypersomnia (excessive daytime sleepiness).

    This fits with what you wrote: “Can’t sleep”, and it is likely the reason why you lost your apartment, quit your job, etc.

    It’s not that you “Can’t sleep because of him”, but that you can’t sleep because of your use of methamphetamine. It’s not a “Spiritual connection beyond generations”- it is the euphoric, stimulant and aphrodisiac effects of a potent and harmful drug.

    I wish you a successful withdrawal from this drug, and appropriate treatment for what troubles you otherwise.

    anita

    #377912
    Pavel
    Participant

    It was not normal, and your experience was not “because one person”, Lukas, whose part in your life was very, very short, less than a month.

    I have to disagree, because this person was with me when I started to “party”. We never talked much, but he was present. I was taking metamphetamine for a very long time, since end of August. Nobody did to me what he did during one night. Don’t tell me it’s just drugs.

    This is destiny.

    His brother died because of injecting metamphetamine, cancer and AIDS. He sees his brother in me. He was also bisexual.

    My brother only used me as a sexual toy when I was a kid and he is definitely not straight, as I can say because I grew up with him and straight boy wouldn’t do what he did to me. So, he is probably pansexual.

    We saw our brothers in each other. Drugs only made it more emotional. Brighter.

    and drug-induced aphrodisiac qualities (increased sexual desire, pleasure, and behavior)

    I also have to disagree. Since that day, I do not think about sex unless I have to, which is definitely not increasing sexual desire. More like.. decrease.

    It’s not that you “Can’t sleep because of him”

    If it is not because of him, then please tell me some scientific explenation why is this still happening to me even when I am sober from 25 March.

    #377914
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Pavel,

    His brother died because of injecting metamphetamine, cancer and AIDS. He sees his brother in me. He was also bisexual.

    My brother only used me as a sexual toy when I was a kid and he is definitely not straight, as I can say because I grew up with him and straight boy wouldn’t do what he did to me. So, he is probably pansexual.

    We saw our brothers in each other. Drugs only made it more emotional. Brighter.

    It appears you bonded over a similar life story, and a similar or related trauma, I dare say. You were sexually abused as a boy by your own brother, and Lukas’s brother died of drug abuse, cancer and AIDS. You see in him not just “a brother”, someone on a similar path as you, but you see your own brother, the person who abused you.

    That’s why there was a strong sense of “recognition” and attraction towards him – because every abused child is seeking some closure to their trauma, and we’re often attracted to people who remind us of our abusers. We hope that this time round we can have a different experience with this person who abused and hurt us, but whom we also strangely love (because they are our family). Since Lukas reminds you of your brother, it’s possible that you saw the opportunity to finally solve that childhood trauma, to give it a different ending.

    But the truth is that getting involved in a relationship with people who remind us of our abusers is only going to re-traumatize us, and hurt us more. The only way we can break free from trauma is therapy, to work with a professional who’ll help us properly go through all phases of grief and pain and come on the other side. Have you worked on your sexual abuse trauma in therapy already?

    #377915
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Pavel:

    I am so sorry that when you were a child, you were sexually abused by your brother, having been used like a sexual toy. That must have been a very difficult experience for you.

    You wrote that you disagree with my recent post to you: that what you experienced with this man during one night, and during a few conversations with him, has not been a result of the use of methamphetamines, but a result of destiny and a spiritual connection beyond generations.

    You then asked me regarding your inability to sleep: “please tell me some scientific explanation why is this still happening to me even when I am sober from 25 March”-

    – I am sure that there is a scientific explanation, and that you can read about it online. But I doubt that science can be stronger than your need to believe that the night with this man & conversation was destiny. There is a feeling of comfort for you, in this belief. I wouldn’t want to argue against what brings you comfort.

    anita

    #377918
    Pavel
    Participant

    Dear TeaK,
    Yes. Similar life story, trauma, childhood negative experience is what connected us so fast. That’s probably the reason why I can’t get him of my head.. he is just an abuser. But, I am a giver. Healer. He only attacks. And takes.

    It is probably a good thing that we don’t talk that much anymore. I need to get rid of people like him. And trust me, there is a lot of fallen angels and demons around me these days..

    But the truth is that getting involved in a relationship with people who remind us of our abusers is only going to re-traumatize us, and hurt us more. 

    Yeah, I have to agree with this. It was beautiful connection, but he ruined my world, my reality, my stability, in just few weeks. It probably does not look like it, but I am usually emotionally stable. Can not really.. feel much. And this was so real it broke my heart into pieces.

    Have you worked on your sexual abuse trauma in therapy already?

    I opened this topic with psychologist, who worked in England (I studied there and ended up at Mental Health Clinic). We gave it a lot of space. I cried a lot. But I think it is something I need to work on more in the future. Probably open that topic in a group during my therapist session on rehab.

    Thank you, you really helped me to solve this mess somehow. At least a bit. 🙂

    #377919
    Pavel
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am sure that there is a scientific explanation, and that you can read about it online. But I doubt that science can be stronger than your need to believe that the night with this man & conversation was destiny. There is a feeling of comfort for you, in this belief. I wouldn’t want to argue against what brings you comfort.

    There sure is. Maybe I will define this in the future. 🙂 Science is a good servant, but bad master. There are things beyond our understanding. Describe love, for example. Is there any equasion for it? Don’t think so. Is there a theory, hypotese or something that proves on which factors people fall in love? Not sure. And if it is, it is probably a pice of crap. 😀

    Anyway, thank you for your reply. You gave me a little bit different point of view on the whole situation.

    And honestly, you do not have to be sorry for me. Bad life experiences make us stronger. 🙂

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by Pavel.
    #377922
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Pavel:

    It is nice of you, to place these smiley faces in your recent post, and to write to me that I don’t have to feel sorry for you, that bad life experiences make us stronger. I always admired people who care to not pass on their suffering to others.

    I wrote to you that I am sorry that you were abused as a child, not because I was not abused, and as such, I have pity for someone who was abused, but because I was abused, and looking back, I can see the horror in my life back then, as a child. Childhood abuse is unfortunately common and it creates a lot of pain way into adulthood.

    I am curious, on one hand you wrote that this man in your life is your destiny, but on the other hand, you “need to get rid of people like him”- do you mean that you need to get rid of .. your destiny?

    anita

    #377945
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Pavel,

    you’re welcome, I am glad you connected some of the dots.

    It is probably a good thing that we don’t talk that much anymore. I need to get rid of people like him. And trust me, there is a lot of fallen angels and demons around me these days..

    Yes, better not to get involved deeper and try to resist the temptation to get in touch with him, because you know it’ll only leave you hurt and crushed. I myself have never tried drugs but I imagine it can open you up to a lot of astral stuff, demons and suchlike. How is it now that you’re sober, are you still haunted by astral experiences?

    I am usually emotionally stable. Can not really.. feel much. And this was so real it broke my heart into pieces.

    If you usually can’t feel much, it’s more likely you’re suppressing/numbing your emotions, i.e. numbing the pain. With him, all those suppressed emotions burst open, because he re-activated the trauma in a way, re-activated those childhood memories. And the pain just overwhelmed you, because it was the current pain, which you felt in relation to him, augmented by the childhood pain. It’s like the Pandora box of pain and hurt got open…

    It’s a good idea to continue to work on the sexual abuse trauma during your rehab. Probably your drug use is also related to that trauma, so it makes sense to work on it together.

     

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by TeaK.
    #377970
    Pavel
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I think in these dark times, we need to be as optimistic as possible. I believe it is the only way how to survive.

    Sorry, I did not know you have personal experience with this kind of stuff. It is definitely something that leaves marks, after days, months, years, decades. It is not something I like to talk about, but I should learn to talk about it more if I want to have healthy relationships one day.

    I am curious, on one hand you wrote that this man in your life is your destiny, but on the other hand, you “need to get rid of people like him”- do you mean that you need to get rid of .. your destiny?

    I need to get rid of people like Lukas, my brother and some of my friends. Their energy is in discrepancy with my soul. They only take. Does not matter what – if my energy, drugs, or my body. They want to feed their urges and I need to find someone, who will put their needs on the same level as mine.

    #377971
    Pavel
    Participant

    Yes, better not to get involved deeper and try to resist the temptation to get in touch with him, because you know it’ll only leave you hurt and crushed. 

    I said goodbye, I blocked him, now I need to.. lick my wounds. It is not easy. But he only made everything worse.

    How is it now that you’re sober, are you still haunted by astral experiences?

    I always were. As a little child, in my teens years, and even now, in my adulthood. Maybe more than ever before.

    I see beyond my life. In a.. bigger meaning. I have to fight, never-ending battle against darkness that tries to consume my soul. Fortunately, there is a lot of light in there, so it is not easy to choke me. But sometimes, a demon with face of an angel cross my way and stab me in the back few times.

    Sorry, if you expected more complex answer, but it is not something that is easy to describe. I feel devil’s presence when I have my psychotic attacks. He tries to silent me. Driving me so crazy hoping I lose myself forever.

    It is kinda funny you call it Pandora’s box. I called it the same way in a certain chapter of my life.

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