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Still depressed about broken engagement 2.5 years later

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  • June 13, 2017 at 2:10 pm #153016
    dreaming715
    Participant

    I was in a 5-year-long relationship from 2009-2014. I lived with my ex-fiance for 4 of those years and we adopted a dog together. The last year we were together we were engaged and planning a wedding (we set our date, put the down deposit on our venue, got engagement pictures taken, I purchased my wedding dress, we bought our wedding bands together, etc…). At the end we were going through a stressful time (mostly financial and health issues), but I was blind-sided when he said he didn’t want to get married anymore and wanted to leave.

    It’s 2.5 years later and I’m still, literally STILL heartbroken when I think about everything that happened. The funny thing is, I don’t long for this person anymore, I long for the feeling and the idea of what we had. At that time, he was my best friend. I’m not very close with my family because they live four hours away, but I saw his family often and became quite close with them. We also shared the same friend group from college.

    When we broke-up, I experienced a lot of loss. I lost my love and my best friend. A family. I lost my dog who went to live with relatives because I couldn’t afford to care for him on my own. I lost friends.

    I currently live alone in a small studio apartment. There has been a lot of loss, but I did gain someone special in my life- my current boyfriend who I’ve been dating for 1 year. Our relationship has progressed at an incredibly slow pace though. Our 1 year anniversary (of dating) is next week and he will be meeting my family for the first time this weekend and I’ll also be going over to his family’s house for the first time this weekend. I wanted this to happen around the 6 month mark of us dating, but he wasn’t ready at the time and now he says he is. I respected his feelings and waited 6 more months until he was ready.

    I believe my current boyfriend does love me, but it’s been a challenge because he puts an emphasis on taking things extremely slow (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but waiting 1 year to meet my family was starting to push it for me). He’s also extremely independent and I don’t know why this bothers me, but he does not generally utilize the word, “we.” For example, he was texting with his friend for directions and when we arrived and walked in the door together he said, “I finally made it!” Or we’ll be talking about weekend plans and he’ll start saying, “I’m going to the mall to get a new pair of work shoes.” I become confused and ask, “Oh- did you want to go alone? Or did you want company?” And he’ll say “Yeah we can go together.”

    Maybe after a 5-year-long relationship I’m used to my life being shared with someone and it became second-nature to use the word “we.” I’m the second longest relationship my current boyfriend has had and his longest relationship ended years ago. He has also never lived with a significant other before… so the whole serious relationship thing seems very new to him.

    I wish he would let me in more so we could have a deeper connection. I really yearn for that close partnership where it feels like you and your significant other are a team and best friends. I think we’re getting there. It’s just a very slow process.

    So yes, I miss aspects of the life I used to have. The connection with my significant other, our families, and friend groups. I want to eventually live with my boyfriend. I want to have our own little “family” (whether that be with a pet or kids eventually). I’m tired of sitting here alone in this apartment.

    June 13, 2017 at 3:55 pm #153024
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Dreaming715,

    Please don’t be too hard for still thinking about your ex-fiance. It takes a long time. Some people it takes 6 months, (how they do that, I don’t know, it’s like they go from rebound relationship to rebound relationship, which can’t be healthy) others it takes a year, others it takes 3 years, me..well it took me almost four years to get over my first love. And another 4 years to get over a man I fell very much in love with back in 1997.

    Even though, we no longer long, for that person anymore, it’s the memories that make it so difficult to move on. These are memories of when times were simpler, when you were happy and in love, you had your life and future invested with this man, you even bought a dog together, then suddenly, it all goes away, leaving you in shock. That takes in itself a very long time to get over. You think about all the wonderful life events with this man, saw a future with him, it is natural to go through the grieving process you are going through.

    So many people try to fight or suppress these thoughts, but that is the worst thing you can do, it’s like telling your brain not to think about a pink elephant for 15 seconds, our brains are naturally going to think about the pink elephant. Just like you will think about all the wonderful memories shared with this man, the “what could have been” the “what could I have done better” the “if only”. These are only thoughts. If they start to overwhelm you, write it down on a piece of paper before you go to bed, or write it to him (but don’t mail it). You will find that one day, you will wake up not thinking about it anymore. Just be patient, it will come. Just know they are just thoughts, and they will disappear along with the emotion, usually in about 15 seconds.

    As far as the man right now, he seems a little confused about relationships, an emotional connection, and it makes you feel a little isolated and lonely in the relationship. That is nnormal, but after a year, I think he should be referring to you as a couple, and you are right, a year is an awfully long time to introduce you to his parents. I would have a talk with him, ask him if he sees a future with you. Maybe he is not ready for a commited relationship at this time or gun shy because of his past. But I would sit down with him and tell him how it makes you feel when he does not include you as part of a couple and see what he says. Let me know your thoughts and keep us posted.

     

    June 13, 2017 at 7:34 pm #153040
    Jennifer
    Participant

    Hello dreaming715,

    Although I cannot relate to your long-term engagement and relationship, I can understand your frustration and dependency to find your definition of love. The beauty of the past is knowing you once had something special and I’m sure as heartbreaking and devasting the breakup was, you probably and will always love your ex-fiance because he was once a part of your happiness and life. I believe you have to accept that nothing last “forever” and instead of trying to relive the love you had with this new boyfriend you should reevaluate and figure out what exactly “YOU” want for yourself instead of trying to work and change someone to fit somebody you were once happy with if that makes sense.

    Trust me because I use to be like that where I would compare my new relationship to be great like the last one or hoping they provide that love and security that someone once did for me and to be honest it’s really not fair for that new person. The more you pressure them into being someone that they’re not for your sake, the more you will push them away. If you pressure your current boyfriend to rush into a marriage he will resent you because he’s trying to do what he thinks is best for him and it’ll eventually lead him to breaking things off and you’ll have a repeat of your past. So instead of asking why are they not ready or why can’t he be like this and that, just enjoy the moments you’ll are sharing together and give him time to open up with you. There’s no rush into anything and if you cannot stand the way he is right now then maybe you need to figure out what will be best for both of you’ll in the long run.

    It’s not easy because I know deep down you’re longing for that special someone to be with forever but I want to let you know that the only person that will always love you forever is yourself. Once you figure out your own happiness first and do things that you love it makes life easier not worrying over someone else. You want to find someone who you know inside and out and can trust to be with you and it starts with being happy with yourself. Someone will value you and love you for you but people will always change and so will you and you have to accept that the past is history and the future is a mystery so focus on the present because it’s a gift to enjoy that time you have now to be happy for yourself.

    If you want this current relationship to work out then I would suggest being honest, open-minded, and try to accept his wishes of taking things slow. If you let him be himself then he will appreciate you in the long run and he will start to show more for the relationship knowing that there’s no pressure and that you can be an understanding and compassionate girlfriend. Start doing things for yourself and give space so he can to and you’ll will eventually work things out. You still have a long time away to enjoy your life and you don’t have to be married to be happy.

     

    I know that’s a lot to read but it’s coming from the heart and I promise you that you will get through this obstacle and will be much happier knowing there’s so much to live for and be happy for <3

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Jennifer.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Jennifer.
    June 27, 2017 at 6:50 pm #155342
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Eliana and Jennifer, thank you for your responses. My biggest take-away is there is no specific date in I will officially be over my first real relationship. While I legitimately do not want to be with my ex-fiance, I do still mourn the loss of certain aspects of that relationship and that particular time in my life. But I’m confident that at some point in the future these thoughts and feelings will become less and less.

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