I’ve been struggling with something for over a year now that I can’t seem to shake. I keep wondering if this is a spiritual or mental health issue. I met someone a few years ago and felt a connection to him. He was engaged to another person at the time so I never thought that anything would ever come of it in that way, so I tried to let it go. At that time, I was in a major transition in my own life and very much alone (still am) and would like to have someone in my life, if it is meant to be part of my life journey in this lifetime, but not actually trying to make that happen.
I have on occasion meditated on this – making sure that who comes into my life is “the one” and this gentlemen’s name comes to me in a whisper. It comes to me in the manner that my spirit guides have spoke to me in the past – not from my thoughts, but from a whisper in the back of my head. I shook it off each time because he was engaged to another and we barely know each other, other than living and working in the same general rural communities – not the same social circle or workplace, even. His initials pop up in so many places when my mind wanders about nothing and everything at the same time (usually while driving).
Recently, the engagement ended abruptly. I am not trying to start a relationship with him and I’ve had crushes before in my younger days – and this is very different. I’m not trying – I don’t consciously think about him (or seek him out). We still bump into each other on occasion, but he still pops up in my mind on a regular basis without any conscious effort and recently, I started feeling this longing to just see him, again, out of nowhere. I’ll be working on a document at work and this ache just comes over me.
I am lonely, I get that. I’m middle-aged, single and spend a lot of time taking care of my elderly parents and disabled sibling. I don’t have much of a social life, am quite the introverted thinker and not really that attractive (not a low self-esteem thing, just reality), but that has always been the case for me and I thoroughly appreciate my solitude. I am a healer of sorts, meditate and follow the paths my spirit guides lay out for me. I have always been like that – the only thing that has changed over the years is the fact that I have taken on more and more caretaking responsibilities for family members. Nothing has really changed for me emotionally – other than maneuvering through a new life stage (and surely not the mid-life crisis – did that and recovered from it during COVID). I don’t know if I am spiritually connected to this individual or this is just a side effect of the caretaker’s loneliness. One day, even, was watching a work-related webinar, and just felt this overwhelming desire to kiss him passionately. It came out of nowhere – was focused on the presentation (ok I do admit it was boring and I was drifting off to sleep a little), then all of a sudden, there it was. Very distracting – as are these intrusive feelings that just come out of nowhere when I’m meditating or doing mundane tasks like washing dishes or driving long distance.
There is no real social connection between the two of us and we barely ever talk to one another when we are in the same area in public other than Hi How are you? Nice weather. It’s been a few years of this back and forth, emotionally, but the intensity seems to be building. It’s difficult to seek help from a mental health professional, especially when they have limited understanding of the spiritual aspect to our temporary existence on this physical plane. I don’t know if this is a past life connection, soulmate thing or just plain old mental/emotional on my part. I also have been overthinking this lately and just would like some insight from outside of my head to sort this out. How I deal with this will best be determined by understanding what is causing it – which is why I am posting this in the hopes that there is some nugget of wisdom out there that will help me pick a direction to go in from here. Any insight is very much appreciated.